Christmas Songs

Lea over at Lea's Corner (musingsofabottom@blogspot.com) posted some of her best Christmas song parodies so I will follow suit and post a few as well--you may remember these from last year:

This first one is set to the song "Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer".

Grandma got her ass spanked by a reindeer

Walking home from my house Christmas Eve

She tried to tell me Santa is a hoax

But He gave her a reason to believe!

This one is set to "I'll be Home for Christmas".

I'll be sore for Christmas

He has told me so

We'll have "ooooooo"

And "No, no, no!!!

And then its cornertime.

My ass will be smarting

A sorry girl I'll be

I'll be sore for Christmas

Its coal and canes for me!

This one is set to "Hark the Herald Angels Sing"

Hark, the Head of Household says

"Get your ass up on that bed!"

Peace is gone, no mercy nigh

Just His hand, raised to the sky.

Squirmy on the bed she waits

For the brush she loves to hate

Hears a "crack" and hollers "ow!"

All thoughts of bratting banished now!

Hark the Head of Household says

"She'll be a good girl now, I bet!"

This one is set to just the verse part of "Jingle Bells".

Dashing throught the house,

Away from Him I'll run

Until He's out of breath

And I have Him undone!

When He catches me

A spanking I will get

And then I'll be a happy girl

Its our best Christmas yet!!

And finally, this last one really made Ace laugh. Its set to "The Little Drummer Boy".

Come He told me.

(Oh crap thats not good!)

Our implements to see.

(Oh sh*t thats not good!!)

You need a spanking dear

(Oh no, thats ok!)

So get your ass over here!

(Wait, what did He say?!?)

(Oh hell no, no way!!!)

(Just GO AWAY!!!!!)

"Now you're TOAST dear" thats what He said

(Sh*t, I'm dead, dead,DEAD, DEAD!!)

Happy Holidays! Enjoy! :)

 

 

Sometimes I wish.............

This post has been awhile coming.

I've been trying not to think about it, to focus my mind on what I have right here in front of me.

But there are some days, some nights, that it just gets to be too much.

I wish I had one person, just one, that I could spill everything to. One person I could tell about our lifestyle, one person who I could say "I just got spanked" to and not have them go "OH MY GOD!!!!"..........ya know what I mean?

Yeah, I know...........I have my Ace, and of course I am so very thankful for Him and for the fact that I have a partner to share this life and lifestyle with.

But some days, and some nights, thats just not enough.

He is my HOH, my Husband, my lover, my best friend.............but He cant see this lifestyle the way that I can. He sees it as HOH, in His role which is perfectly right. But I dont have someone outside of us that I can spill to, that I can share everything with and have them completely understand.

Thats really what I want--someone I talk to about this without them a) fearing for my safety; b) accusing Ace of abuse; or c) thinking I have lost my marbles as there is no way this is consensual.

It is consensual, and I want it this way---but I dont have anyone who can understand this as a lifestyle choice that we have made, and not just some weird, kinky fetish or abuse I suffer at His hand.

I have only ever told one vanilla person, who was a friend of mine, about this lifestyle--that person proceeded to get very VERY angry with Ace, refused to believe this was in any way a choice of mine and that He is controlling me with fear and discipline, and that I should seek help immediately. When I tried again to explain it as a free-will choice and how it works, this person stopped me and ended the conversation by telling me they no longer wished to be friends with me. That was almost two years ago, and I have never heard from that person again.

And I have never told anyone else.


I very much want to add "yet" to the end of that last sentence...........


I've never told anyone else................yet...........


~sugar

The newbies

We've had time to try out both of the new toys we brought home with us (details in the previous post).

The razor strop is absolutely incredible. I have never felt anything like this. He told me I was getting a spanking and to change into appropriate attire (meaning I wasnt going to be lucky enough to keep my jeans on). I was feeling a little sassy so I put on the bright red Coca Cola pajama bottoms He bought for me and sashayed past Him  with "Yes Sir, you may take that as a challenge". HE DID!!!!

Over two layers of clothes, the strop had me crying real tears in a matter of minutes. He has been able to get me to tears before, but for some reason this implement really made me cry---not just a few tears, but full out sobbing in less than ten minutes. I have never struggled so much with an implement--it was really hard to stay still and Ace had to keep warning me about moving. But, for all of that, the strop left no permanent marks at all, and the effects of it wore off almost completely within an hour which really surprised me. For as much as it hurt at the time, I was expecting to feel it much longer than an hour.

We had planned to play with both new implements in the same night, but Ace was concerned about my reaction to the strop and worried it was going to cause effects we couldn't yet see, so He made the choice to stop for that evening. I calmed down very quickly--crying is not something I do--and felt like I could have taken more, but He made it clear that we were done for the night. I wanted to ask for more, but I know thats not my decision to make and He had reasons for stopping. Now, I am happy to say that I respected His decision as my Husband and the Head of this family.

Last night, we were cuddled together on the couch when He told me I would be getting caned and to go change. I happen to be paranoid about doing laundry--I wash clothes as soon as they are done being worn, so there is always laundry going on---and so I thought I would be sassy again and wear the same red bottoms. I found Him waiting for me in the bedroom and He raised His eyebrows at my bravado before ordering me onto the bed. He took out the new cane and swished it through the air, then took a few practice strokes on my bottom.

Because of my fear of the cane as an implement, He has always asked me if I was ready before delivering any strokes--effectively, allowing me to be in charge of how the caning was conducted.

This time, He didnt ask at all--He just put me in postion and began caning me.

I dont know how to describe what that cane feels like. It feels absolutely nothing like the junior cane we have. It doesnt really sting, but its very heavy, it hurts like hell and the pain is very deep and bruising.

Ace was surprised by how much I was taking from this implement (so was I). The strokes were hard and delivered quickly, and at one point I had to ask Him to slow down so I could breathe. After about twenty minutes, again over two layers of clothes, He wanted to see if the cane was leaving any marks, so I quickly found myself bare. He told me my backside was bright red and there were marks but not like those left by the junior cane.

He soothed me for a few minutes, then told me that we were not finished yet and to stay exactly as I was. He then began caning me on the bare, and it really really hurt. But, for whatever reason, this implement was not having the same effect on me as the strop did a few nights before and I found that, while it hurt tremendously, it didnt break me apart the way the strop did. Ace noticed it too and asked me what the difference was (and how in the world I was handling that much from a cane as He could see what it was doing to me physically). I still dont know why I didnt fall apart.

After a few more minutes, Ace stopped to soothe me again, then taking my hand, He whispered in my ear that He thought I could take more and asked me if I would. I told Him "yes Sir" and His smile told me that He was pleased with my answer. He took the cane back up, and put one hand on my back to comfort me while He finished the caning.

The last bunch of strokes were the hardest yet, and put me beyond anything I remember taking before, although it still did not make me cry. (I should add here that I was being a bit naughty after my caning and began poking/tickling/teasing Ace so He gave me a dose of the strop on top of this--ouch!!)

Afterwards, I got up off the bed and was amazed at how sore I was. I told Ace I thought I would have bruising, but there were no bruises apparent last night.

This morning, my alarm went off at 3 a.m. and when I got up to get ready for work I found I could hardly move as my backside hurt so much. A look in the mirror confirmed why--my bottom is covered with deep, dark bruises today. I cant remember the last time one implement left marks on me like this. It is very VERY hard to mark me in any way--my body just doesnt show it--so this really blew me away to have such severe bruising, from an implement that didnt even bring me to tears.

