The Versatile Blogger Award

Ok, so I'm bringing it back. Lea, over at Lea's Corner  (http://musingsofabottom.blogspot.com/) was kind enough to nominate me for it---Thanks Lea! :) Sorry it took so long to get around to it!

So the rules are:  1. Link back to the award giver. 2. List 7 things about yourself. 3. List fifteen other blogs you enjoy reading and pass nominations on to them.

Geeze, lets see, seven things about me.......that are interesting......that you dont already know........


1. I know how to play the drums. I would never ever do it in public mind you, but its something I learned as a kid. I've never learned to read music, despite many efforts by many people.

2. Biologically, I have 6 sisters and 2 brothers. Thats nine of us in all, and I am right smack dab in the middle. Four older sisters, and two of each younger than me. I also have one adopted sister (she was adopted by the same "parents" who adopted all of us). The maximum age difference between any of us is 3 years (between two of my older sisters) and the minimum is 11 months (between myself and the sister who is just older than me). For a little over a month each year, she and I are acutally the same age.

3. I was once arrested for shoplifting. I was a teenager, made a very stupid mistake, but thankfully one that was fixable. It took alot of work, but I took every punishment I was given, completed all of the things given to me by the court system, and got my record expunged. (This fascinates Ace by the way--it came up in conversation just the other night, and He wanted all of the details....the first time I have ever really gone into it with Him. I'm only slightly worried....and a little curious....about why He was so interested). 

4. I would rather read a book than do anything else. Especially John Grisham. I have a literary love affair with that man. I own all of his books and some in both hard cover and paperback(a whole shelf on the bookcase is his and then some). I have a system to reading books. I usually start a book, read about 75% of it, and then start another one. When I get to 5 or 6, then I go back and read all of the endings.

5. I was once in a serious relationship with another girl. No, that doesnt make me a lesbian or bi-sexual. Lesbians actively seek women and bi's actively seek members of both gender. I've never actively sought anyone first off. Second of all, and this is where I get funky with my views, I dont believe that a soul has a gender. Believe me, I have a whole lot of discussions with a whole lot of people on this one. If your a Bible person, yes I know about the verse with "male and female" and "created in His image"---I was raised in a strict Bible Baptist home. Thats the physical body we all have. What I want to know, is if God did put a soul in a body, what was it before it was there? Did it have a gender? I dont think so. For that matter, the perceptions we have of what "male" and "female" consist of have been determined by a man, not necessarily by God. Man wrote down what his interpretation of God's word is and that original document has been tampered with revised many times (mainly by early leaders of the Catholic religion). Who's to say if thats ever actually what God said at all? Do we really put that much faith in one or even a few men who supposedly wrote the whole truth and nothing else? The Bible says "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" and yet the majority of religions in the world rely upon one or even a few of these people and their interpretations of divine revelations. Thats a little scary, yes? Ok, so now I am rambling........lets get back to the point. Souls dont have gender, bodies do. And I didnt fall in love with a body, I fell in love with a soul......and incredible soul that moved me and changed me in ways I could never hope to understand. She was the first to ever "Top" me, although I was far too naive to understand it at the time. Losing her was one of the hardest things I have ever had to face. (If you read my post "o que escapou" that was her, the one that got away....in her language.)

6. I know how to read Tarot cards (although if you read my last post, you know this one already). I also have the sixth sense, a gift I was told by a savant that was given to me by Nature to account for my being born a preemie. Ace and I have tested it often---we share an unnaturally high level of telepathy between us. I am usually pretty good with perception and telepathy with others as well, as long as they can clear their mind and project ideas. It really doesnt depend a whole lot on the person receiving a message, the one sending it from themselves has the greater task. I love doing this with people though---it freaks them out most times and then they want to know what "the secret" is. I dont know if my savant friend is right---I think most people can do this, if they can control their mind and find an open-minded individual to participate. Perhaps Nature makes it easier for some than others, but I do feel that everyone has the potential to be able to.

7.  I used to be fairly good at singing. I was required to sing in the choir at church so my voice was trained to be good. I sang soprano, and the hardest song we ever performed was Handel's "Messiah". I used to love the holiday season at church though---the Christmas songs were always a favorite of mine and still are. I taught myself to plunk them out on the piano, but I cant actually play them.

Whew. That was alot. Ok so for the blogs. I follow quite a few of them, although I'm what you call a lurker or what Lea might call "a creepy McCreep". Ok, so I'm not that bad but I usually dont comment on other people's pages. I read alot of blogs but rarely comment---by the time I get to them, what I would have said has usually been expressed by someone else already anyway. So anywho, in no random order, the ones I will admit to following are:

Lea @ Lea's Corner  http://musingsofabottom.blogspot.com/
Mikki @ We're Making Up For Lost Time http://mikki-makingupforlosttime.blogspot.com/
Rayne @ Mischief Managed http://solemnlyswear-uptonogood.blogspot.com/
Ashley @ A Loves Z http://alovesz.blogspot.com/
Ms. Margaret Davis @ http://msmargaretdavis.blogspot.com/

If you go to any of these blogs and read the blogs they follow then you will see the ones I normally read. I really enjoy Stormy's, as well as Mick's (nice to have a guy's perspective), Kitty's, Season and Michael, Grace, Hermione, Christina, Rogue, Ronnie, Kay, Kiwi, and I know there are others that I am forgetting. None of these people know me, nor I them, but I have followed their blogs for a while and very much enjoyed their posts. I didnt include links to their pages because I dont know them and I dont want to freak anybody out. :)

Christmas

Well, littles' birthday is over.....gosh darn its hard to believe that child is 6 already! Time flies.......    This is always my favorite time of the year by far, but its a little bittersweet. I've had an ungodly number of people ask me when we are having our next child---none of whom know about the little one we lost. Its been really hard, I'm swallowing down a lump in my throat even as I type this. Its been a more than a year, for all practical purposes I should be over it. But I just cannot let it go. I've had it suggested that I may need to attend grief counseling---I have a whole bunch of mixed up emotions about that. It might help, but at the other hand I feel like a) I shouldnt need it, and b) its not fair of me to take something like this to a counselor when its something I should be able to handle myself. There is alot of guilt with this. Alot of hurt. I think any woman that can just "get over" this, move on and even have more kids after it is incredibly strong. I'm not that woman.

Ok, this isnt what I was intending to post about at all. Like I said, littles had her birthday party--the second one this year---and it was really great. Her nana gave her another American Girl doll--she has had the Bitty Baby ones but this is her first full size one and she was thrilled. Party went off without a hitch. We are all pretty tired, but I know it was worth it to have her be so happy.

We had Christmas with Ace's family today. Doing things a bit different this year---opened presents tonight, but having Christmas dinner there tomorrow evening. Tomorrow morning, Ace, littles, and I will have our own little Christmas---a tradtion we started for the three of us when she was born. We wanted to have our own special time to be together and exchange gifts without the extra family. Looking forward to that time with my loves, as always.

Tonight was really great! While I dont always agree with my in-laws (they still think Ace made a mistake with me) they are, to be honest, unfailingly generous at the holiday season. My favorite gift this year from "Mom and Dad" is this:

*Huge grin* Ok, so my in laws have had one of these benches in their living room for a few years and I have always loved it---and this year they surprised us with one of our own! I've told Ace (privately) many times that this would make a fantastic spanking bench, and that we should get one. As soon as we saw it, He turned to me, with His back to His parents, and gave me the biggest grin ever! I know what He was was thinking! As soon as we had a few seconds alone, He whispered evil naughty things He plans to do with it  and my response was "They may not be as vanilla as we think they are"! (although I am pretty sure they have no idea what we see in it) :)I am absolutely tickled with it. The top flips over to make serving trays or a coffe table space and the bottom is open for storage. Ace mentioned off-handedly that we could use it to hold our implements, prompting a rather startled look from me! :) He then amended that to say "If it were anyplace but the living room " *insert sigh of relief here* Its just fantastic, I cant wait to use it for everything but its intended purpose.

