Caught!

Its way past bedtime for me but I wanted to share this tonight.  It was a lazy sort of day today--not much going on. Ace had been stuck in front of a video game(zombie something......ewws) for a fair part of the day. After dinner, our daughter had gone outside with her aunt and Ace and I were alone in the house(besides his grandmother, who is thankfully *mostly* deaf). Not wanting the opportunity to pass us by, I decided I was going to get Ace's attention. HA! After about ten minutes---and being swatted out from in front of the telly a few times, I finally gave up and headed outside---with Ace's promise that He would be out in a few minutes. I slipped on some shoes and headed outside----I made it less than ten feet when I heard an almighty crack and my bottom exploded! I wheeled around to a very amused Ace.

"Are you bloody crazy???" I asked "The neighbors will hear!!!" (Not to mention that my sister in law was right across the lawn with our daughter who definitely doesnt need to know about this!!!)

"Hey, you wanted attention......" He said "You've got it!"  (oy!!!) He just laughed and we continued on our way(with two more powerful swats along the way). We live next door to his parents/siblings so we have alot of space between the two yards and an extra lot on the other side of his parents(which we plan to leave undeveloped and open). We were met halfway to his parents(where his sister and littles were playing in the front yard) by two of the three dogs his parents have, jumping around and eager to play. We took them around to the back of the house and Ace went inside to get their toys. Seeing another opportunity, I quickly followed Him into the house, knowing that His mother was working late tonight and His dad had probably gone to get her from work. I threw Ace a mischievious smile as I came in.

"I dont suppose we're...........alone???" I grinned and bent over the nearest counter top.

I wish I knew how to describe the look on His face at that moment. :) He quickly walked around behind me and delivered two strong, stinging smacks to my bottom. Lovely, right?? :)  Except.............

Less than ten seconds later, we heard a door at the end of the hallway open.

I dont think we could have gotten out of that house any faster if we had flown!!! We exited out the back door and Ace took up playing fetch with the dogs while I tried to make myself comfortable on the porch swing without squirming. A minute later, His dad walked out on the porch.

"Evenin'" he said. I just smiled and nodded without meeting his gaze. The men talked for a few minutes and then Dad announced he was going to pick up Mom from work.

"We'll be back in a few minutes" Dad said, placing emphasis on the end of his statement. I looked over briefly and he was giving me a very pointed look before going back into the house. Believe me, those were a few minutes we didnt even think about using!!!!

And so, in less than a week's time, I have had both His mother and father find out about this thing we do. I ought to feel embarrassed about that I suppose but for whatever reason I dont.  It was akward today with His dad, but somehow I dont really care that he knows. I guess I am changing in that respect. I'm not going to go shouting it from the rooftops or anything but if people find out...........well, it is what it is. We cant hide forever.

I had more to post tonight but its very late and I work tomorrow so I'll finish the other part of this(regarding my new view on His hand as an implement) soon. I also hinted at another topic in my last post, so that story is coming up soon as well. Thanks to all of you for reading and commenting!

A Message

I was sitting in the couch with my daughter watching a Disney movie. She fell asleep very close to the end so I left it on the same channel in case she should wake up. This particular channel, later in the evenings, always shows certain religious programs which I normally do not watch. This particular night however, Joel Osteen came on---having been raised in a very strict Bible Baptist home, I was familiar with this speaker. This progam was his Inspiration Night for this year and from the start I found myself captivated by his words. He spoke of recognizing oneself and being willing to accept and use the gifts we are given each day to their  maximum potential. As I said, normally I wouldnt have bothered to  listen, but something about that message, and other things he said, rang true for me and were things I needed to hear. Towards the end of that program, I moved to the computer to check email and other daily things-again without bothering to change the channel. Not long after, another program came on, this time with an unfamiliar speaker by the name of Ed Young. I once again found myself captivated as he spoke of the Poor Boy (or girl) Syndrome---a pattern of thinking a person gets stuck in where all they can think about or focus on is what they dont have, rather than being thankful and exploiting the things they do have. That hit me like a ton of bricks. This is exactly where my mind and attitude have been lately. I've been working on changing my attitude---I've bitten back angry retorts and sarcastic comments to respond instead with humility and I am trying very hard to be thankful and to show it this last week. But these messages were much needed reminders that I can and should be doing better.