So, all in all--two great experiences with our new implements, and I am sitting softly for now! We cant wait to use them again! :) :)

Shopping in Spanko Heaven

I mentioned in a previous post that we had gone on a mini vacation and along the way stopped at several antique stores we had never been to before. These shops were literally a spanko's heaven--you wont find a better place for implements anywhere! We only brought home two new ones, which I will share with you at the end of this post. First, enjoy these (sorry about the formatting-blogger wont let me fix it without deleting stuff) :

Paddle "Majesty Knows Modesty"

Flowered pair

Wooden paddle

A collection of wooden spoons

Two carpet beaters

Double Trouble 1--- Yardsticks and Rulers

Double Trouble 2-- Paddle and Yardsticks

Razor Strop (upper left)

The pictures above were all taken at the same shop, and they are only a fraction of the pictures I took that day.

 

 

If you guessed that the razor strop was one of the implements that came home with us---you would be right :) It is a heavy leather, Beau Brummel brand razor strop that cost us all of $6. Ace gave me a few light strokes with it the night that we brought it home, and let me tell you--that thing hurts much more than our belts do.

 

 

 

The other implement we brought home with us was found at a different shop. 

 

 

The girl working in that particular store couldn't tell us much about it, except that she knew it was used on a circus midway years and years ago. Ace gave me a few token strokes with it, but we haven't experimented with it beyond that. I am including a couple of pictures of it laying next to our Cane-iac junior straight-handled cane so you can see its imposing size. <shiver> This implement cost us all of $8, so we brought home two fantastic new toys for hardly any money at all! :) :)

Lost Without a Laptop

I never realized how much I used/relied on my laptop until the thing crashed.

I was lost without it.

As it turns out, my old (old meaning less than a year old) laptop is gone---somehow ended up with fatal system damage that ate out the drivers. I don't know all the details, and I don't think I want to, just enough to know that there was no virus or anything like that on it--the damn thing just went cannibal and devoured itself.

So, in the last post I had before the crash, I promised pictures of the two new implements we purchased last weekend. As you can guess, I have not had a way to post those pictures until now, but I promise they really are coming. Ace has warned me that I have only felt "token" swats with each and especially with one of them, and I can expect to get better acquainted with both very soon. I don't know now if I am more excited or nervous :)

I really really want to post the pictures, but I will have to check if they are still on my camera. I (stupidly) put them on the old laptop and I may have deleted them when I did so, but I can't remember just yet. If I have to retake them it could be a bit longer before I get to it as I am woefully behind on schoolwork right now and should be working on the paper that is due this Monday (this is Friday......I've let this one get away from me and I am frantically trying to catch up).

Oh, and in case you caught on with that last paragraph....yeah I had a few lovely non vanilla pictures on my laptop which was sent to be repaired before anything could be done with them. There was no way for me to get them off of there as the computer wiped out its entire operating system (wouldn't even load Windows) and wouldn't let me back long enough to delete <insert great big, huge, monstrous blush here> I warned Ace they were there before He took it in, but there was no way for us to get back to them. Suffice to say, He wasn't overly pleased about them being there (only pictures of implements, none of me or Him or anything like that at least) but He didn't think that was something the repair guy (whom He knows <insert ANOTHER big huge blush>) would go looking for, and would certainly be tactful about if he came across them). That made me feel a little better.

So, I am typing this out on the brand new laptop we purchased today (sad how dependent we are, I know). I think it may have been my fault that the other one blew out, as I accidentally left it plugged in overnight so that may have burned out the insides. I am actually typing this from a hotel in the southern part of my state, as we took another mini vacation this weekend (just Him and me!) to see a very well known commedian who was performing in this town tonight. So, we do not have all of the details of what happened to the laptop--just that it sustained "massive physical damage, but only internal, not external"----- but Ace promised me He would be finding out. I felt guilty about the other one and confessed to Him about accidentally leaving it to charge like that, and He promised that if it turns out that is what happened, the price of the new one will be taken out on my backside (with a fair exemption for being honest).

So, probably within the next week I will have the pictures up, and unfortunately I may be sharing what those implements feel like at a punishment level. I am a little nervous about that, but if its really my fault then I suppose I deserve it for being careless. <sigh>

Monday is reckoning day...............stay tuned. :{

~sugar

Taken in Hand

It was a long time coming.

A very long time.

Ace decided it was time to re-establish who is the Head of this household.

(It sure as heck isnt me!!)

Being completely honest..... we had lost our dynamic. I had been all over the place emotional, and not at all submissive or respectful to Him. Because I was not submitting to Him, He gave up His role as HOH, and everything that went with it. And that only served to give me more opportunity to rebel.

Enough was enough.

He finally informed me one night that I was getting a spanking. Honestly, it was all I could do not to laugh. I had been waiting for Him to step back into His role for weeks---it hadn't happened then, so I was unconcerned about it. I had expected--even needed--Him to step in and stop the crazy emotional mess that I was. He didnt, and I went from emotional, to crazy, to way out of line. And still there were no consequences. Thats not exactly a recipe for domestic harmony!

So, He warned me that I was getting a spanking. I shrugged it off. Yeah, yeah sure sure...........whatever......... (I even used the "w" word!).  He wasnt amused.

After our little one had gone to sleep and the house was quiet, I got cozy with a blanket and my laptop--same routine I've had for a few weeks now. I was expecting Him to follow along, to tell me He had stuff to take care of and leave me alone until I went to bed and fell asleep.

That was not to be the case. He took the computer away (gasp!!!) and ordered me to change out of jeans and into something spankable (meaning something that wouldnt hurt his hand/protect my backside as much). I took some pajamas into the bathroom and did as I was told--when I came out, He was waiting for me and ordered me over the bed.

He started spanking me, hard, with His hand. After so long without it, His hands hurt!!! He continued until I was squirming, then got out our heavy bamboo spoon. I hate that thing. Mostly because He uses the handle end in application, and that bugger stings!!!! He kept at it until I was near tears and could hardly stay still.

After some comforting and a talk about the behaviour in the last week especially, He told me I was not done being spanked yet. He had re-affirmed Himself as the Head of our household, but now He intended to make sure I didnt forget it again any time soon (in addition to dealing with my attitude and disrespect).

And so, I found myself laying across the bed once again.

I heard Him open the closet, and I waited to see just what He would choose from our arsenal.


He chose the one thing He knew would get my attention, earn back some respect, and keep both.



He chose the cane.


And He used it. HARD.

I was in tears after just a few strokes, and by the end there was not doubt whatsoever as to who is in charge in our house. I wont be forgetting that lesson any time soon! <shiver>


Thankfully, the marks didnt last long and I was better in a day. We went away this weekend to a little tourist town downstate, and came back with two really cool implements to add to our arsenal. I have taken pics and have experienced both (briefly) and I will share them with you soon.

~sugar

Funny Conversations (scrapping the promised post)

First, I have to share: I am so blessed to have become an Auntie again, to a handsome little nephew. He was born to the same sister I have blogged about before, who was told by her doctor that she would never be able to have children of her own. This little miracle is her fourth child, and we are all blessed with his arrival. My brother-in-law posted pics of him this morning--now just waiting while his mommy and daddy decide what his name will be! :) :) He is the twenty-fourth grandchild for my parents.  :) :) :) :)

Ok, so if you read the last post (thanks to the two of you who did!) you might remember that I had something I was going to ask my friends to do. However, there is a certain event that has occured that has caused me to change my mind about that particular post. It could come across as insensitive to members of a certain group who have experienced an unfortunate loss recently and I do not wish to cause them any more hurt. If you are a member of that group, you can probably figure out what I mean--if not, just dont worry about it.