I've not been spanked in over two weeks----the health stuff and then busyness have prevented us from having the time. I am surprised to find that I dont actually need it. I have been behaving appallingly well, for me, following all of Ace's directions, keeping my temper, getting everything done, and still finding time to rest and get myself better in between. I have to admit, I am a little nervous about going back to it. We have a few new implements that have been neglected and now a new spanking bench as well. Dont know for sure when we will get around to it, but hopefully a nice gg spanking sometime soon.

I hope you all have had a wonderful holiday! Looking forward to the New Year! :) ~sugar and Ace

P.S. I've learned a few new setups for my Tarot cards---I love doing readings for people, if you want one just let me know and I'll get back to you! :) I am not a professional and it is all just for fun, so please dont take it too seriously. The answers given are usually pretty broad and can be interpreted different ways depending on personality and mindset. Consider that my disclaimer. :)

Just a post

Lots of things going on at once--its hard to keep up with everything this time of year. My semester is finally over, assignments all turned it so that is a relief. It was alot of work, but I managed to get it all done. Just in time too--the day after I turned in my final paper, our PC crashed. Nasty little virus---thats what we get for trusting a microsoft program(I thought it was a bad idea from the start, but who am I?). System recovery, and we are back, but on a very old/outdated browser and lots of stuff gone. The last thing I needed right now.

I've been to the hospital two times in the last week. I had very painful spots break out on my left shoulder that spread to my arm and around my ribcage. Dr. determined it was shingles. Lots of pain/soreness/stiffness last Wednesday and Thursday. A day or two of meds, and I thought I was ready to take on the world! What I've found is I am not nearly as strong as I thought I am. Working two days out of three this weekend and throwing a GIGANTIC birthday party for my daughter---hey I can do that right? Well, whether thats true or not, I did it. And I shouldnt have. My body and my mind are just in turmoil. I've spent 90% of the last week wrapped up in blankets sleeping or swallowing pills, but my body is still rebelling against the idea of movement. Getting up and walking across a room is an effort. Going to work has been excruciating. I'm trying to keep going, focusing on the good things coming up this week--Christmas and my little girl's actual birthday that we are celebrating with another party. Just focus on the good stuff.

Since my last post, we've added two new weapons to our arsenal :) At Ace's request, I  purchased a new leather belt for us. His is very old and was given to Him by His grandfather so we both wanted to put that one away and not use it for ttwd. The one I purchased for Him is just awesome. Dark brown with a nice little bite. Despite health problems for both of us, He has been able to use it on me (gently) twice so far. He whipped me once with the gorgeous buckle on the front which was excruciating lovely. I think I am going to fall completely in love with it when He gets the chance to fully use it for the first time (hopefully soon).

The other implement is a pretty little metal carpet beater we found at an antique store. This one I DONT like! Its only been used once (besides when we tested it in the store) and I dont like it at all!! Its a serious implement and while we want to experiment with it more, we're moving slowly with that one.

Anywho, its early and I am exhausted. Slept all day, and need to sleep more. Just a quick update. Everything is ok and I am healing up. I hope everyone has a lovely holiday if I dont get a chance to tell you all before then! Take care! All the best,  ~sugar ( and Ace).

Homework, Interrupted

So, I was working on school work today (almost done re-creating and finishing the "lost" assignment, yay!). I was home alone, the ideal working situation, and only the television was on but off to the side of me so I wasnt paying attention to it. Well, at least not at first. When I glanced over, I noticed that "Bonanza" was on (a show I hate!). I think Fate was playing with me a bit, because a rather boring scene grabbed my attention and a few minutes later turned rather interesting.

So, background: Ben has been given a white girl who was raised by Indians. She is wild and crazy and he has a difficult time taming her. The first video should play from about 5:30 (thats just before I started watching it). Unfortunately it breaks off at a crucial moment, but if you press play on the second video you pick up right where it left off. On the second video, there is another moment where the girl is throwing a fit at the table and Ben commands her to follow him outside. The voice he used grabbed my attention and made me shiver. YIKES! But, what happens outside is not at all what I was expecting. :) Enjoy! :)

Video 1--Fast forward to about 5:30 :)

Video 2---the continuation and extra scene beginning at about 7:15.

                                                                              

Spanking Christmas Carols

This first one is set to the song "Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer".
    

 Grandma got her ass spanked by a reindeer

Walking home from my house Christmas Eve

She tried to tell me Santa is a hoax

But He gave her a reason to believe!

This one is set to "I'll be Home for Christmas".

I'll be sore for Christmas

He has told me so

We'll have "ooooooo"

And "No, no, no!!!

And then its cornertime.

My ass will be smarting

A sorry girl I'll be

I'll be sore for Christmas

Its coal and canes for me!

This one is set to "Hark the Herald Angels Sing"

Hark, the Head of Household says

"Get your ass up on that bed!"

Peace is gone, no mercy nigh

Just His hand, raised to the sky.

Squirmy on the bed she waits

For the brush she loves to hate

Hears a "crack" and hollers "ow!"

All thoughts of bratting banished now!

Hark the Head of Household says

"She'll be a good girl now, I bet!"

This one is set to just the verse part of "Jingle Bells".

Dashing throught the house,

Away from Him I'll run

Until He's out of breath

And I have Him undone!

When He catches me

A spanking I will get

And then I'll be a happy girl

Its our best Christmas yet!!

And finally, this last one really made Ace laugh. Its set to "The Little Drummer Boy".

Come He told me.

      (Oh crap thats not good!)

Our implements to see.

(Oh sh*t thats not good!!)

You need a spanking dear

(Oh no, thats ok!)

So get your ass over here!

(Wait, what did He say?!?)

(Oh hell no, no way!!!)

(Just GO AWAY!!!!!)

"Now you're TOAST dear" thats what He said

(Sh*t, I'm dead, dead,DEAD, DEAD!!)

Happy Holidays! Enjoy! :)

Happy Holidays!

Ok so, lots of things going on here still. I wasnt planning on blogging again, or at least not this soon, but I've been handed some material that is too good to pass on.


We were in the store the other day, innocently browsing through the Christmas stuff when spank-o-vision happened. Sitting in a box at the end of an aisle, were these:



I turned just in time to see Ace tap it against His hand, then turn to me with an evil grin.

"You know what this looks like, dont you?"

"Yeah, and no we are not corrupting Christmas!" I laughed. (Some things I'll kinkify, but not Christmas!)

Well, yeah.......that didnt work! He found it intriguing how closely this resembled a cane and decided we were gonna try it. (Um......yeah, I dont think so, canes are a no-no for me!)

Anywho, needless to say the dang thing came home with us. He talked me into trying it one time for Him with the promise that He would go slowly and be gentle with it.

And so, I've been caned for the first time. Well, kinda. Candy caned I guess (does that count?) I'll spare the details, but the candy cane didnt last long(flimsy) and I found that I didnt hate it as much as I was anticipating, although its not a real cane so my fear of that implement remains.

Tonight we were in the bedroom, taking care of a responsibility issue. I seem to be having trouble with things I am supposed to do. I remember about half of them on any given day. I get discipline for what I forget, and hence remember those things the next day but in the process I forget the first set of things that I had been remembering. I just cant seem to get into a pattern of doing all of it at the same time. Its been a struggle because it looks like I am being stubborn and/or defiant, but that is not where my heart is at all! There are just certain things, little things, that I either do or dont do without really thinking about it, particularly when focused on bigger or more important things.

Anywho, (sorry for above tangent!), tonight the subject of Christmas and particularly Christmas music came up between Ace and I. He definitely hates Christmas music, stemming from years working at a bank that played the same music over and over from Halloween to Valentines Day! He's jokingly began refering to Himself as a scrooge (His words, not mine!!) He was complaining tonight about a lack of new Christmas music and at one point, He mentioned creating an album Himself. My first thought was "what would He call it? "Spank your wife for Christmas??"). No sooner than that thought popped into my head He began laughing and said He would call it " Spanking Her Red for Christmas". This began a lively conversation between us on Spanking Christmas Carols. He threw out some ideas for songs, and I began playing with lyrics. I'll post them separately as this is getting a bit long. :)



Changes

Lots of changes going on this week---its been a whirlwind. Between school, work, all of my daughter's activities, and other commitments there hasnt been a whole lot of time for us to figure out where we are going with this.