I'm looking back on this past week and recognizing times I could have done better--things I shouldnt have said or could have said differently. I am also looking at the few times I did do better and being thankful that I responded appropriately and in a way I could be proud of. I'm recognizing that with a little more effort, the potential exists for me to become exactly what I said I want to be.

Review Part 2

We had a discussion tonight regarding my behavior over the last few weeks.

Well, actually, the "discussion" consisted of Him pointing to the bedroom and me (very meekly) following.

I knew this was coming--He had been hinting at it today and even gave me a few (hard) swats earlier in the day(in hearing distance of family members, no less!! <blush>).

When I entered the room, I saw just two things: our hairbrushes.

"Oh, babe........both hairbrushes?" He didnt answer but pointed to the end of the room and I took my place.

He started me out standing, holding on to the curled side of our gorgeous headboard (both it and the footboard are made for this by the way......we *may* have tried them out in the furniture store.....but thats another story).

He began a pattern of hand, wood brush, then silver brush and repeated it until I began to squirm. He then had me lay across the bed and began the real spanking, alternating hairbrushes but favoring the much heavier silver one. I tried to lay very still and fought the urge to move/resist(I earned it after all). Just after the halfway point, my tears began and I felt my body relax (I've heard it called sub-space, call it whatever) as I gave up all urge to fight, to move, to even breathe. After a few more strokes, Ace noticed the change and stopped to rub my back and soothe me for a few moments, bringing me back to reality. He gave me a few very hard strokes with the silver, then announced I was getting two more, which I took without a sound.

But I knew that wasnt enough. I was hurting---more than I ever have---but it was no where near enough.

And so, after a few moments wrapped up in His arms, I quietly asked for more.

"Are you sure?" His face was full of concern. I nodded and reluctantly moved out of His arms. He picked up the wood hairbrush...........

"No, please............not that one. Use the silver one, please?" His eyebrows shot to the roof.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"Yes Sir, I'm sure" I laid across the bed and turned my face away as He began again.

I tried to be very good (I had asked for it after all) but after a few very hard strokes, my body betrayed me and I began to  move. Ace sat beside me and put His arm across my back, pressing down gently to hold me still as He brought me back to tears. After a few more, He told me it was time the silver left something to remember and announced He was giving me three more, very hard strokes that He was sure would leave a mark. He delivered the first two slowly, allowing me time in between each one. I confessed to Him that I didnt think I could take anymore tonight, but after some soothing and gentle encouragement, I accepted the last stroke.........the hardest I have ever had with any implement. EVER.

And so, I'm feeling less ashamed and not quite so guilty about my behavior, right?

Wrong. If anything I feel somehow....... worse. No, not because of the physical spanking, but because it took that much to bring me back to a place I never should have left. How could I possibly feel better about that?

Review

Going back and looking at the earliest posts I have here and elsewhere, I am seeing a definite change in myself. That change has not been for the better. I've moved an unfortunately long way from what I want to be--the last few weeks especially. I've been petulant, cranky, and controling. This is not what I want to be, nor is it acceptable behavior to display for my child. The situations I've been handed have not been easy--still, there was an opportunity for me to accept them with grace and humility, to choose quiet strength instead of loud complaints.  I wish I could say I have done just that. Unfortunately, all I can say is that I am feeling guilty and more than a little ashamed.

I spent some time outside today---just sitting quietly in reflection. I spent some time just being thankful.