So, instead I decided to post something funny---well two things actually :) These are two silly little conversations that happened between Ace and I. Normally I dont share stuff like this, but hopefully it will make you smile. :) Enjoy!

 

Me: Did you hear about the guy who shot his buddy trying to scare away the hiccups?
Him: What?????
Me: There was this guy whose buddy had the hiccups and he was trying to scare them away, so he pointed a gun at his friend and the thing accidentally went off.
Him: Geeze, what a moron!

Me: Moron??
Him: He shot the guy!!!
Me: Well, yeah.........but he cured his hiccups!           Ha! : D

 

 

Me: We should do the living room up in owls.
Him: Owls??? Why owls???
Me: I dont know.........but it would be a real hoot!! :P
 

(I had just looked at a catalog that had really cute owl decor in it) :D

 

~sugar

Its been awhile

Been awhile since I posted anything on this blog. So here goes:

Since my last post, (in chronological order) I attended one of the greatest concert experiences of all time with the love of my life (this experience fulfilled number one on his bucket list of things He HAD to do---mine hopefully will happen by this time next year). It was the first time I have ever been away from my child for more than one day, and it was really hard for me. Lots of phone calls and Skype and I got through it, but it really showed me that I would have a very difficult time being away from her for that long or longer again.

My grandmother passed away. I have alot of regret/hurt with this. We didnt have any hard feelings between us or anything, but I barely knew her. I was adopted as a very young child, so I only just met my "real" parents and biological family members a few years ago. Situations never changed in that family--these people just dont know how to do the "family thing". When things got hard, they gave up. Even now, its exactly the same. Between the hurt from my childhood and the hurt from being so excited at the prospect of having a "family" again just to realize that they still couldnt care less about me---I did the only thing I could do, which was to push them all away. On reflection, I know I could have done more/worked harder towards having a relationship with my grandmother, but it wasnt a two way street. Taking a lesson from my family, I gave up. On the relationship and on her.

I had my 28th birthday--it passed quietly. I was still going through a rough time--it was a long time ago, but some of it was expressed in the last post I made. Over a month later, I was still feeling really down--I had absolutely no desire to celebrate anything, much less my own birthday. Especially considering the strained family relationships on my side--not one person in my own family remembered my birthday this year. Ace's family did, but only because his sister and I are only one day apart--the celebration this year, as with every year, is done together for both birthdays and centers on hers. Mine is more like a nuisance--they are obligated to include me because the two of us were born 12 hours apart on the same day, in the same year (at the same hospital!) What a bummer for them--I'm her curse to live with now, she'll always be stuck having to have her birthday celebration include me. Poor girl.

Ace and I celebrated our anniversary--seven years married. It too passed quietly, without much celebration. We didnt go anywhere special or do anything exciting. I really wasnt in the mood to celebrate it and neither was He.

I lost a favorite uncle--tragically to cancer. Another relationship that could have been cultivated and wasnt. I missed the chance. Uncle went so quickly--he was sick with flu-like symptoms at the beginning of the year, went to the E.R. and was informed that his body was full of cancer. The doctor gave him 6 weeks at the most, told him chemo/other treatments would do nothing, and to go home and get ready to die. Uncle--with some persuasion--decided to try treatments anyway, and he fought for six long months before succumbing to the disease. He was a fun-loving guy, and I wish I had known him better.

So thats the last couple of months in a nutshell.

As far as spanking, there hasnt been any going on to speak of. I have not been in a good place emotionally and Ace did the only thing He could do, which is to avoid me as much as possible. Probably not the best choice in terms of ttwd, and its not been easy for me, but I dont resent Him for it either. He's pulled away to protect Himself, and even our relationship, while I have been all over the place emotionally. It hurts, but thats how it is for now.

So, its been a lonely couple of months. Its my fault, and I know that, but when the only person I converse with daily is my 6 year old.......yeah that gets lonely. I used to be involved in a chat group and regularly talked to people in that group on messengers and such, but that has come to a complete stand still. Again,  my fault--I just havent had the time or energy to put into it recently. I miss talking to those people, and I would love to get back to it, but I feel like I have lost the opportunity. I missed chances to participate in activities and become part of a group where the lifestyle we have is much more open and shared---and I regret that very much. That opportunity came and went (more than once) and I missed it. Too scared, too insecure......I wish I could have done it. There were frienships to be made there and awesome experiences to be had---its just another instance I'll look back on where I could have cultivated relationships and didnt take the chance to. (Anyone else see a pattern forming here?? I'm no good at this stuff).

Ok so thats all for now. I'm just getting over a case of shingles (OUCH!) and I managed to catch a cold on top of it, so I am really tired now. If you have read this far, I have a favor to ask of you which is that you will read the next post I put up. I will post it probably tomorrow, but it has to do with something I would like to ask you all to do for me.

Alright, so if you made it through all that junk thanks for reading. Please know that if you have a blog I have been reading and keeping up on them, although I dont comment for the most part.

~sugar

Better

So, if you read my last post you know I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself the last few weeks. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but something--or alot of things--threw me through a loop. I've been trying to pull myself back out of it, or at least pretend to. It was bothering Ace to see me like that, so I've been putting on the "happy" for Him so He wont worry about it. Thats not helping me feel any better, beside knowing I'm not bugging the hell out of Him. We've been really far apart from each other---He doesnt understand whats going on with me, and I dont know that I really do either and even if I did the last thing I want to be doing right now is trying to explain to Him why I feel so messed up. He's giving me alot of space right now--He spends most of His time in the man cave  office, and I wont disturb Him when He's there. I dont want to be bothering Him with this--I have to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and get it fixed. I'll get there. Until then He's doing the safe thing, which is avoiding me for the most part. I dont blame Him for that at all.

There have been a few times we've been together over the last few weeks---rarely just the two of us, but not in a huge crowd of people either. Conditions with His family have not changed--its not going to change. I think this is alot of why He is away from me so much----He doesnt understand my animosity towards His family, and He cant sympathize with my feelings about them because He doesnt feel the same way, nor does He think I should feel that way. He hasn't been harsh with me or anything, but if His family comes up He defends them. I can understand that---He has been their son/brother for much longer than my Husband, so His natural instinct is to protect them from me, while trying to give me time/space to sort myself out. As I said, He's not been harsh, but the attitude He seems to exude is more like "Get over it, this is how they are". I will, I just need some time I guess.

I've been spanked (tapped) a few times over the last few weeks--I think its been twice in like 3 weeks, which is basically not at all for us. Thats pretty much been put on hold, until I get myself to a better a place. He knows I am not in a place emotionally where I can accept much from Him in this area, and as I said above, we are more apart than together right now, so that has alot to do with it too.

I'm trying to get better--to be better. Its much easier to fight with someone else than with yourself. Knowing that I am pushing Him away, and that this hurts Him too has been a big factor in my mind. I'm feeling guilty about this--I dont want Him to be away from me and I am trying not to hurt Him with my feelings. I'm trying to look ahead and push past this stuff so we can come back together the way we need to be. Our anniversary is coming up soon, and I want to be better for Him, so we can go back to where we used to be. I've made a mess of things, and I'm trying to clean it up. I'm trying to run away from me and back to Him. I thought I could just make myself stop, but there's been much more to it than that---I've found I cant just turn it off. There is a whole process I've been going through---places I've gone then had to fight back from. And I'm almost done. I'm getting better--feeling better---and I'm almost back to where I need to be. I'm almost there.......I'll be there soon.