I followed through with His request and shared more thoughts and ideas with Him. We found a few minutes together, He asked some questions and I did my best to answer them. Its hard to describe how He is feeling about this right now. Maybe a combination of freaked out, nervous, surprised, anxious, amused, and intrigued.......all at once (some more than others).

As I said, lots of changes. He's definitely trying. I've asked Him to step more into the dominant role in our relationship---I dont want that to be mine anymore, and He has taken that to heart.

He set up definitive rules and expectations of me---I asked Him to do so, I need to feel like there is structure here instead of floundering around, doing what I want and when without knowing or even caring what He thinks. That obviously wasnt working. Now I have at least a few things to keep me focused and centered where I need and want to be. It feels so much better, for both of us. Its given us both a way to know what the other wants without waiting to find out until frustration and defensiveness have already set in. This is hard to explain. It sounds like we were fighting/angry at each other all the time before this and thats not true at all. We never fight. But I do think there were things I was doing that frustrated Him, although He didnt accuse me of them or even decide to vocalize them. They were there, pulling us apart, without us knowing or even really caring.....we just kinda let them go, without taking time to address the negative impact on us.

When we discussed setting up specific house rules, He was apprehensive and unsure, centered around the idea of feeling like He would be treating me like a child, instead of His wife and partner (have I mentioned how much I love this man?) Most of His questions involved this idea---it was difficult for me to explain to Him how I felt and what the differences were. He has agreed to it, but I'm not sure He fully understands why just yet. We worked together on what the rules would be. One was already in place, regarding me having my driver's license on me at all times. The rest include more responsibilty around the house, spending at least an hour on schoolwork a day (that one will be difficult for me, I'm a procrastinator), watching/working on my temper, and  (at lest until I get feeling better) getting more sleep at night (so far, not a problem as I am falling asleep early in the evenings anyway). I was expecting leniency the first day or two the rules were in place--its a big adjustment after all---but Ace held me to them from the very beginning. And I am glad that He did. If He had made exceptions, I am sure I would look for exceptions again.

I'm surprised reading over this how long it is---I wasnt intending it to be or to necessarily share as much as I have. At the same time, this is only scratching the surface and there is no way I could explain the intimate details of the changes taking place. Its much more complicated and intricate than this. I am going to be more choosy about what I am putting out here---I feel like I may have been sharing too much in the past, and not keeping enough of this for just Ace and I. That may have been factoring into the difficulties we've had.

Anyway, thank you all for reading and commenting on the blog. Its appreciated! I was going to participate in the Love our Lurkers day and then changed my mind---I dont know that there are that many lurkers to this page anywho. If you are, feel free to de-lurk here or elsewhere---most bloggers I know appreciate knowing who exactly is reading/following their blog.  :)

Communication

So, I was thinking about my last post alot after I read it. Read and responded to comments, and thought some more. I was looking at the very real possibilty of ending this lifestyle for good.

I knew we needed to talk about this. Ace had no idea I was feeling this way about ttwd, and I knew I couldnt decide to end it without telling Him why. I waited until I had a few minutes alone yesterday afternoon, and wrote Him a email with my thoughts and feelings. I didnt tell Him, or ask Him to read it but waited for Him to find it.

He spanked me last night---and it completely confirmed how I was feeling. It was flat, empty---virtually nothing was said between us and afterwards He went back to His office to work and I fell asleep. It just confirmed to me that this has become a chore, there is no substance to it whatsoever. And I knew then that its not working and its time to call it quits. I resigned myself to the idea of  returning to a vanilla life.

This morning, I was working on homework when Ace came in and asked to talk to me. And talk we did. We spent the next three hours just talking about ttwd and our feelings about it.

And I discovered that Ace was feeling exactly the same way I was. He, like me, had no idea how to go about saying it or changing it. I discovered that He doesnt want to stop this lifestyle but He agrees that where we are now is not working. He admitted being unsure of what to do and being too dominant in the relationship for fear of damaging me physically or emotionally and my heart just melted. He has so much love and concern for me that He couldnt see going any farther than the very littlest bit we have done. I erased His fears and concerns and He erased mine. He told me He does want to be in this fully but He has not been fully committed to the idea and it has just degenerated as a result. I had no idea He felt as He did. Some of the things He said really surprised me. He has just as many ideas and as much desire to move forward with this as I do but had no way to tell me.

Of course, I had doubts. I asked Him, several times, if He is doing this because its what He wants or what He knows I want. The answer wasnt what I was expecting (He said both). I was expecting Him to acknowledge doing this for me and because He loves me ( a very good reason) which He did but He made it very clear that He also wants to continue this journey. We picked apart my email to minute details and discussed where we go from here. We talked about different kinds of dominance: in our household the difference in dominance when He is punishing me as opposed to when we are playing/making love; in public, how He speaks to me and acts (I asked Him to be more dominant here) and He mentioned extending this on a smaller scale to other interactions as well (difficult to explain). We talked about different actions and implements for punishment and for other things; about Him taking more control over the household and me. He asked me to think about this more and email Him exactly what I am thinking of for us and ttwd.

I'm feeling a little nervous and excited about this whole thing. I want to believe this change will happen, we desperately need to change here, but there is one little part of me that is raining on the parade, one nagging little voice warning me not to get too excited about it just yet.

But at least now I know I am not alone. And if we work together, we just might make it work.

Updates and Thoughts

So, I'm feeling pretty much the same. Not sure what nonsense this is, but its persistant! I took my spanking from Ace for my attitude. I'll spare the details but it was very intense and there was no warm-up. The spanking itself was hard, but then He took the ruler to my hands and that really, really hurt! He had remembered that I told Him(after experimenting with the ruler) if He ever needed to seriously discipline me, that was how to do it. He was surprised by how much it hurt me as I can take a fair amount of physical pain. I think the idea of it hurt more than the action itself--it felt more like a punishment than our normal routine, and I was feeling alot more vunerable and contrite as a result.

There's been so much going on---so many things running through my head. I've been struggling alot with ttwd. This isnt new for me. I've felt this way since the first day I mentioned it to Him.

Here's the thing---Ace isnt a spanko. I tried to make Him one. And therein lies the problem. This doesnt come naturally and is very difficult for Him. I know, without a doubt, this is not something He would ever have chosen.

And that makes me feel so guilty. I've completely molded and changed this man to serve my own interests. And that strikes me as being selfish.

I know that He does it because He loves me and would do anything for me, but this isnt something that He wants to do. And I hate the idea of this happening because its what I want instead of we want/need. I feel like I'm forcing it on Him.

I love my Ace, more than anything. The idea that He was willing to even listen to this, and then do it, without divorcing me or dropping me off at the local funny farm is extraordinary.

But I dont want this when it feels this way. When it feels forced, when its my idea instead of His, and when I know this isnt something He wants to do but feels like He has to for me.

Its very late, and I am not expressing this how I am intending to. I just dont know whether to stay right where we are(neither of us happy with the situation) to push on ahead without Him, or to go back to vanilla life with Him. I cant imagine doing either of the last two. If I have to choose, then its to go back to being vanilla with Him---I cant do this otherwise. That would be the hardest thing I have ever had to do---going back to supressing this lifestyle, but moving ahead without Him beside me for the journey is just not an option. I want to give this up entirely to Him, let Him decide, and find a way to make it work. I've been vanilla before, I can do it again right?

I am just tired of feeling like I am being selfish for wanting this when I know He doesnt. I dont want to feel like I am changing everything He was and is just to satisfy my own personal desires. I cant make Him into something He's not.

Spanking Postponed

We were sitting together on the couch, watching Survivor. I had been waiting for a quiet moment with Him to talk.

You see, I was late for work yesterday morning. But wait, it wasnt my fault! Lemme explain.....

I got to work 12 minutes early and was sitting in my car. My co-workers showed up over the next few minutes, with the exception being our opening manager. At five minutes to five (thats a.m.!) we walked to the door to wait and were talking amongst ourselves. Three, four, five minutes.......no manager. Dang.
So there we are, stuck outside with no way to get into the building. A few people were inside working overnight to change floor plans, but we were told they are permitted to open the door for us.