I am so very thankful for my Ace. He is everything to me and His love is overwhelming. My behavior (yes, even towards Him) has been bordering on deplorable this last week. He weathered the storm of my whining and complaints with patience and love, offering me comfort and compassion during my worst moments. I am so very grateful and lucky to have Him in my life.

I am so very thankful for my daughter--my angel, who makes me laugh and is always ready with hugs and kisses to fix "mommy's boo boo's". She inspires me, and I want to teach her kindness and respect, not anger and frustration (no matter what's going on in my life). She is my daily reminder to do better.

I am thankful for friends here that take time out of their day to read and even comment on this (silly little) blog. I'm thankful for friends and family who are supportive and understanding--and when that doesnt work, care enough about me to either try to take my mind away from daily things or call me out and give me a good wake up  call.

So yes, I'm thankful for the one person, a simple comment, that brought me to this point. It was a difficult to hear and even harder to reflect and recognize what I've become. It was hard to hear, but it was a much needed wakeup call. I've done alot of thinking and I am going to make a conscious effort to get back to myself and who I want to be----a loving, submissive and grateful wife, mother, amd friend.

Something New

I am so excited to share this!  Ace purchased His first implement ever! :) :)  On our anniversary(last Saturday) He pulled me away from everything for a moment.......

"C'mere, I have something for you, but noone else should see it" He whispered to me.

I shot Him a very surprised and questioning look.

"Just c'mere for a minute" He said. He took my hands and pulled me into the bedroom.

He handed me a small bag with a huge grin on His face. By this time I was very interested and more than a little nervous. When I opened the bag, this is what I found..........

This gorgeous antique hairbrush!!!!! This brush is AMAZING!! Its silver, old, and very VERY heavy. The only appropriate way to describe this brush is thud x THUD! This brush has virtually no sting to it whatsoever-- having been spanked with it twice so far, I have to say.......I love it!!! After saying that the first time I was spanked with it, Ace assured me I wont like it for very long :)  Last night, I was spanked very hard with it (all the way to tears, which NEVER happens) and I still love it! I was expecting some serious marks with it, but so far, no matter how hard it is used, this brush does not leave marks or bruises. The other interesting (and somewhat dangerous) thing about this brush is that it is virtually silent! I'm pretty sure I could be spanked in church with this thing and noone would notice :P Ace even made the comment "This thing is so quiet.......I could use this on you just about anywhere!"  *grin* I hope He tries it!!!

On this same day I gave Ace the Mandatum paddle I had made for Him by the dominaes workshop(go visit them please!) The first thing He saw when He unwrapped it was the ace of spades which He really liked.

"Its got MY mark" He grinned.

"Yes it does" I said "But check this out"  I flipped the paddle over in His hands, showing Him the music notes.

"What......?" He started "Is that.....what I think it is?"

"It is" I said "It spells out a-c-e-d-e-c-a-d-e."

"Oh, cool" He grinned "My mark is on both sides........ that makes it really MINE"

I wrapped my arms around Him and snuggled into His chest.

"Just like me" I said. :)

(Having been spanked with the Mandatum paddle twice now, I can tell you.......it stings! I'm pretty sure if you looked up the definition of "sting" in the dictionary, that paddle would be there!)

Our anniversary was wonderful---we had a fantastic time together! I am so excited that Ace purchased an implement (and an extraordinary one at that) for us! I'm quite sure I'm the luckiest girl alive to have someone so amazing by my side! I couldnt be happier! :)

CELEBRATING!!!! :)

Today, Ace and I celebrate 6 amazing years married to each other. I am still just in love with Him as the day I met Him......He saved me from so many things, and I couldnt be happier! There really are no words to show my gratitude......

