Been awhile since I posted anything on this blog. So here goes:
Since my last post, (in chronological order) I attended one of the greatest concert experiences of all time with the love of my life (this experience fulfilled number one on his bucket list of things He HAD to do---mine hopefully will happen by this time next year). It was the first time I have ever been away from my child for more than one day, and it was really hard for me. Lots of phone calls and Skype and I got through it, but it really showed me that I would have a very difficult time being away from her for that long or longer again.
My grandmother passed away. I have alot of regret/hurt with this. We didnt have any hard feelings between us or anything, but I barely knew her. I was adopted as a very young child, so I only just met my "real" parents and biological family members a few years ago. Situations never changed in that family--these people just dont know how to do the "family thing". When things got hard, they gave up. Even now, its exactly the same. Between the hurt from my childhood and the hurt from being so excited at the prospect of having a "family" again just to realize that they still couldnt care less about me---I did the only thing I could do, which was to push them all away. On reflection, I know I could have done more/worked harder towards having a relationship with my grandmother, but it wasnt a two way street. Taking a lesson from my family, I gave up. On the relationship and on her.
I had my 28th birthday--it passed quietly. I was still going through a rough time--it was a long time ago, but some of it was expressed in the last post I made. Over a month later, I was still feeling really down--I had absolutely no desire to celebrate anything, much less my own birthday. Especially considering the strained family relationships on my side--not one person in my own family remembered my birthday this year. Ace's family did, but only because his sister and I are only one day apart--the celebration this year, as with every year, is done together for both birthdays and centers on hers. Mine is more like a nuisance--they are obligated to include me because the two of us were born 12 hours apart on the same day, in the same year (at the same hospital!) What a bummer for them--I'm her curse to live with now, she'll always be stuck having to have her birthday celebration include me. Poor girl.
Ace and I celebrated our anniversary--seven years married. It too passed quietly, without much celebration. We didnt go anywhere special or do anything exciting. I really wasnt in the mood to celebrate it and neither was He.
I lost a favorite uncle--tragically to cancer. Another relationship that could have been cultivated and wasnt. I missed the chance. Uncle went so quickly--he was sick with flu-like symptoms at the beginning of the year, went to the E.R. and was informed that his body was full of cancer. The doctor gave him 6 weeks at the most, told him chemo/other treatments would do nothing, and to go home and get ready to die. Uncle--with some persuasion--decided to try treatments anyway, and he fought for six long months before succumbing to the disease. He was a fun-loving guy, and I wish I had known him better.
So thats the last couple of months in a nutshell.
As far as spanking, there hasnt been any going on to speak of. I have not been in a good place emotionally and Ace did the only thing He could do, which is to avoid me as much as possible. Probably not the best choice in terms of ttwd, and its not been easy for me, but I dont resent Him for it either. He's pulled away to protect Himself, and even our relationship, while I have been all over the place emotionally. It hurts, but thats how it is for now.
So, its been a lonely couple of months. Its my fault, and I know that, but when the only person I converse with daily is my 6 year old.......yeah that gets lonely. I used to be involved in a chat group and regularly talked to people in that group on messengers and such, but that has come to a complete stand still. Again, my fault--I just havent had the time or energy to put into it recently. I miss talking to those people, and I would love to get back to it, but I feel like I have lost the opportunity. I missed chances to participate in activities and become part of a group where the lifestyle we have is much more open and shared---and I regret that very much. That opportunity came and went (more than once) and I missed it. Too scared, too insecure......I wish I could have done it. There were frienships to be made there and awesome experiences to be had---its just another instance I'll look back on where I could have cultivated relationships and didnt take the chance to. (Anyone else see a pattern forming here?? I'm no good at this stuff).
Ok so thats all for now. I'm just getting over a case of shingles (OUCH!) and I managed to catch a cold on top of it, so I am really tired now. If you have read this far, I have a favor to ask of you which is that you will read the next post I put up. I will post it probably tomorrow, but it has to do with something I would like to ask you all to do for me.
Alright, so if you made it through all that junk thanks for reading. Please know that if you have a blog I have been reading and keeping up on them, although I dont comment for the most part.
~sugar