Two, three, four minutes later and we are now four minutes late. Then five. Finally, at six minutes after someone from inside came and unlocked the door. Complications arose as we were told by management that this person wasnt supposed to let us in, but that person was insisting that we should have rang the door buzzer to summon her and we wouldnt have been late. Those of us on the morning crew stated that our times needed to be changed in the computer so we wouldnt show up as being late when we werent, but the two people inside (and unfortunately, our manager when we discussed it later) decided that it was in fact our fault, our times would not be changed, and we were going on the record as late. : <

I knew I had to tell Ace. My one year review is coming up and this could very well affect whether I get a raise or not (I sincerely hope it doesnt). I have been punished by Him for being late earlier this year, and He warned me about getting any more demerits for it. This time, it really wasnt my fault but it is still on my record just the same and I was sure He wasnt going to be happy about it.

I was snuggled into His arms, waiting for the right moment to bring it up, and formulating how to tell Him.


Um, babe, can I tell you something?

Yeah, whats up?

Well, something happened this morning at work.

What is it?

Well, I was kinda late this morning......  (insert dark look from Ace here)

We've talked about this.     (His tone matched His look <shiver>)

I know, but wait, cuz it wasnt really my fault!

Oh, really???    (He's giving me that "yeah right" look)



I explained the whole story to Him---He was very patient and listened to everything I said. I confessed my concern about the review and how I desperately didnt want to screw it up  (I could really use that raise). After I was done, we sat quietly for a few minutes as He mulled over my confession. Finally, I couldnt take it any longer.

Are you gonna spank me for this?

Does that seem fair to you?

Well, honestly babe, no..........it wasnt my fault at all, there was nothing I could do. (the one time I could say no!)

I agree. It wasnt your fault.

So, you're not going to spank me then? 

Not for that.

Whew. Thanks babe, for understanding. Wait, what do you mean "not for that"?

I'm not mad at you and I'm not going to spank you for being late, but you are still getting a spanking.

WHAT????????? WHYYYYYY??????


He gave me His reason and I couldnt argue. The other morning, I gave Him a serious amount of attitude. I've been sick (cold/sinus stuff with body aches, headaches, and a miserable cough for 2 weeks) and that particular morning was the worst day I had. I dragged myself out of bed, just to end up collapsing on the couch. Our daughter had school that morning, and I had to get up and get her ready while Ace was doing something else. My little one was in a very contrary mood that morning and I really wasnt feeling very understanding or patient. Suffice to say, by the time I got done fighting her into clothes and fed, and got around myself , I was feeling very contrary as well! I gave Ace a very large piece of my mind (which I really cant spare by the way!) about trying to do all of this by myself while feeling like.......well I wont say what I told Him, but it wasnt good at all! He let me rant and rave for a few minutes, more or less ignoring it, and we took our daughter to school. After we came home, He gave me some space and time to cool down and we continued through the day, although the issue was never addressed.

Having had some time to think about it, I knew I could talk to Him now calmly and respectfully and express to Him just how hard that morning was. He again was kind enough to let me spill out everything that I had to say. He apologized for not understanding that day and not realizing just how rough I was feeling and how hard it had been. I apologized for not telling Him, and letting it build up until I exploded at Him instead.

After apologies were exchanged we both felt better about it, but He reminded me (gently) that I am not permitted to disrespect Him or lose my temper that way, particularly in front of our child. He is completely right, and I felt terrible for doing it. I knew I should have checked myself, but I was angry and wanted Him to know it. He told me He would make a small adjustment to the spanking I had coming, due to the fact that I have been struggling physically lately, but I could still count on being spanked for my attitude and disrespect.
This time, I had to agree. This was one I deserved and even needed. We agreed to finish watching Survivor before getting down to business. 

I had lost interest in the show, so I moved over to the computer to work on a school project. It was then that my nightmare began. I had to re-format the entire paper  I was working on, numerous times (the program was being a pain in the ass) and I was quickly getting frustrated. Just when I thought I had it saved and done, I recieved an error message. <sigh> Stupid computer. So I closed the program and tried to re-open it. The only problem was, my paper was GONE! Capital G-O-N-E, its gone! Oy!

This assignment is something I am supposed to do every week for the whole semester, so that paper represents 8 weeks worth of work, down the drain. I lost it. I had a complete and total meltdown. Ace, being better with computers that I am, tried everything He could to get it back. Nothing. I became seriously engaged in trying to retrieve that paper, and knowing how important it was, Ace postponed my spanking so I could keep working on it.

 I stayed up last night until almost 2 a.m. and went back to it at 8 this morning (I'm exhausted!) I havent gotten it back and if I dont I have to decide if I have enough time to re-do it. This would require 14 weeks worth of work for me over the next 5 weeks.......yikes. I'm not sure if I can do it.

*UPDATE* I wrote the above this morning while waiting for a file recovery program to work. It didnt. But, I was able to get the text back from the assignment by opening it with a very outdated program---all I have to do is retype/ format what I had and do the rest of the assignment (I am gonna try to do it early) and then find some way of converting the file into something readable by my professor. Alot of work, but a heck of a lot less than typing the whole thing again. So thankful I got some of it back! :) I still have to face the music with Ace tonight---not looking forward to it, but at least it will be over. Hopefully, it will help me remember to curb my temper and be more respectful.

A Special Day

Today is a wonderful day. Seven years ago today, I laid eyes on my Ace for the first time. I dont believe in love at first sight, never have-----but I have absolutely no idea how else to describe it. We met for just a few minutes (He was on His way to a concert with His bestie at the time, a local superstar that He did sound mixing for) but He knew my mom before He knew me, so a few hours later He called and we met up at a restaurant. We had a lovely time that night. The next day, He called again and we made plans to go out (Ace and I, His bestie, a friend, and my sister) as a group to see a movie. By now, the attraction was obvious, and while Ace and I were floating around in our own little world, everyone else was aiding and abaiting the matchmaking. We ended up sitting next to each other----half way through the movie, His hand brushed mine and I remember looking over at Him to see if it was accidental or.......... :) 

It wasnt accidental. He played around for a few more minutes, brushing my hand lightly with His, watching me out of the corner of His eye while trying to look like He was watching the movie. The movie was winding down (I have no idea what it was about) when He finally moved His hand and laced His fingers through mine. I cant find an appropriate way to describe how I felt after that. Happy, elated, floating on a cloud.........yeah all that, and a thousand other things too.

We went to eat again, and spent some time getting to know each other more. It was then that I decided to move where Ace was. Up until then, I had live 6 hours away and had only come with my sister for a visit to the area, but I knew this was where I needed to be. Saying goodbye to Him was the hardest thing I had ever done, but thankfully it was only for a day. I rushed back "home", packed everything, and was back to Ace in a little more than a day. We continued dating, spent holidays together, and even took a trip to California together. It was when we returned from that trip that we decided to get married.

Now, most people dont rush something like this. I never intended to marry as young as I did and I never would have dreamed it would have happened as it did. We met at the end of October, were engaged in May, and married in August. WHEW!!!!

I always tell people that we moved rather quickly through the early stages of our relationship but a friend actually told me "No, you moved naturally". I've thought about that alot, and I really like that way of looking at it. We were crazy for each other, and we followed our hearts through the natural (and quick!) progression.

I am so thankful for my Ace. Its days like today that make me realize just how much I need Him. I had lost everything I thought was important to me just before I met Him. I had nothing to live for and no reason to remain on this earth. My plans were made, and I was saying goodbye. And then I was handed a reason to pause, think, and decide. I decided I wanted to live. I was young and naive, and wasnt seeing the long term picture until I met Him. And suddenly, I could see myself as His wife, our child's mother. I could see a man who was opening His heart to me, who wanted to love me unconditionally and forever.  I wanted that more than anything and so did He. Ace showed me how to love again, how to care, how to let go of the past and grab onto the future with Him. I love Him more than I could ever say and I am so thankful to be His wife.

