We hear about them everywhere in this lifestyle, the big D's: disobedience, disrespect, dishonesty, and dangerous (behavior). Something tells me I'm forgetting something in there, but the thing is, we don't, as a general rule, use these in our relationship. Its understood that any of these behaviors would result in trouble, and any time I earn a spanking, it can be traced to one of these, but they are not a concrete part of our domestic discipline.
I'm sad to say that I have now broken every one of these. Before this past week, it was only the first three (and that was more than enough, believe me!). But now, I've stepped past that last one too....the big one: dangerous behavior.
Throughout my life, I have known that there are certain things I am allergic too. One of those is an additive that is found in most energy drinks, citrus drinks, and certain sodas and also in some over the counter medications. When I was a child, I would have allergic reactions after consuming any of these products, and it took me years to figure out why I felt so sick after doing so. I would have what would typically be a reaction similar to seasonal allergies--stuffy nose, sore throat, itchy eyes and ears, and sometimes hives and a stomachache--but it would only last for a few days at most. My parents always thought I was just a really sick kid.
Fast forward to last week: It had been well over ten years since I had consumed any of those products, knowing how crummy they made me feel. Someone asked me to try a drink of something that I knew had that additive in it, and of course I said no and told them why. At first. And then I decided, quite stupidly, that I could try a sip of it. Surely, just a small sip wouldn't hurt anything! As a child, before I knew that was what made me sick, I would drink a whole glass of this particular drink, and feel terrible for a few days, but I figured that was years ago and just a tiny bit wouldn't hurt as long as I didn't drink too much of it.
Wrong!
I had the smallest of drinks, barely enough to taste. In less than a minute, I started coughing and telling Ace that my throat was burning and within just a few short minutes I was in full on anaphylaxsis: my face swelled and broke out in a rash, tears poured out of my eyes, and my throat began to swell. My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest, and I was sure I was going to be sick. Thankfully, Ace was close by and I was able to croak out the word "Benadryl" to which he promptly responded to by putting a pill and water in my mouth, and tilting my head back so it went down my throat. I had a few terrifying moments, lying on the floor of the bathroom, where I truly was not sure if I was going to be able to take my next breath.
There is nothing that compares to that feeling. I have never in my life experienced anything like it. I've never had a reaction-to anything, ever-that was as severe as this one. The rest of that day, I felt completely sick. I couldn't eat anything, and my throat hurt as badly as if I had strep. It would take days for that feeling to go away. Just thinking about it makes my heart race.
Ace was so incredibly good to me, and so calm under the circumstances. He held me close to Him and asked me literally every minute to confirm that I could breathe until the Benadryl started taking affect. Later, He admitted that He was absolutely terrified, and wanted to take me to the hospital immediately, but He tried to stay calm because He knew I would be even more scared if I saw Him react that way and that could make my symptoms worse. I don't know how He stayed so calm, but I am very thankful He did. He had called His sister next door and told her to get an Epi-pen out (His mom keeps them in her house as she is deathly allergic to certain insect bites) and bring it over right away and they told me later they had it ready to administer within a minute if the Benadryl hadn't shown signs of working.
We talked about it later, and have talked about it even more since then, and He told me He has never witnessed anything like that before and how thankful He is that it wasn't any worse because He didn't know what He would have done if anything had happened to me.
Now that its been a week, that feeling of being thankful for my safety is taking the backseat, while we face the fact that I broke that last big "d". Ace is, of course, still thankful that I am safe, but now its time to address the fact that I did something very, very stupid. Something that could have cost me my life. In a serious moment at the end of a conversation about this a few days ago, He told me He can't imagine life without me, and He never, ever wants to know or hear about me doing anything like this ever again. He also told me to expect that we will be "talking" about my decision very soon.
I am not sure exactly what to expect, but I think it will be tonight, and I am expecting a full punishment. Its been a long time since that has happened, and I would be lying if I said I am not nervous about it, but I want it out of the way. Its been between us, a giant elephant in the room, for the last week, and now I just want it gone.
<sigh>
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever learn.........
~sugar