~sugar

So many things

Lots of things going on. I'm feeling really confused and messed up right now, emotionally. It started with a few things a few weeks ago and has progressed to here. I'm pasting on the smiles and keeping up the happy stuff most of the time---you wouldnt believe how easy that is for some people to fake. Just because I'm smiling doesnt mean I'm happy. Just because I'm typing "lol" doesnt mean I'm laughing.

It means I'm crying--I've been crying every day and night for the last two weeks. I cant make the stupid tears stop. I dont know why. I've been in a really dark place, thinking about things that hurt emotionally and physically. Wondering if physical release could take away at least some of the emotional stuff. I've been to this before---I know it doesnt work, but its not stopping me from wanting to try it again. I'm on a see-saw. Most of the time, I think I would never want to do anything or behave in any way that could hurt Ace. But then there's these times I feel like screw everybody, because this hurts me like hell, and it cant possibly hurt them more than it does me.

I love my Ace. I love Him more than anything, and I never want to hurt Him. But I am tired of hurting. And I just want it to stop---just for one day. Just one day.

I've been play-acting. I've been trying to be someone His family could like, someone they would allow into their family dynamic. I cant do that anymore. And I am really mourning that loss. I wanted to be friends with His family, I wanted us all to be able to be one family together. I am not-we are not. His family was here for His dad's birthday last week--just sitting at the dinner table with them, I felt so removed. I felt like I was sitting somewhere else just watching them. No one spoke to me, although they interacted very casually with each other. His brother brought a friend home from school for the weekend (his second time visiting) and he was engaged in conversation and teasing by everyone in the family. I later told Ace I felt like I could easily have been missing from that table and no one would have noticed at all. I told Him this is not something I can do anymore with His family. I dont want to be anywhere near them anymore. That includes alot of things, but I am not going to go through them all.

I have kept their secrets. God knows, I could have destroyed that family if I wanted to. I still could. But I dont. Yet all I get is constant disdain, reminders that they have never thought I was good enough to be part of their family through snide remarks about my family and my past. Let me tell you, they have problems. Big problems. Hidden problems that no one knows, that would break them apart and shatter their squeaky clean image in this community. I could do that. And I dont. I want to, and I dont. All I wanted in return was at least a smidgen of respect from them. Not comments about my family, their mistakes, and the general comments made to me and between themselves in my presence that point to where I came from (a very rough family) and the fact that they all have college educations which I dont have, and therefore I am far to stupid to do anything with the stuff I know about them and wouldnt be believed even if I did. I'm smarter than they think, although its not by much I'm sure, but if nothing else I am a human being. They dont have to like me, they dont have to let me in their messed up little family. I can handle that. It hurts, but I'll work through that. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna be their doormat. If I cant stop them from stomping on me, I'll just have to move myself to a different door. There are doors here with less traffic---they will see less of me, and I am sure it will be a blessed relief to them.

It certainly doesnt help that my Grandmother passed away during this time period. There were no hard feelings between us, but it was not a relationship that I actively sought or nurtured. I only just met her a few years ago. I didnt even know her. Because she is my mother's mother (I share her name because my mom thought I looked like her when I was born) and my mother is making devastating life choices that have had severe impact on our family, I have put alot of distance between myself and my family to avoid the drama. This has been affecting me alot these last two weeks. I've burned my bridges on both sides. I dont have family to turn to on my side, and I cant stand to be anywhere near His family.

He and I had a heartbreaking moment the other night--we reached the point in our relationship where we seriously began to question what we will do in the eventuality that one of us passes. I couldnt even say it. I looked at Ace and just cried. It scared Him. I told Him if anything ever happened to Him, I dont feel like I would be welcome to stay here, and I have no idea where I would go or what I would do without Him. I have no safe place to land. I have no where to run, no one who would be waiting for me there. It breaks my heart. I cant entertain the thought of being in this life without Him. I just dont know what I would do.

There is more to this--more going on, but I'm not going to write anymore right now. This makes my head hurt, and my heart ache......its late and I should be sleeping. I shouldnt type so much, this is all very personal, but I am not going to erase it. Its just how I feel right now. Maybe if I write it enough, maybe some of the hurt will go away. Maybe it will...........

The girl who played with fire?

Thursday, May 17th 2012.

I had just finished reading Stieg Larsson's "The Girl Who Played With Fire", the second book in the trilogy about Lisbeth Salander. I had read the first book, then the third, which gave me just enough information so I could understand what was happening, and I was reading the second book to fill it all in. :)

What I didn't realize is that I was about to become the girl that played with.........well, actually put out.....fire.

I was just sitting down with the laptop, getting ready to share some new experiences we have had in the last two weeks. Ace was downstairs in the basement, His office and "man-cave" (He hates that expression) are down there, and He was busy working. It's important to note here that the only way to get to the "man cave" is through the garage, several locked doors, and a flight of stairs.

It's also important to note that we live with/care for Ace's elderly (senile) grandmother. She has really been slipping mentally lately, to the point that she can't be trusted to stay alone.

I was sitting in the living room, laptop plugged in, and ready to blog. I didn't realize that Ace's grandmother was out in the kitchen, or that she had turned on the stove.

All of the sudden, I heard a scream then Ace's grandmother screaming my name and to "come quick, this is on fire!!!!!!!" I was in that kitchen in a hot second..........that may be the fastest I have ever moved!

Sure enough, there was a pan sitting on the top of the stove engulfed in flames, and black smoke was pouring out, beginning to fill up the house. I tried to get close to the stove to smother the flames, but could not find anything that would safely put them out. The sink was less than a foot away, but I knew better than to throw water on it.

I wish I could say I was calm and rational.............yeah, not even close. At this point, flames were all the way up the front and back of the stove, and I was sure the wall behind it and the cupboards above it were on fire as well. There was ALOT of smoke, and the room was dark, so I could not see very well at all.

Thinking the whole kitchen I was going up in flames, I did the only other thing I could think of, which was to grab the fire extinguisher.

I have been trained on how to use a fire extinguisher at previous jobs, but I have never actually shot one before. And let me tell you, trying to do it for the first time in an emergency situation is not ideal, to say the least!

I moved His grandmother out of the way, pulled the pin, aimed...........and nothing. The extinguisher didn't go off when I squeezed the trigger! Of course, that freaked me out a little more, and with the alarms going off in the house, my yappy little dog freaking out, His grandmother screaming at me to go downstairs and get Him, and the house full of smoke.............suffice to say, I was FREAKING OUT!!

I pulled the extinguisher in towards me to see what was wrong, gave it a good shake, screamed a string of curses, and finally the thing went off!!!!! Glory, hallelujah the extinguisher worked!!!!! The first shot I was unprepared for, and it hit the back of the stove. I aimed better after that, swept quickly back and forth, and when all visible flames where out I went over and aimed another shot down into the bottom of the pan (we would later find that the burner was so hot, it had scorched a hole through the pan which caught some cooking oil on fire, and that last shot of chemicals landed on the burner itself).