Dr. Pepper

So, we were watching the baseball game tonight when a commercial came on t.v. for a new Dr. Pepper that has only 10 calories. The commercial was very "macho" and played off the Terminator/ Indiana Jones theme. I am someone who normally rolls my eyes at displays like this. I very truly believe that men and women should be treated the same and have the same opportunities (including wages!!) I submit to my husband willingly and try to maintain a level of deference for men in general (I am not always successful, but I do try to be respectful and if I cant be that, then I try to at least be silent). However, this position in no way means I am a pushover or a doormat to be stomped across. Respect is a two way street. While I submit to Ace, He does not demean me or put me down and that is a very important aspect to our relationship.

Anywho, back to the commercial. As I said, this is something I might mutter a comment about---something along the lines of "sexist, chauvanistic bullcrap". I didnt tonight--both Ace and His little brother were sitting in the room, as well as my daughter, so I bit my tongue. And then........oh lordy, folks........and then, they went and said it. The slogan at the end of the new Dr Pepper commercial:

"ITS NOT FOR WOMEN"

I tell you what.......not only did I react, but BOTH my Husband and His brother jumped all over that. The first to speak was my brother in law who  commented on how very sexist and disgusting that was---this from a 21 year old! THANK GOODNESS THERE ARE MEN LIKE THIS IN THE WORLD!

This prompted alot of discussion between Ace and I, none of it even remotely supporting this ad in any way. Let me just  say, I am SO SO SO THANKFUL for a husband  like Ace. Not only does He love me, but He shares my view of women as a whole and has genuine respect for those in His life and for women in general. He said alot of things in support of women tonight that just melted my heart and made me fall in  love with Him all over. I am so lucky to have such a caring, sensitive man in my life. We talked about this quite a bit and He shared with me how the message of this advertisement is something He hopes our daughter will never believe-----we have always believed in the idea of pushing her to recognize her own "awesomeness", whether that means as a dancer, construction worker, teacher, police officer, or whatever she decides. I believe that is true for everyone---the potential to be awesome (or as I usually say "awesomely amazing") rests in each individual. Its not our job to dictate roles---its our job (particularly with our children) to recognize the unique potential that rests in each soul (which dont have a gender by the way, but thats a different discussion!) and do everything we can to fuel that potential and see that is is realized.

Ok, this is turning into a rant.......sorry! :) I am truly thankful for my Ace and for men who are willing to stand up and show their support for women.

P.S. Please join me in boycotting this brand and other products made by its parent company (7-up) until they remove/apologize for this advertisement. This is just degrading and disgusting and there is no excuse for it whatsoever.

Last night.....

Ok, so I am not going to go into details here about the little thing that started all of this----it was a stupid, silly, little thing that I overlooked and He held me accountable for. And as much as it hurt, I'm glad I have that from Him. I desperately need someone to be accountable to......He is stepping into that role.

So, just that small thing.......no big deal. Except..........I have this one little thing that was bothering me. It's called a conscience and doggone it, the darn thing works overtime on me. (I was just reading A loves Z, and I can completely relate to what Ashley was saying! We've lived the same thing this week with those nagging little voices!)

I honestly didn't think what I did was all that bad. We were sitting together on the couch, discussing the other incident when I found myself blurting out something much bigger.

That particular day, we had an issue come up at the house that required His presence to deal with. Normally, we go to our daughter's school to have lunch with her, but this was one day that Ace told me to go alone as He needed to stay at home. And so, I went and spent some time with my daughter and then came home. Later, we were headed out the door to run a few errands before picking our daughter up from school. Ace took advantage of the privacy afforded us in the garage and gave me a few hard swats, after which I jumped into the driver's seat. We ran about town and finished all of the things we needed to do and then went to the school a few minutes early.

This is where I had my second "oh crap" moment. It was at this time that I realized I had been driving both times without my driver's license on me. I really never even thought about it until that moment. Normally I keep it in the bag I carry with me to work so I have it on me when I am driving back and forth. It never occurred to me to take it with me yesterday. I already knew Ace was driving home, and we were in public, so I tried to swallow down the "oh crap" feeling and move on. After all, nothing had happened and even if I would have been stopped, I have a clean record and the police in this town know our family (because Ace's dad works in the ER at the hospital so he has had to conduct business with them all at times and he is friends with a few of them otherwise) so I am pretty sure I would have gotten a warning at the worst. So, no harm done..........right???

Yeah, nope. No such luck. It was just killing me for the rest of the day. I already was preoccupied with the coming session, and I knew this wasn't something I was gonna be able to keep to myself. Nothing happened, but it could have and it could have cost me a ticket.

Fast forward to the evening. We were sitting together on the couch, discussing the other incident. There was a break in the conversation where neither of us was speaking---He was engrossed in the ball game and I was being hammered by my conscience and the anxiety of what was coming. And then, I found myself telling Him that I had something I needed to tell Him. He asked if it was something to do with the previous incident and I told Him no, it was something He didn't know about yet. Suffice to say, baseball no longer existed at that moment.

He encouraged me to tell Him and listened carefully. I had absolutely no idea how He was going to react, but I was not expecting the reaction I got at all!!!!

Have you ever heard the term "righteous anger"? My grandma used to use that all the time. She also used to call it getting quietly angry. And let me tell you, quiet anger is much MUCH scarier than loud anger. That smoldering look..........<shiver>   He was angry, and it honestly scared me because this man has the patience of a saint and never gets this way with me. I have seen Him close, but never actually to this point.

To be honest, I was more than a little confused and surprised. It didn't seem like that terrible of a thing to me. What I didn't realize is that His mindset had gone to a whole different place. I would find this out later.

The issue was no longer about the smaller incident or even the plain fact of driving without a license. His big issue with me became........responsibility. He was angry that I knew better than these things and yet I had done them anyway with little or no thought. <gulp>

I couldn't argue. He was right, and I knew it. And of course, by this time, before the scolding and spanking even started I was feeling very small and chastised. I knew better.

And so, He decided things are going to change. Before He spanked me, I was informed that a few things are going to become rules for me. The first involves taking responsibility around the house (stemming from the smaller incident earlier) and I am never, ever to be in a car---even passenger---without my license.

This is a very big change for us. Ace has never, ever set down rules for me. And there has never really been any accountability for things like this specifically. I'm not exactly sure whats next for us, but this is definitely something I need. My parents set very specific rules for me and my siblings and we were held to them. As much as I hated it then, I can recognize now that I badly need that that structure and someone to answer to.

And then, the hardest part. This was a real discipline spanking. It changed my headspace completely----I was feeling very nervous and humbled by the control He had taken over me. There was no warm-up and no sympathy. He spanked me very hard with His hand and the silver hairbrush. I am sure this was the hardest spanking I have ever had for two reasons. First, He has never been truly angry with me when He has spanked me before, and I could feel the difference in His tone and His hand. Second, although there was little to no marking afterwards (none today) after He stopped, I had intense pain in my hips that brought me to tears.

Ace never strikes me on my hips-----its my most sensitive area and it is one thing I have asked Him never to do with me. He has always honored that---even on this night when He was quite upset with me. So for the record, it was not because He had spanked me there. I had taken more hard strokes with the brush than ever before and I think that pain just spread and registered differently. That pain, combined with having confessed to Him and been punished, was what brought me to tears.

To be honest, there wasn't a whole lot of comfort afterwards (not that I deserved any). He was concerned about the pain I was feeling and the difficulty I had with moving, but it was late and He had work to do, so He more or less left me to think about what had happened and gather myself. I tried to get a few things done, but was having a really hard time moving around, so after about fifteen minutes I gave up and laid down on the couch. He found me there sleeping a little while later, kissed me goodnight, and went to bed Himself.

Before you get too concerned, I am better today. I was a little stiff this morning and I could definitely still feel the effects of last night, but I am not permanently damaged or injured. I learned a hard lesson, and it's not one I am likely to forget soon.

Tonight

So, I was sitting here minding my own business when Ace came in. He sat beside me and we talked for a few minutes about nothing in particular. Then out of nowhere :

"You're getting a spanking tonight."

WHAAAAA???? WHOOOOO, MEEEEEEE???????

"But........babe, why? What did I do?" I was concerned initially, but looking at Him I could see He wasn't angry and I couldn't think of anything I had done that was too serious.

