Brat Part 1

So, not much activity here for awhile. Not much activity in general, actually.

I kinda went nuts for a few days. That happens sometimes. Its been a long time since the last time, but it hasn't gotten any easier. I just completely lost it. I began to doubt everyone and everything. I seriously considered leaving(in more ways than one). I just felt completely lost. Demons from my past recognized their opportunity and swooped in for the kill. They break off a little chunk of my soul each time---I don't know how much is left for sure.

Obviously, what had been routine activity for us completely stopped. Ace was confused and hurt and well, I think I even scared Him. There were a few times I wasn't real sure if He was gonna kill me, commit me, or run away. I didn't want anything to stop and I thought I was being relatively clear about that point, but in reality I was being vague and edgy, laughing one minute and bawling the next, angry that everything seemed to be changing and none of it was my idea. Angry and hurt about things that happened years ago that I can't change and should be over by now. I'm not. They still hurt. I'm not exactly sure how to dismiss those things. Until I learn, my strategy continues--- bottle it up, hold it down for as many years as I can (made it 7 this time) then let it explode, lose it all and start over. That's not fair. To me or to Him. I know it, but I also know there's not a stinking thing I can do about it. I hate that.

I want so much to be submissive, to be a good wife for Him. Falling apart and scaring the crap out of Him in general prolly isn't the best way to go about it. I wish I knew what to do.

We finally had it out, He and I. He had enough of my silent sulking and asked to speak to me. He had asked before and I did the standard "everything's great, no problem..........we have _______ we need to get done" to avert attention. When He finally had enough, He demanded that we talk, the first attempt sitting on the couch with mostly Him talking and me clamming up (my standard mode of defense). After trying unsuccessfully to get me talking, He took my hand and asked to speak with me in the bedroom. That froze me for a second and I became suspicious. He assured me it was to talk only and so I followed Him. It took awhile, but He eventually got me talking and once I started, everything rushed out. He listened, consoled me and gave me some good advice.

I was feeling a bit nervous towards the end of our talk. I knew I had been a royal pain to live with for a few days and was fully expecting that to be addressed. I had calmed down and cleared my head (and my heart) and was mentally reviewing the past few days and what the consequences would be. <shiver>

He didn't spank me though. He didn't even punish me (as much as I deserved it). He gave me a firm lecture about not building up walls and hiding behind them, angry and depressed and about learning to talk to Him before losing my mind, instead of trying to explain it after.

I've been feeling much better since then. I think I just needed alot of reassurance about alot of things and to share things that have been hurting me since I was a chikl and feel like someone might actually help me get past it. He didn't realize I had so many things bottled up and confessed feeling guilty about it, which in turn made me feel guilty---I was not intending to make Him feel that way. There was no way He could ever have known those things were there without me telling Him, and I made sure He understood that.

As I said, I have been feeling much better since then and I know this has been a relief for Ace as well (bless the man for His patience!!). He's been taking His time with me---as much as I want to get back into our routines, He wants to make sure I'm completely well (and sane) before we move on. He's given me a few random swats here and there, but up until today I couldnt remember the last time I was really spanked. Its been weeks!

We were in the grocery store today, and I decided to play around with Him a bit. We needed to get back the fun we had been missing. I started messing around, trying to step on the backs of His feet, steering the shopping cart into things, and poking Him in the ribs when He was talking to hear the funny squeak His voice makes :) He was laughing at my silliness and playing at being Toppy with me (all with a huge grin). At one point, He gave me an almighty smack, and although we were the only ones in that particular aisle, we were not alone in the store by any means and I am quite sure someone heard it. I was shocked. I stood there, mouth open, staring at Him, wondering if He had lost His mind. We were in public, for goodness sakes!! :)  :)

"I cant believe you just did that" I whispered.

"Well, you should. You've been being a brat all morning!" (no attempt at whispering here, that was full voice)

WHOA! Thats the first time Ace has ever, ever, EVER called me a brat! :)

We both smiled and continued on our way. I kept up my antics as we made our way through the store, making Him laugh. We were both having a good time. At one point, He took me by the arm and moved me over to the side of the shopping cart.

"If you dont stop this nonsense, I'm gonna spank you right here and now!"  (um....yeah....oy, eek, and omg!)

My jaw dropped right to the floor and I stared at Him in complete shock. He just smiled at me, and I swear I think He really wanted to do it. I was feeling more than a little playful by now, so I bent over the side of the cart just a little, looked Him right in the eyes and said :

"I dare you."

It was His turn to look surprised! He raised His hand and warned that any more acting up from me and He really would. I tensed, waiting for Him to bring His hand down, but instead He just smiled and moved me off the cart so we could finish shopping. (bummer!) ; )

I'll continue in Part 2----it gets even better, keep reading! :)