I dropped the extinguisher, and whipped open the patio doors to get the smoke out. By this time, I was a wreck emotionally, and I had somehow managed to hurt my shoulder during the chaos, so all I could do was collapse to the floor. My eyes and lungs were filled with black smoke and chemicals from the extinguisher, and I could barely breathe. Ace's grandmother had the good sense to move herself over by the patio door just as He came barreling in through the hallway yelling "what the hell??!?!?!?!?!?" I tried to tell Him, but I couldn't talk around all the crap in my lungs and the tears pouring down my face, so I just watched as He charged around the house, opening all of the windows and doors to get out the smoke.

At some point, I pulled myself up (although not together, that would take much longer) and moved back into the living room, where the least amount of smoke was. Ace was still running around, demanding answers out of His grandmother who couldn't give a rational answer on the best of days, much less in that moment, and from me.......and I wasn't fairing much better than granny mentally at that point either.

This really, REALLY, tore me up! I was having severe chest pain, I couldn't breathe from the crap still stuck in my body, and I could not stop shaking for anything. I have never seen a fire that big inside of a house. I am not one that is overly fond of fire to start with.........and to have one that size, in my house, that I had to put out...........I was a mess.

After the house had cleared out a bit, Ace called His parents and they came over. I don't know exactly why He did this, but I think He just needed His parents at that point........His dad did a cursory inspection and determined that it was probably a bit of an over-reaction, but it was better to be safe than sorry. I heard His parents but did not see them, as I was in the other room still attempting to compose myself.

After they had left, I braved my first trip back into the kitchen. What a mess!!!!!!!!!!! Chemicals from the extinguisher were everywhere, and the entire area around the stove was black from the flames and smoke.

Ace was already starting to clean up, and when He saw me, He asked me to come help Him. I was still emotional and hurting, but I immediately began to do as He requested (I had made the mess after all). I apologized for what had happened, but His expression was dark and He didn't answer me. I knew He was upset about it........at this point, despite how rough I was feeling, I was starting to wonder if He was angry with me, especially when His dad said I had over-reacted. Its true, I probably did........but I have never seen a fire that big that wasn't planned (like a campfire or something).

As we cleaned up, we realized that the stove is a loss........the top is completely burned and chemicals got into the vents in the back and sides, making it unsafe to use. I was really beginning to feel sick at this point............I thought it was just nerves, but it turns out the extinguisher was too close to me when it fired, so I had inhaled more of the chemicals than I should have and that, combined with all of the smoke, was making me sick. (This would get progressively worse over the next 24 hours, before getting better).

Thankfully, this happened in the morning, and our daughter was at school so she was not traumatized by it. We made sure to have everything cleaned up, aired out, and back together as much as possible before she came home. She still doesn't know it happened, and we are thankful for that! We have to get a new stove, but the wall and cupboards all cleaned up and had little to no damage. For as big of a fire as it was, we are so lucky it wasn't any worse!

I was still feeling emotional for the rest of that day. I called two of my sisters and talked to them---that was actually how I found out that the chemicals from the extinguisher where what was making me feel so sick. They both freaked and insisted I go to the hospital, but I didn't feel it was necessary.

Later that night, when everything was calm and quiet, I asked Ace to come with me into the bedroom. I was still upset, I knew He was upset and possibly angry, and I needed to be in His arms at that moment. We spooned together silently for a few minutes, then I asked Him if He was mad at me.

"No, I'm not mad at you."

"Really???" I was relieved! "I thought you might be upset at me because of the mess, and because
I've been so emotional about the whole thing. I'm not trying to be, but this is really upsetting for me."

"I can't blame you for that, it's an emotionally charged situation, it only makes sense that you would be a bit upset."

"True, but I was more concerned that you would be mad about the mess, especially after what your dad said. Maybe I did over-react, but your dad wasn't here to see those flames.........honestly, I wasn't being calm or rational at all, I just freaked and used the extinguisher. I didn't mean to make such a mess with it though!"

"In all honesty, I probably would have done the same thing."

"Really????" That was definitely a relief to hear!!

"Well, I didn't see the flames, but if they were really that big, then yeah, I would have done the same thing. That was the smart thing to do, its better to make a mess and have to clean it up than to have to evacuate and call the fire department. Most important thing is that you got it out before the whole house went up!"

I  was so glad to hear that from Him! It really helped to know that He supported the decision I had made, even though I made it under extreme stress and in a panicked state of mind.

As I said above, it took awhile for me to feel better physically. Mentally, I am still dealing with it. The idea that we could have lost our whole house, or worse that one or more of us could have been hurt or killed in that one moment is really hard to deal with. I've still been having dreams about things and people catching on fire...........it's been hard for me to sleep. I've been leaning on Ace alot the last few days, and He can definitely tell it's still affecting me. He more or less has me on a bedtime right now.........I've been falling asleep in the early evenings out of sheer exhaustion, as I can't sleep unless I am too tired to stay awake. When He sees this, He has been gently taking me in to bed, and sometimes He lays with me for a little while as a comfort measure, before going to the office to work(which He does alot at night). I haven't been fighting it............been waking up in the wee hours of the morning and end up staying awake until its time to start the day, so that little bit of time in the evening is all the sleep I've been getting.

This sounds childish as I read it back----a grown woman having nightmares that keep me up like a little child would. Hopefully it's something that will fade as the days go by.

Seeing the book lying out, my father in law teased me about being the girl that played with fire (ha ha). That may be so, but I have no intention of getting a dragon tattoo, and if I see any hornets they are SOL!!!!  

(note: we are all fine, no one was hurt, and we still have our house) :)      

~sugar

What He wants......

We were at the beginning of a "discussion" about my attitude while I was under the weather when He mentioned how we need to add some new implements to the arsenal. Considering He had just acquired two new brushes that were about to be tried out, I wasn't necessarily inclined to agree.

According to Him, the problem is that these two are made of materials we already have. It seems to me we have just about every material that can be had and I told Him so.



Nope.   Not quite.



It was clear He had something on His mind, so I asked Him what He thinks we're missing. 


Apparently, two things............and He was already planning to remedy the situation.



Now, mind you, the warning bells are going off.......He's planning to buy implements, and He's EXCITED about it....................yeah, definitely warning bells........




He brought out the laptop (spanking postponed......yeah!) and asked me to go to a site we have used before. I did so, and He then shared with me the first material we are missing:



Lexan.


Ok, so I dont know exactly where He got this idea......but He is fixed on getting us a lexan paddle and trying it. And, I'm ok with that............. surprised He brought it up, but it should be interesting to try. That was the first item He picked out.




The next material we are supposedly missing is................drumroll please.........

v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v



Rattan.

Ok, so I dont know if I can be ok with this one.


He wants us to try a cane.

Anyone who knows me even a little, knows that this has been something that's a hard limit for me. I've never experienced it, and I don't know that I want to.


I mean, I kinda do.



And I really don't.



Know what I mean?


We did purchase one, and He promised to go very slowly. I told Him there really is no guarantee we will be using it at all yet, and He is ok with that. I know He won't force it, or try to pressure me into it. He knows this is the one thing I have a hard time with, for whatever reason, and I trust Him to wait until I'm ready.

I don't know exactly why I feel this way about this particular implement....I've never experienced it personally, and I do have a relatively high pain threshold, so it wouldn't seem like it would be such a big deal to try it. Maybe just fear of the unknown.......but then again, everything has been "unknown" until we've tried it. I'm not sure what it is.