He gave His reason for it..............and................I guess, its true, I deserve it. Something I didn't do that I was supposed to. I dropped my eyes to the floor and whispered an apology. He pulled me into a hug and told me it's ok, we will take care of it tonight.

< sigh >

I'm getting spanked tonight.

Brat Part 3......The Conclusion

(Check out parts 1 & 2 for the whole story!)

Well, I knew I had it coming. I also knew He was still carrying the mood of the day and it wasn't going to be a serious session. He led me into the bedroom and pointed to my customary starting postion---standing at the headboard. He spanked me there for a few minutes then had me lay down on the bed and began to alternate with His hands and the silver hairbrush.

The baseball game was on (a major distraction) and at one point He cursed a few times, punctuating each word with a crack by the brush. After three, I stated that the problem with the ball game wasn't my fault and I didn't do it. He muttered something about me being in the wrong place at the wrong time and continued to spank away.   :)

After almost an hour, He announced that it was time to start the "hard ones" (the heavy handed swats that usually end our sessions) and that I would be getting 100. (oy!) He again alternated between His hand and the hairbrush and by 50 I was very close to tears. He could tell I was struggling with it (because I didn't struggle or move and was trying to stay quiet), so He stopped for a few minutes and massaged my shoulders and back. When I was calm, He continued up to 90, then stopped again. And this is where the fourth thing comes into play. Remember in the last post, I mentioned the four things that had happened and how this one was both serious and scary??

Ace and I were driving through town after dropping my  daughter off at school one morning. We were headed down the main street in town and we caught the red light at the only traffic light that is downtown at all. Ace slowed down, stopped, and we sat there for a minute. But then, He turned to say something to me and without thinking about it, began to drive forward through the intersection. At that exact moment, a huge car was approaching from the street on the right (my side of the car) and the driver hit his brakes just in time to miss slamming into our passenger side (and hence, me) by only inches.

After realizing we weren't hit, the only thing I could think of was to ask Ace if He was ok. I was worried something had happened to Him, because He never would have done something like that. He responded that He was fine, He hadn't blacked out or anything, He just wasn't thinking when He turned to me and took His foot off the brake. As scary as it was for a minute, I was very thankful He was ok and nothing serious had caused it. And as much as I wanted to, I bit down on my tongue and didn't chide Him for it. It was an accident after all and I knew He felt bad about it.

So, back to tonight. We had been talking about that for a minute earlier in the day, and I reassured Him that it was alright and just an accident, and thank goodness no one was hurt. I could tell He was still a bit bummed about it though, so I built up some courage and blurted out:

"You ought to be spanked for doing that, you know". (oh my lord, what did I just say?!?!?). His head snapped up, and I could tell He was thinking about what He had just heard. I held my breath----I had absolutely no idea how He was going to react to that. He mulled it over for a minute, and then just shrugged and I figured it was forgotten.

And then tonight, just before He gave me the last 10, the subject came up again. I asked Him what He would have done if that would have been me and He assured me that I didnt want to know (yikes). I could tell He was working on the idea, so I gave Him a few minutes to sort it through in His mind and decide what to say. He finally asked me what I thought would be a fair punishment. (insert mind spinning shock here).

Well, I had been royally spanked so far and still had more coming to me, not to mention He was sitting beside me turning the silver brush over in His hands. I needed less than a second to come up with my answer:

"I dont know, I'm no Top" I said dismissively and then I turned away, waiting for Him to finish the last 10.

When He didnt start up, I looked back at Him and found Him smiling at me, with a look that's hard to describe.

"What?" I asked.

"That was the perfect answer" I could tell that had pleased Him. I hadn't put any thought into that response really, it was more or less a reflex, but as I thought about it I could see what He meant. I had left it in His hands---I would never want to decide something like that for Him or anyone else---and He appreciated me staying in my role and not taking the opportunity to be Toppy with Him when I could have been.

He finished the final ten for me (owie) and then, believe it or not, He set a number for Himself and allowed me to spank Him. It was not enjoyable, at all! He agreed to a total of six, four with my hand and two with the brush and I delivered them softly and with quite a bit of encouragement (and a small bit of lecturing) in between. I was relieved when it was over---I don't think I ever want to do that again.

During this time, He had been thinking, and reminded me of a time years ago, when I hadn't exactly followed traffic rules. Well, fair is fair. I had spanked Him for it and deserved the same as He had taken. He disagreed. Stating the fact that He was a Top and therefore was subject to less than I am as a bottom (what a lovely excuse) He decided that it should be doubled for me! He also decided that since it had been a few years since the incident and I had waited so long to be punished for it, I should receive penalty strokes as well (oy). He was kind enough to suggest only two extra and I readily agreed.

"So that makes eight with my hand, and six with the brush" He stated. It took less than a second for me to catch that.

"Wait a minute.........." I started, and He laughed.

"Yes, I added the two extra to the hairbrush" (oy). I bargained with Him and got Him to split the two so I got one extra with each instead.

A few minutes later, it was over. I reached back for a quick rub, and was greeted by a few light taps of the hairbrush on my hand. That caught my attention very quickly. I laid on my side and made a comment about how much it hurt my hands (even though it was only tapping with the brush). I could see a glint come into his eye, and it certainly didnt bode well for me.

"Wait here" He got up, went out, and within minutes I could hear Him opening and closing cabinet doors. I heard His footsteps returning and when He came back into the bedroom I could see He was holding something in His hand, although I couldn't see what it was. He held it out for me.

A ruler.

He pulled me into a sitting position on the bed (not exactly comfortable, but at least it was the bed and not a chair!) He had me hold out my hand and brought the ruler down rather hard, making me jump and pull my hand away. He was surprised by my reaction.

"Did it really hurt that much?" He asked. I nodded and held out my hand for Him to see. My palm was bright red. He told me He hadn't intended to strike me that hard and I assured Him that it was ok (it looked worse than it was, although it did burn like fire). I offered Him my other hand and let Him try again. The second was lighter than the first, and He followed it up with another before I could pull away. We continued alternating hands for a few more strokes, then He informed me I would be getting three more hard ones on each hand.

He started with my right hand. He had me extend my hand and He held my wrist so I couldnt pull away. He gave me the first one, bringing the ruler down hard again and my hand immediately closed into a fist. He spoke to me quietly and opened my hand. As He raised the ruler again, I stopped Him and asked if we could alternate hands and He agreed. After the first four, my hands were burning and I was having a difficult time accepting more. He allowed me a few minutes to gather myself and I took the last two. It was over.

Over all, it had been quite a day. By the time we were done, it was rather late and we were both tired. It was a good experience though and I am glad we seem to be getting back to where we were.

Brat Part 2

So by now, we had been having a really good time together. The day had become a regular comedy of errors which we incorporated into the fun we were having. Four things happened that I teased Him for being responsible for--three were entirely out of His control and designed only to make Him laugh and keep the fun going.

1. The checkout at the grocery store completely shut down on us after we rang up all of the groceries and it took a good twenty minutes to get it all sorted out. Since He was using it, it was naturally His fault! : P
2. We went to lunch and the waitress messed up both of our orders! :P (Even though I was teasing Him about this, I do love it when He orders for me--it makes me feel so submissive)
3. Ok, this one's a bit silly. I was making a face at Him as we went out to the car and tripped in the garage (graceful, that's me! :P). Being the garage (man territory) it was, of course, His fault for stacking those things right there where I would naturally trip over them.......right? lol :)
4. This one I will save and explain in a few minutes---this was something serious / scary that really did happen a few days ago........I'll explain in a bit.

So anywho, I was teasing Him about these things and He was playing along.........at least, He was then. When we got home, we found that we had an opportunity to have the house to ourselves and He decided to use it! He informed me I was getting "the first part" of a spanking for being a brat ( the first part.......I dont like the sound of that!!). He marched me quickly into the bedroom, bent me over the bed and began spanking me very hard with His hands (no warmup, sheesh!!!). After a few dozen, He stopped and I stood up, assuming we were done. He pushed me back down, and I heard the closet door open and close (insert oh crap feeling here). I looked back at Him just in time to catch a glimpse of silver as He cracked me hard with the hairbrush. He gave me a least a dozen (no, I didn't count) before finally letting me up.