Sunflowers

So, I've been feeling really down this last week--I ended up with vertigo and its been making me really uncomfortable. Today, the medicine I was given is finally helping....YAY!! It makes me drowsy but thats much better than being dizzy. We had an hour and a half car ride(each way) to go get Ace's brother yesterday from the airport. It wasnt the most comfortable ride but thankfully I was asleep on the way over so I didnt have time to get sick. On the way home, I had the most amazing experience. Most of the area around us consists of farms in between a few small towns until you get to the one bigger city that has the airport. As we were traveling, we came up over the top of a hill to a giant field filled with sunflowers as far as I could see. Right at that moment, the sun broke through the clouds and beamed down on all of those gorgeous flowers. I cant tell you what that did for me......it was like Mother Nature reached down and squeezed a moment of pure bliss on my soul and lifted me straight up through the clouds with her. It literally felt like the car stopped moving for a few minutes and I was just floating there, watching the sun kiss the flowers. It was an awesome moment, and it couldnt have come at a better time. :)

I had another dream regarding the wonderful group of people I was able to join(mentioned in previous posts). I had finally decided to go to an event by myself, but halfway there I got cold feet and tried to call Ace to come and get me. For whatever reason, I had no idea where I was or how to tell Him the way there. Someone came by and told me not to worry about it, I would be shown the way home afterwards so just relax(rather prophetic sounding). I went into a building where I was immediately met by the girl who is famous for welcoming newbies :) We were walking down a hallway when she mentioned two people walking towards us. One person went unnamed, the other she pointed out as a Top from the group. I remember I was looking at the floor and was almost scared to look up. When I did, I just about  fell over--I had a clear picture of what I thought that particular person would look like and what I saw was so very different I could hardly believe it could be that person. We nodded to each other in passing but nothing more was said at that time. The only other thing I remember was being in a room that looked like an office, sorting file folders for some reason, when that same Top looked around the corner of the door and startled me. He came in and introduced Himself and we shook hands, and unfortunately I woke up before anything more occurred. Not sure if this means I will get to an event or I wont, I guess that remains to be seen.

In real life, its been a while since I've been spanked. The vertigo has neccessitated an unfortunate reprieve :(  Ace told me today though that its been too long and I am overdue (no arguments from me!) Its now 8:45 and our baby is asleep----I'm sitting here nervous and fluttery, wondering if its going to be tonight. Its been more than a week so I know my tolerance will be way down, but I also know I cant go without it for much longer. I havent exactly been the best behaved girl in the world this week---I need a good attitude adjustment.

Next post either tomorrow or the next day-- I've been thinking alot on the idea of transparency......I have a few things to share if I can get up the nerve to. Still dealing with feelings of overall safety in putting myself completely out there for the world to see (and to judge)........not sure exactly whats gonna happen just yet.......  

P.S. There's been a little time lapse here---suffice to say my attitude is adjusted enough that I think I can behave myself and get through another work day tomorrow.....that wasnt much of a beating (He's worried about me) but I am taking it to heart---His kindness and compassion make me want to be good tomorrow so I wont disappoint Him.

Its been awhile

I've started and erased a few posts over the last month--honestly, I was planning to quit blogging altogether due to things that had been said. But, I have given it alot of thought and decided that is not something I want to do. I had a whole bunch more I was gonna say on this, and decided (again) to skip it. Just know this---I'm not gonna fight about silly comments and opinions. You have the right to them, and go ahead, but I am not gonna stoop to that level or cater to those just itching for a fight. I used to be that girl. I'm not anymore.

But I am right here, and I'll take whatever youve got--comments, criticisms, a knife in the back. I'm not fighting, but I'm changing either so go ahead with your best shot. At the end of the day, I'll be just fine. :)

So, on to more pleasant business. I finally have pictures to post of the surprise for Ace (mentioned in the art post). He doesnt know about it yet (no, He doesn't read the blog), so shhhhhhhhhhh! ; )

 

                                            The front side  

                     The backside (hopefully it will
                      get used on mine soon!!!)       

We have a special occasion coming up next week---I cant wait for Him to see this (and of course to try it out!)   :)  :)