Since He had shared all of this with me, I decided to share something with Him. For awhile now, I have been thinking about something we did once that, while it freaked me out when we did it, I've been wanting to try again. And so, I asked Him for the computer and if I could add one item as a surprise. He said yes, but insisted on seeing it then, so I added it to our order then went back to the product page so He could see the full picture:

I loved the colors. He loved the idea. I told Him I would try to behave better this time, and He promised to go slowly with this as well (we tried a blindfold once before, and I had a bit of a panic attack with it and kinda freaked out on Him a bit. But ever since, I have wanted to try it again...this is a very real fear for me, and one I would like to get past). He was more than a little surprised at this suggestion, and very pleased by it.

I'm feeling a little anxious/nervous but definitely excited as well.


I think you can all pretty much imagine how He is feeling. :)


~sugar

Full of Joy.....Again!!!!

I have so many things to be thankful for :)

I've become an auntie again!!! :) Another gorgeous baby girl to love (aka spoil) :)

And, she should be joined by another before the end of this year :) (not by me though :P)
You may remember my first "filled with joy" post when I mentioned one of my sisters who was told she would never have children......and now she is carrying her FOURTH (!!!!!) little miracle! :) I am so excited! By the end of the year, my parents will have 24 grandchildren :) And two of my siblings aren't even parents yet! Its going to be a big, BIG family :)


I had this all typed out, and I just erased it. I don't know exactly how I feel right now. Happy, of course, regarding the above.

But it's been a weird week, or two, for me. I've still been sick--Wednesday will be 3 weeks---and to the hospital twice in 24 hours. Different meds are making me feel either supremely tired or all over the place crazy. There's been alot.....I mean ALOT.....of self-pity going on, and it's something I cringe thinking about. I always hate that I do this, yet I can't seem to stop it either.

I'm looking back, realizing that I am so very lucky compared to the things others are facing on a daily basis, and it just makes me feel.......shallow...... for complaining about the stupid little crap that I've been given, when others handle ten times as much with grace and dignity and keep pushing forward through it all.

I keep erasing and re-typing this. I don't know how to say exactly what I mean. I feel like it's coming across really lame.

I guess all I can say is I've been in a very wrong state of mind and it's really been on my mind and making me think. I'm thankful for a whole bunch of things in my life, things I am LUCKY to have, but right now especially for those I know who are facing difficult things in their lives and their strength challenges me to do better.........to think better.

I guess that's it. Do you ever have the feeling you're saying alot, but nearly enough?

~sugar

Just a little fib

That's all it was. Just one little fib. You would think I would know better by now. My big mouth always gets me in trouble. After all of this time, I can still look at Ace and lie to Him. That's hard to admit.

This one is going to be long and kind of random in parts, but will come together at the end, I promise---just stick with me.

We were cleaning out the basement of Ace's mom's house--she has mountains of stuff stockpiled down there that we tried to organize, but mainly He wanted to re-claim all of the things she saved from when He was a kid. It was quite a bit of work, but very cool to watch His face light up when He found things He has not seen in years and assumed was long gone.

One of the best things He found was a belt that was given to Him when He was just a child. It's much smaller than our other belts, a burgundy colored leather thats very thick and heavy, and has His real name on the front of it. It joined our collection in record time.

I've spent the last week and a half  being sick--started as a flu bug that knocked me down for two days and turned into a nasty head cold, with all the sinus/chest gunk and a cough. Then on Thursday afternoon, it morphed into an eye infection.

I didn't think it was much to worry about. My eye was red and sore, but I figured it would take care of itself. Then Friday morning, I woke up and couldn't see out of that eye. I washed it out carefully, and over the course of an hour, I was able to see again but my eye stayed bloodshot and I couldn't stop the tears rolling down my face. Ace was adamant that I call the optometrist.

I hate going to the eye doctor. HATE IT. Mostly the part when they put those drops in my eyes that hurt like hell. My eye doctor actually told me last time that she has never seen any one fight it so much. Not actually swinging or kicking or anything, but I physically cannot hold my eye open and allow something to be put in it, and even when she holds it open it still tries to close. It usually takes at least a couple of tries to get a drop that actually goes in.

Needless to say, with my eye hurting the way it was already, there was no way in heck I was going to have that done. I had already decided that. I tried to shrug it off, doing the "its no big deal.....whatever" stuff. He wasn't having it. We had somewhere we needed to be in less than an hour, so He told me to take the phone with me, get ready to go, and call the doctor. Yeah, yeah....blah blah.

I took the phone with me.....and got ready to go. What's that you ask? Didn't I forget something?? Funny that you should mention it.

I went out to the kitchen and put the phone back. Ace was already there waiting.

"What happened? Did you talk to someone?"  
"Uh..........no, no there was no answer..........just a busy signal hon. We need to get going don't we?"
"Yeah, in just a minute here." He walked away and I figured that would be that.

Then a few minutes later, I was standing on the other side of the kitchen when He came back in.

"Ready to go?" I asked. I had my back turned to Him, so I didn't immediately see where He was headed.
"Yeah, I'll just ring the number again here quick before we head out."

My heart sank. I turned around and watched Him get the phone, dial, and then put the phone up to His ear, knowing full well that someone was bound to answer. I figured I was caught, red-handed.

Sure enough, someone answered and He waved me over quickly to take the phone and tell them what was going on. As it turns out, my optometrists (a husband and wife team) are only on call for emergencies on Fridays. YIPEE!! That meant no doctor for me, as I wasn't about to tell them this was an emergency.

And then, of course, the technician working in the office had to go and ask what was going on. Ace was standing right beside me, so I knew "oh, nothing.....everything's fine" wasn't going to cut it. I reluctantly told the tech my symptoms and his immediate reaction was to take down phone numbers where we could be reached as he was calling the doctors right away. Bummer.

A few hours went by and we didn't hear anything, so I figured the good doctors were entitled to their Friday afternoon, and more power to them. However, the tech finally called back and said he had contacted one of them, they were on the way into town, and could I please meet them at the office? Ace was already nodding, so I knew it was over.......I was going to have to go.

I didnt have to have drops put in my eyes there---yay!---but it turns out it is a bacterial infection that has to be treated with, of course, antibiotic eye drops! So under strictest of orders from the doctor, every two hours I have to put warm compresses on the eye for fifteen minutes, followed by a cold compress for five minutes, and then have the eye drop put in. Honestly, in just a day and a half it is working, but this medicine burns like fire in my eye. It's very hard to do, Ace has had to try to fight with me to get it in, but it has been healing the infection.

So, while I have been sick I have been trying to keep myself and my temper under control, but I am really evil when I am sick. I have been being careful though, and trying to just stay quiet if nothing else. Ace decided tonight that I needed some maintenance. I couldn't argue, its been awhile and I've been rather emotional/needy/feisty/cranky/etc. lately. He's put up with alot out of me the last few days, so I decided to try to be obedient/submissive to Him tonight. I immediately changed into appropriate spanking attire (He has set down rules for how I have to be dressed for this) and met Him in the bedroom.

He spanked me hard with His hand, the Mandatum paddle, the silver hairbrush and a few other items before deciding it was time to try out the newest addition.....the belt we found the day before. As I mentioned above, it is shorter and not as wide across as our other two belts, but is at least twice as thick as any leather implement we have. Ace gave me a few swats with it, then asked me to compare it to the other belt He uses the most often. I found I liked this smaller belt better. It actually hurts a bit more, but in a different way. There is almost no sting to this smaller belt at all--it is very, very heavy and the impact goes deep. I prefer this over sting, as it lasts longer. Ace actually commented that this was leaving marks on me, which never ever happens no matter what He uses, and it was quite an effect for such a small belt.