I tell you what folks, after a few weeks of non-activity, that HURT!!!!!!!! He soothed me for a few minutes then lifted my chin and looked into my eyes.

"Are you going to start behaving now??" He asked.

" Oh, I highly doubt it, Love" I grinned.

"Yeah, I figured as much" He laughed.

Fast forward to tonight. Our daughter is asleep and the house is quiet. Ace has just informed me that I will be receiving the other half of my spanking for being a brat.....yikes! I went weeks without it, and now somehow I've managed to earn two in just one day! Oy! I'll let you know the conclusion in Part 3! :)

Brat Part 1

So, not much activity here for awhile. Not much activity in general, actually.

I kinda went nuts for a few days. That happens sometimes. Its been a long time since the last time, but it hasn't gotten any easier. I just completely lost it. I began to doubt everyone and everything. I seriously considered leaving(in more ways than one). I just felt completely lost. Demons from my past recognized their opportunity and swooped in for the kill. They break off a little chunk of my soul each time---I don't know how much is left for sure.

Obviously, what had been routine activity for us completely stopped. Ace was confused and hurt and well, I think I even scared Him. There were a few times I wasn't real sure if He was gonna kill me, commit me, or run away. I didn't want anything to stop and I thought I was being relatively clear about that point, but in reality I was being vague and edgy, laughing one minute and bawling the next, angry that everything seemed to be changing and none of it was my idea. Angry and hurt about things that happened years ago that I can't change and should be over by now. I'm not. They still hurt. I'm not exactly sure how to dismiss those things. Until I learn, my strategy continues--- bottle it up, hold it down for as many years as I can (made it 7 this time) then let it explode, lose it all and start over. That's not fair. To me or to Him. I know it, but I also know there's not a stinking thing I can do about it. I hate that.

I want so much to be submissive, to be a good wife for Him. Falling apart and scaring the crap out of Him in general prolly isn't the best way to go about it. I wish I knew what to do.

We finally had it out, He and I. He had enough of my silent sulking and asked to speak to me. He had asked before and I did the standard "everything's great, no problem..........we have _______ we need to get done" to avert attention. When He finally had enough, He demanded that we talk, the first attempt sitting on the couch with mostly Him talking and me clamming up (my standard mode of defense). After trying unsuccessfully to get me talking, He took my hand and asked to speak with me in the bedroom. That froze me for a second and I became suspicious. He assured me it was to talk only and so I followed Him. It took awhile, but He eventually got me talking and once I started, everything rushed out. He listened, consoled me and gave me some good advice.

I was feeling a bit nervous towards the end of our talk. I knew I had been a royal pain to live with for a few days and was fully expecting that to be addressed. I had calmed down and cleared my head (and my heart) and was mentally reviewing the past few days and what the consequences would be. <shiver>

He didn't spank me though. He didn't even punish me (as much as I deserved it). He gave me a firm lecture about not building up walls and hiding behind them, angry and depressed and about learning to talk to Him before losing my mind, instead of trying to explain it after.

I've been feeling much better since then. I think I just needed alot of reassurance about alot of things and to share things that have been hurting me since I was a chikl and feel like someone might actually help me get past it. He didn't realize I had so many things bottled up and confessed feeling guilty about it, which in turn made me feel guilty---I was not intending to make Him feel that way. There was no way He could ever have known those things were there without me telling Him, and I made sure He understood that.

As I said, I have been feeling much better since then and I know this has been a relief for Ace as well (bless the man for His patience!!). He's been taking His time with me---as much as I want to get back into our routines, He wants to make sure I'm completely well (and sane) before we move on. He's given me a few random swats here and there, but up until today I couldnt remember the last time I was really spanked. Its been weeks!

We were in the grocery store today, and I decided to play around with Him a bit. We needed to get back the fun we had been missing. I started messing around, trying to step on the backs of His feet, steering the shopping cart into things, and poking Him in the ribs when He was talking to hear the funny squeak His voice makes :) He was laughing at my silliness and playing at being Toppy with me (all with a huge grin). At one point, He gave me an almighty smack, and although we were the only ones in that particular aisle, we were not alone in the store by any means and I am quite sure someone heard it. I was shocked. I stood there, mouth open, staring at Him, wondering if He had lost His mind. We were in public, for goodness sakes!! :)  :)

"I cant believe you just did that" I whispered.

"Well, you should. You've been being a brat all morning!" (no attempt at whispering here, that was full voice)

WHOA! Thats the first time Ace has ever, ever, EVER called me a brat! :)

We both smiled and continued on our way. I kept up my antics as we made our way through the store, making Him laugh. We were both having a good time. At one point, He took me by the arm and moved me over to the side of the shopping cart.

"If you dont stop this nonsense, I'm gonna spank you right here and now!"  (um....yeah....oy, eek, and omg!)

My jaw dropped right to the floor and I stared at Him in complete shock. He just smiled at me, and I swear I think He really wanted to do it. I was feeling more than a little playful by now, so I bent over the side of the cart just a little, looked Him right in the eyes and said :

"I dare you."

It was His turn to look surprised! He raised His hand and warned that any more acting up from me and He really would. I tensed, waiting for Him to bring His hand down, but instead He just smiled and moved me off the cart so we could finish shopping. (bummer!) ; )

I'll continue in Part 2----it gets even better, keep reading! :)

My favorite quote

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt".

I've been thinking about that alot--especially these last couple of days. Its so easy to forget the power of words--to say something casual or in passing, without stopping to think about the cost to others. In my sociology class, we've been studying how each one of us affects the other--and how many people we rely on each day just to survive. That really made me stop and think about my day to day interactions--how I speak and act towards others. I've never been good at communication. My mouth always seems to get me into trouble--I'm trying really hard to curb that. My sister came for a visit this last week and I was quite surprised by the interactions between her and her husband. I can see alot of what I used to be and how I used to behave there. Unfortunately I can also still see alot of it present in me. Until now, I havent been taking enough time to analyze the things I say for potential problems before saying them. On that note, if I've offended, even slightly, I apologize--if not, I swear I'll try not to. I know this problem isnt exclusively mine---its just something I've been thinking about and need to work on.

His Hands

As promised, I'm posting today about my changed view regarding Ace's hands and a funny little conversation we had about it. This actually happened awhile ago, but after last night my view has definitely changed! His hands used to be a relief for me--they were my implement of choice. But sometime over the last two weeks, He had His hands replaced with steel! Yikes! Dont get me wrong, I still love His hands, no matter how hard He can use them. There is something comforting about being spanked with His hands--even when its harder than other implements, it inevitably calms me. Ace knows this. When He is using other implements, He always seems to know exactly when I need Him to stop and "take a break" using His hands. This used to be a great relief for me, as His hands were very soft and much gentler than anything else. As I said, that has changed but His hands still have that same effect on me. Its different and yet the same.

We were having a playful discussion one night a few weeks ago. We were laying in bed talking and teasing back and forth a bit, when He (rather suddenly) flipped me over and began to smack my bottom extremely hard with His hands. After just a few I rolled onto my side for a quick rub and gave Him an appraising glance.

"Good grief, when did you learn to hit so hard with your hands???" I asked. He just grinned and shrugged as He reached for me again.

"Wait.......hold on a second......" I said "Why do I get the feeling...... you're starting to like this" (the last part came out more as a statement than a question).

His grin TRIPLED in size!

"Oy, I've created a monster!" I laughed as He pulled me to Him and started again.  Mary Shelley, eat your heart out!!

Caught!

Its way past bedtime for me but I wanted to share this tonight.  It was a lazy sort of day today--not much going on. Ace had been stuck in front of a video game(zombie something......ewws) for a fair part of the day. After dinner, our daughter had gone outside with her aunt and Ace and I were alone in the house(besides his grandmother, who is thankfully *mostly* deaf). Not wanting the opportunity to pass us by, I decided I was going to get Ace's attention. HA! After about ten minutes---and being swatted out from in front of the telly a few times, I finally gave up and headed outside---with Ace's promise that He would be out in a few minutes. I slipped on some shoes and headed outside----I made it less than ten feet when I heard an almighty crack and my bottom exploded! I wheeled around to a very amused Ace.

"Are you bloody crazy???" I asked "The neighbors will hear!!!" (Not to mention that my sister in law was right across the lawn with our daughter who definitely doesnt need to know about this!!!)

"Hey, you wanted attention......" He said "You've got it!"  (oy!!!) He just laughed and we continued on our way(with two more powerful swats along the way). We live next door to his parents/siblings so we have alot of space between the two yards and an extra lot on the other side of his parents(which we plan to leave undeveloped and open). We were met halfway to his parents(where his sister and littles were playing in the front yard) by two of the three dogs his parents have, jumping around and eager to play. We took them around to the back of the house and Ace went inside to get their toys. Seeing another opportunity, I quickly followed Him into the house, knowing that His mother was working late tonight and His dad had probably gone to get her from work. I threw Ace a mischievious smile as I came in.

"I dont suppose we're...........alone???" I grinned and bent over the nearest counter top.

I wish I knew how to describe the look on His face at that moment. :) He quickly walked around behind me and delivered two strong, stinging smacks to my bottom. Lovely, right?? :)  Except.............

Less than ten seconds later, we heard a door at the end of the hallway open.

I dont think we could have gotten out of that house any faster if we had flown!!! We exited out the back door and Ace took up playing fetch with the dogs while I tried to make myself comfortable on the porch swing without squirming. A minute later, His dad walked out on the porch.

"Evenin'" he said. I just smiled and nodded without meeting his gaze. The men talked for a few minutes and then Dad announced he was going to pick up Mom from work.

"We'll be back in a few minutes" Dad said, placing emphasis on the end of his statement. I looked over briefly and he was giving me a very pointed look before going back into the house. Believe me, those were a few minutes we didnt even think about using!!!!

And so, in less than a week's time, I have had both His mother and father find out about this thing we do. I ought to feel embarrassed about that I suppose but for whatever reason I dont.  It was akward today with His dad, but somehow I dont really care that he knows. I guess I am changing in that respect. I'm not going to go shouting it from the rooftops or anything but if people find out...........well, it is what it is. We cant hide forever.

I had more to post tonight but its very late and I work tomorrow so I'll finish the other part of this(regarding my new view on His hand as an implement) soon. I also hinted at another topic in my last post, so that story is coming up soon as well. Thanks to all of you for reading and commenting!

A Message

I was sitting in the couch with my daughter watching a Disney movie. She fell asleep very close to the end so I left it on the same channel in case she should wake up. This particular channel, later in the evenings, always shows certain religious programs which I normally do not watch. This particular night however, Joel Osteen came on---having been raised in a very strict Bible Baptist home, I was familiar with this speaker. This progam was his Inspiration Night for this year and from the start I found myself captivated by his words. He spoke of recognizing oneself and being willing to accept and use the gifts we are given each day to their  maximum potential. As I said, normally I wouldnt have bothered to  listen, but something about that message, and other things he said, rang true for me and were things I needed to hear. Towards the end of that program, I moved to the computer to check email and other daily things-again without bothering to change the channel. Not long after, another program came on, this time with an unfamiliar speaker by the name of Ed Young. I once again found myself captivated as he spoke of the Poor Boy (or girl) Syndrome---a pattern of thinking a person gets stuck in where all they can think about or focus on is what they dont have, rather than being thankful and exploiting the things they do have. That hit me like a ton of bricks. This is exactly where my mind and attitude have been lately. I've been working on changing my attitude---I've bitten back angry retorts and sarcastic comments to respond instead with humility and I am trying very hard to be thankful and to show it this last week. But these messages were much needed reminders that I can and should be doing better.

I'm looking back on this past week and recognizing times I could have done better--things I shouldnt have said or could have said differently. I am also looking at the few times I did do better and being thankful that I responded appropriately and in a way I could be proud of. I'm recognizing that with a little more effort, the potential exists for me to become exactly what I said I want to be.

Review Part 2

We had a discussion tonight regarding my behavior over the last few weeks.

Well, actually, the "discussion" consisted of Him pointing to the bedroom and me (very meekly) following.

I knew this was coming--He had been hinting at it today and even gave me a few (hard) swats earlier in the day(in hearing distance of family members, no less!! <blush>).

When I entered the room, I saw just two things: our hairbrushes.

"Oh, babe........both hairbrushes?" He didnt answer but pointed to the end of the room and I took my place.

He started me out standing, holding on to the curled side of our gorgeous headboard (both it and the footboard are made for this by the way......we *may* have tried them out in the furniture store.....but thats another story).

He began a pattern of hand, wood brush, then silver brush and repeated it until I began to squirm. He then had me lay across the bed and began the real spanking, alternating hairbrushes but favoring the much heavier silver one. I tried to lay very still and fought the urge to move/resist(I earned it after all). Just after the halfway point, my tears began and I felt my body relax (I've heard it called sub-space, call it whatever) as I gave up all urge to fight, to move, to even breathe. After a few more strokes, Ace noticed the change and stopped to rub my back and soothe me for a few moments, bringing me back to reality. He gave me a few very hard strokes with the silver, then announced I was getting two more, which I took without a sound.

But I knew that wasnt enough. I was hurting---more than I ever have---but it was no where near enough.

And so, after a few moments wrapped up in His arms, I quietly asked for more.

"Are you sure?" His face was full of concern. I nodded and reluctantly moved out of His arms. He picked up the wood hairbrush...........

"No, please............not that one. Use the silver one, please?" His eyebrows shot to the roof.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"Yes Sir, I'm sure" I laid across the bed and turned my face away as He began again.

I tried to be very good (I had asked for it after all) but after a few very hard strokes, my body betrayed me and I began to  move. Ace sat beside me and put His arm across my back, pressing down gently to hold me still as He brought me back to tears. After a few more, He told me it was time the silver left something to remember and announced He was giving me three more, very hard strokes that He was sure would leave a mark. He delivered the first two slowly, allowing me time in between each one. I confessed to Him that I didnt think I could take anymore tonight, but after some soothing and gentle encouragement, I accepted the last stroke.........the hardest I have ever had with any implement. EVER.

And so, I'm feeling less ashamed and not quite so guilty about my behavior, right?

Wrong. If anything I feel somehow....... worse. No, not because of the physical spanking, but because it took that much to bring me back to a place I never should have left. How could I possibly feel better about that?

Review

Going back and looking at the earliest posts I have here and elsewhere, I am seeing a definite change in myself. That change has not been for the better. I've moved an unfortunately long way from what I want to be--the last few weeks especially. I've been petulant, cranky, and controling. This is not what I want to be, nor is it acceptable behavior to display for my child. The situations I've been handed have not been easy--still, there was an opportunity for me to accept them with grace and humility, to choose quiet strength instead of loud complaints.  I wish I could say I have done just that. Unfortunately, all I can say is that I am feeling guilty and more than a little ashamed.

I spent some time outside today---just sitting quietly in reflection. I spent some time just being thankful.

I am so very thankful for my Ace. He is everything to me and His love is overwhelming. My behavior (yes, even towards Him) has been bordering on deplorable this last week. He weathered the storm of my whining and complaints with patience and love, offering me comfort and compassion during my worst moments. I am so very grateful and lucky to have Him in my life.

I am so very thankful for my daughter--my angel, who makes me laugh and is always ready with hugs and kisses to fix "mommy's boo boo's". She inspires me, and I want to teach her kindness and respect, not anger and frustration (no matter what's going on in my life). She is my daily reminder to do better.

I am thankful for friends here that take time out of their day to read and even comment on this (silly little) blog. I'm thankful for friends and family who are supportive and understanding--and when that doesnt work, care enough about me to either try to take my mind away from daily things or call me out and give me a good wake up  call.

So yes, I'm thankful for the one person, a simple comment, that brought me to this point. It was a difficult to hear and even harder to reflect and recognize what I've become. It was hard to hear, but it was a much needed wakeup call. I've done alot of thinking and I am going to make a conscious effort to get back to myself and who I want to be----a loving, submissive and grateful wife, mother, amd friend.