He started out slowly with it and built up in intensity. Halfway through, He had me stand up so He could pile up the pillows in the middle of the bed, then made me lay over them so He could keep going. It was very intense at the end, and I was struggling to stay in position, so He gave me just a few more and then stopped. By this time, I was out of breath and had serious marks forming on my backside. Ace laid down behind me and pulled me back into His arms to cuddle/soothe after such a hard spanking.

But there was only one thing I could think about. Since the second we walked into the bedroom, I had decided I needed to confess to Ace about the little fib I told about calling the doctor. I had been thinking about it all during the spanking He had given me, trying to decide if I was brave enough to admit it, or if I could count this spanking as punishment enough for it and let it go. I knew better than that. My conscience wasn't letting me off that easy. I had to tell Him.

<sigh>
"Babe?"
"Yeah?"
"I have something I have to tell you."
"What is it? Wait, lemme guess......you can take more than that? Do you seriously want more?"
"No, no....that's not it at all! I just kinda have to tell you something"
"What is it?"
"I don't know if I want to tell you!"
"Uh oh, why not??"
"Well, it certainly doesn't bode well for me, especially in this position."
"Tell me."
"Well, I might have, kinda sorta, told you a bit of a fib about calling the doctor today."

He raised up on his elbow and looked over my shoulder into my eyes, doing the one eyebrow raised you are in trouble look.

"You did what?"
<deep breath>
"I kinda, actually told you a bit of a lie this morning when I said I called Dr. ______."
"Uh huh.....I see. So, you never actually called them at all." (said as a statement)
"No, Sir, I didn't."
"You just decided to tell me that you did."   (That doesnt sound good!)
"Yeah, I guess. But I wasn't trying to lie.....I just hate going there, and my eye hurt already, and I didn't want them to put those evil drops in there........and I just didn't want to go! I hate it!!!!"
"I can understand that, but do you understand that you had to go? This is not something that was going to take care of itself you know! And lying to me about it??" He trailed off.
"I'm sorry Babe, I really wasnt expecting you to come back and decide to call them yourself." (not exactly sure why I said that!!)
"Well, its a darn good thing for you that I did isnt it?"

I just nodded. I told Him how I was sure He was going to question me after He called and that I was certain He knew that He had caught me already. He replied that He never had that thought at all, because He trusted me that I had done what He asked. That really hurt to hear. I had betrayed His trust in me and been disrespectful to Him as the leader in our home. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I told Him I was sorry, that my intention was not to lie to Him.......I just didnt want to go.

He told me again that He could understand how I felt, but that I needed to share those feelings with Him and let Him help me through it, rather than being disobedient and lying to Him. He had me cradled in His arms as He said it, and He lectured me a little more about my behavior, but I knew I had more than just a lecture coming.

"Are you going to spank me again?" I whispered the question, although I knew the answer already.
"Yes, I am. You just cannot lie to me. I can't let you get away with that."

The tears were back as He put me in position again. I fully expected Him to take the belt back up, but He leaned down and softly told me:

"You're lucky you've had such a hard spanking already tonight. I'm going to give you 25 more, hard, with my hand, and then we are going to forget about this. Do you understand?"

I just nodded my head and braced myself for it. Two swats in I was in full out tears, and by the end I was openly crying......something that hasn't happened in a very long time. It took Ace by surprise, and He was kind enough to get me some tissues and a drink of water before taking me back into His arms. I apologized again, and He soothed me. When I calmed down, He asked if I was alright and why that had made me cry when I have taken harder before. It wasnt the spanking that made me cry---it was the acknowledgement that I had looked right at Him and lied to Him when He trusted me and I told Him it hurt my heart to know that I had disrespected Him that way. My conscience was still bothering me---He had let me off very easy considering I lied directly to Him. I was worried He was going to resent me for it and I told Him so. He looked me right in the eyes:

"Listen, I dont want you feeling that way. I am not angry at you, and this is over. I don't even want you to think about it anymore, ok? It's over now."

I just nodded and started to leave the room. He caught me halfway across and pulled me into a hug. I melted into His arms. A few minutes later, He pushed back to look down at me and I lowered my eyes.

"Look at me." Not a request, a command I obeyed immediately.
"I love you Mae." My heart soared.
"I love you too."
"Now, go get everything ready for tomorrow and get to bed."

I nodded again and started to move past Him when I heard Him quietly clear His throat. I looked back at Him and saw one eyebrow raised and an expectant look on His face, accompanied by the faintest of smiles. I knew what He was waiting for.

"Yes, Sir."

~sugar

I dare you to move

So, apparently I missed my blog-a-versary.

My very first post was April 13 2011. Since then, I've posted 69 times and, according to the stupid new blogger layout thingy, I've had 18,577 page views. Thats much more than I thought!

I was gonna post this the other day, but now seems like a better time (procrastination isnt always a bad thing!) I put this elsewhere earlier this week--I really love this song.

I had plans to make an entirely different blog post, but since its my blog-a-versary, I'll put it here: my "bucket list", the things I want to do before I kick it (or, for now, the vanilla ones).

1. See Vincent Van Gogh's Starry Night.   
2. Perform in a Cirque du Soleil show.
3. Spend an hour(or a day, or a year) with Howard Gardner.
4. Go to Italy, France, England, China, Scotland, anywhere in the Carribean, Africa....this list could go on! :)
5. To have a sound proof room, a piano, and Brian Wilson(the artist, not the athlete) for an hour (or a few)and see what awesomness comes out of it.
6. To go on a shoe drop with Tom's Shoes.
7. To take The Walk.
8. To go to all of the 50 states (this is much easier/faster than listing all the big cities!)
9.  Write a book.
10. To finish my college career! (Almost there, but it feels like its been forever!!!)

If you look at numbers 4 and 8, and think about all the things to see in those places, they are all on the list but it would take forever to type them all out. There are alot of things in there, but the first 7 especially are very important to me. These are all things I want to do someday. I'll keep the not vanilla list to myself, at least for now :)

To those of you who read/follow---especially the ones who have been with me this whole year---thank you so much! A very special thank you goes out to Joey, who was my first follower and has been the most faithful reader I have.

~sugar

A week in Disney World----or Walt Disney the Spanko(part 2)?

We've finally made it home from our much needed vacation-spent a lovely week in Florida, first in St. Augustine and then in Disney. We had a great week, our daughter had awesome experiences there, and now we are home safe and sound.

Ok, so anyone who has travelled with me knows I am terrible at it. Looking back at past years, I'm ashamed to admit that as soon as vacation starts, my submission and self control tend to take a vacation as well. This year, I was determined to do better. I didnt want to be frustrating Ace and feeling out of control. I warned Ace that He better give me an attitude check before we even left, or risk another year of the same from me. He laughed, but agreed wholeheartedly, promising not only a spanking, but one the night before we were leaving so I would feel it on the road (its a 22 hour drive!).

I had been spanked a few days previously--get this, for planning the trip! Apparently, admitting to "plotting and planning", even when its something good, is still a good reason to earn a spanking! (Ok, actually there was a little more sassiness/teasing involved, but if thats not Top logic, I dont know what is!! :P)

The days before we left were chaotic, as usual. We spent our days running around, checking and double checking to make sure we had all of our reservations in order, everything we needed for the trip packed up(and then some) and of course, in the jumble.....the "getting her attitude in the right place before she melts down" spanking was forgotten. I would be lying if I said I didnt resent that a bit, but "miss confident" came out and I shrugged it off. I didnt need a spanking! I could be good all by myself! Just watch me!!!

And I was.

For the first few days.

And then. Theres always that "then". Little by little, I was slipping. I caught myself a few times and straightened up.....He mostly ignored it, although there were a few pointed looks and quiet warnings. He even braved a swat or two, and if you have ever been to one of these parks, you know how hard that is to do! People and Disney employees everywhere, all watching either directly or via security cameras. You are never alone in those parks. And I was taking advantage of it!

At one point I was going all independent/confident/toppy on Him, pointedly pretending not to see the warning looks and asking Him what He thought He was gonna do about it.

"You cant do anything about it here" I laughed. He smiled back.

"Thats true, but remember we wont always be here". (accompanied with a swat).

Oy! :)

Ace's sister went with us on this trip, and she offered to stay with our little one most of the time we were down there, so Ace and I had alot of time to ourselves. During this time, He visited the:

Actual sign found in Tomorrow Land part of the Magic Kingdom

where He found some motivation:

The beatings will continue until morale improves

And He found a few tools to assist in the process:

Set of 3 bamboo Mickey spoons

The "handy helper"

And of course, being the good Top that He is, He was also thinking of after care:

Mickey shaped re-freezable ice cubes

We were both completely worn out last night after getting home late and then spending hours unpacking everything, but He was determined to try out the new toys. I hadnt been spanked in almost two weeks, so I was in no hurry to get back to it. I was just fine waiting until another night, when we wouldnt be so tired out.

Thats why He is the Top, and I am not. :) He had made up His mind that I was getting a "tryout" spanking, although He promised (warned?) me that this was not going to be the full out spanking I have coming just yet <sigh>. And so, I found myself across the bed getting acquainted with the newbies. He started with His hand, and even over jeans I was squirming within a few minutes time. Its amazing how sensitive I have become in two weeks of inactivity. He complained that the jeans were in the way, and they were quickly gone. A few more with His hand and then He started with the bamboo spoons. The flat, spatula looking one and the regular wooden spoon felt the same, light and very stingy...no thud whatsoever, and relatively easy to take. The spoon with the holes drilled in it was another story!! That little thing HURTS! We were both surprised at how much more impact it had on me than the other two, and needless to say it became Ace's favorite of the three. He spanked me with the "handy helper" (His name for it) for a few minutes, and it is very much like the spoons--stings a lot and was a little louder.

By that time, Ace commented that I was turning dark red very quickly, and He had never seen my body react that way...........it had Him a bit worried that He was doing too much too soon, so He made the decision to stop. It had been almost two weeks since we had a moment alone, so it didnt take long for our attention to turn to each other, and catching up a bit. ;)

We had a great vacation and I am still tired but happy. I expect the promised spanking will occur tonight---I am sure He wants to test out the toys a bit more, and then there is last week to be discussed <sigh> The mickey ice cubes are standing by........  

~sugar

Answering your comments

I was going to answer your comments as I normally do, but there was a substantial number of them--some quite long---after my last blog posts, so I wanted to answer them here, so I wouldnt miss anyone.

Before I address you all personally, I want to say a few things. First, I was wrong in the way that I portrayed Ace in my last post. Every time I read it, I become more aware that I have made Him out to be things He is not. I know that my Ace loves me. And I love Him, very much so. Ultimately, He wants nothing more than to protect me and keep me from doing something I could very much regret.

He was angry. There is no doubt about that. But let me be clear: His anger was mostly at the idea that I had kept so much from Him and let so many things bother me, that I was to the point of giving up on us in a moment of anger and frustration. That is why He punished me, not because of His mother.

It was very hard, harder than its ever been and I am not going to lie........it was kinda scary to have it happen that way, the way I physically reacted. My first instinct is to protect Him, to say its all fine....I deserved it and all that. And while I did deserve it, it was a lot to deal with both physically and emotionally. The physical aspects disappeared in time.....the emotional aspects take longer. This gets complicated, I fear I am not explaining myself very well. What I mean is that 99% of me feels that He was right and justified. But there is one teeny, tiny, little part of me that is still struggling with it. I had a friend express concern that He may have overstepped boundaries a bit. I cant say if this is true or not. We dont especially have boundaries set up (I have a few things that are hard limits which He knows)---but for just spanking, I've left that to Him to decide. It would be hypocritical of me to give that to Him, then bitch and moan when He chooses to use it. So yeah, it was alot, but it was within what He felt was an appropriate punishment for my actions. Whether He was right or wrong, or went too far, I cant say....I gave that decision over to Him to make. I'm still wrestling with that 1% of me that wants to stamp my feet, and yell, and set everyone after Ace because I am still trying to justify some of my actions and defer responsibility. That stubborn part of me still wants to insist I was right to want to report His mom, but ultimately, that is not the issue He had and only plays a partial role in the reason I was spanked.

Joey: You have been a good friend and my most faithful follower since I started this blog and I cannot thank you enough for your support! You are right, communication is a key to any relationship. There were many things going on for a long time that I let build up until my frustration and anger boiled over. I'm still working on being strong enough to talk to Him about things, rather than push them down and hold them in.

Mikki: Thank you for your comment. There were many things, some built up and some that occurred over the course of a few days, that factored into this spiral. In reality, it is the fact that I let certain things and people bother me more than I should, and I let these things fester and grow until they get out of hand. Yes, what my MIL did wasnt right, and there should be consequences for her actions, but its not my job to hand them out. I have a bad temper, and I let it take control of me and my actions far too often.

Bree and Lea: Thanks for commenting---your support and friendship is appreciated. Lea, you are right that my MIL should not have accessed those records the way she did. But, its not my place to point out that fault. We are going to try to separate ourselves from His family a bit---its hard when they live right next store/visit every day, but we are going to try to pull away as much as we can and I am definitely having a disclaimer put on my daughter's file at her Dr.'s that nothing is to be discussed regarding her without Ace or I being physically present at the conversation. That means nothing by phone or person unless one of us is standing directly next to her Dr. to hear it. Hopefully, that will at least stop that from happening again and I wont be so frustrated feeling like her privacy is being violated.

Isabella (Molded by Him): I dont know you, but thank you for taking the time to both read and comment on my blog. I need to make absolutely sure that it is understood that He punished me for my behaviour towards Him, not towards His mother. And His mother should be held responsible for her actions, but that is not my job. The root of the problem is that I let other people's words and actions bother me too much, then give in to a famously bad temper and explode. And He has to pick up the pieces, and get me back where I should be, which is safe in His arms. Yes, my punishment hurt, and it still hurts a bit, but we are right back where we need to be and I am working on my temper, as well as letting go and not letting others get to me so much.

Opinionated: As I mentioned above, I think I portrayed this situation inaccurately. He punished me for my behaviour towards Him and losing myself in my anger and self-righteousness. His mom was wrong, but its not my place to punish her for it. Our long talk made me realize that He understands that the things she does like this are wrong, but He feels it is not our place to correct it. He too feels the condescension and superiority from His parents, but He lived with them for a good portion of His life and has learned to deal with it. Unlike me, He does not have a temper and He can take what others say and how they act towards Him with a grain of salt. This is something I am still learning.

Thank you all for your friendship and support---it means so much to me to know I have all of you to share this with! I appreciate you taking time out of your day to read my ramblings and show your support through comments. Please keep in mind that the events of the last two blog posts happened several weeks ago and we have been alright since then. There have been a few affects caused by these events, but life is continuing and we are ok together. I love Him and He loves me---at the end of the day, after all the conflict, thats all that matters. ~sugar