A threat for breakfast

Ok, so what girl/bottom doesnt love that? Ace surprised me this morning by informing me, rather casually,that He is going to spank me tonight--talk about messing with me! I havent told Him-although He has obviously learned-that I love when He threatens me like that! Its part of the process I have always enjoyed-the anticipation of knowing whats coming---in this case making me squirm and think about it all day. Its just like hearing "wait until we get home" or "we'll discuss this later", it leaves me all shivery and nervous--kinda dreading it but can hardly wait for it at the same time(does that make any sense?). I know He is not punishing me tonight-I have been behaving myself very well for a change : P  ---but He told me He feels I am overdue for a good spanking and I am not about to disagree.

He is definitely getting better at knowing how to get in my head before a spanking. But--and maybe you all can help me out with this--that part is missing when the spanking actually occurs. So, if anyone knows--how do you help a person learn to scold? Ace and I have talked about this before and He told me that He understands that scolding is part of the process but that He has no idea how to do so and that it is not something that comes naturally to Him. That is understandable--knowing Him as I do, it is clear why that is true. But it is something He would like to learn and I would love for Him to be able to---I think it would completely define the role of Top for Him and make Him feel confident in that role--knowing He can have complete control over me with just words at any time. I read the blog post by Ms Margaret Davis on this subject and I really liked what she had to say about being able to get into a person's head with just words. This is very true for me. I can be spanked black and blue and not shed a tear but a good scolding would break me apart every time. I see it as a chain kinda like this:

Confrontation/questioning > admission of guilt> First Scolding > cornertime > Removal from corner, scolded/informed why spanked >  request for spanking/positioning > Spanked-scolded throughout > cornertime(display)> Removal from corner, comfort, forgiveness

The steps are obviously Top / bottom and there are many substeps to each part but that is a general chain as I see it--the last part of that chain was missing for me as a child and I know that is why I so desparately want it know---selfish, I know and this goes against the desire for submission I have claimed to want but just once in my life I want to experience the complete chain and feel like that has been fulfilled for me. There is alot more I could say on this...maybe another post sometime............

Update(for lack of a better title) :P

So, I posted before about a stressful week--it was but it also prompted a lot of thinking for me. I came to realize just how much I love the people in my life(mainly Ace and my daughter). Losing other relationships really had me thinking about how lucky I am to have someone like Ace, who looks past all the faults(they are many) and decides to love me anyway.

Pertaining to a friendship lost this week, I have to say that I am still see-sawing about it---one part of me is really missing that person and the other part(thankfully the stronger part) reminds me to be thankful first for what I have, to know that if that friendship is meant to continue a means will present itself, and that fate has decided something better for that person(I hope) and wanting anything less than what is potentially best for everyone in his life, even if it means letting go of that relationship altogether, is selfish of me. This isn't easy to just let go--but I really feel that if its meant to remain, fate will allow it--otherwise its meant to be forgotten. And that will be very difficult to do but I have my best friend right here beside me and I am so lucky to have Him.

Ok, enough about that.

We went out for a date this weekend-I worked extra days so it was nice to have some time to spend together. Had really good conversation and unloaded alot of the stress I was feeling about my family. Went and saw a movie and then....yay......bought a new laptop. Never had one before so its kinda exciting. Best part is that it has a webcam on it so we can now use skype and video calling. If anyone is interested, shoot me an email-Ace and I would love to try it out. :) :)

Emotions

What a week this is turning out to be......I am not an emotional person--what I do feel I usually hold in me and always have, its just easier. These last 24 hours have been such a meltdown for me--I have found myself in tears three times and working on the fourth.

"D" had his employment terminated.....everyone is feeling that loss, really sorry to see him go. He was good at his job and made everyone smile. I'll miss his company. Alot.

Had an emotional scene with Ace last night.......the downward spiral(emotionally) started from there. That has been fixed but still feeling like I have no control over myself right now. Its bugging me.

Had my six month review today---good review, praise from the boss so that was a much needed bright spot. Should have had a raise but coporate held out on all of us so I wasnt the only one to miss it...sigh. Boss said maybe in September our turn for raises will come up.........whatever...........

Biggest issue for me right now involves one of my little sisters and her children. Its a long story but I may never see those babies again............hate, hate, hate how that girl can hold such power over me(and the rest of my family)--using her children to play off of us/our emotions. Its just sick.

SIGH.

My heart hurts, my head hurts, and I'm tired. I'm tired of all of this.

Dreams Parts 2&3

To keep from rambling on(and making this series an excessively long read) I'm condensing and combining the final two parts. FAIR WARNING: These two are not vanilla---but then again, what are we here for?? :)

The second dream I had occurred fairly recently. I am unsure of the circumstances of this dream. It seemed almost like I walked in about halfway through and left before the finale.

I opened a door to a blank, gray room containing only one metal folding chair, a male Top(from the afore mentioned group) and myself. It was a rather strange perception--in this case I was seeing myself from the outside, as if I were another person observing.

What I was observing was a very stern spanking in progress(with some sort of stick), myself bent over the back of the chair, while the Top scolded (alot!). I remember that His voice was very deep but I was not able(upon waking) to remember any of the words said to me nor my responses to them,although I do remember hearing my voice. This dream was rather short--I was there for a matter of minutes before my sub-conscious shifted(to what, I have no idea).

The third dream involved two complete strangers(primarily) and I am still a little creeped out by this one. I was in a house somewhere, walking from room to room. I walked into one large room that had a giant table laid out in the middle--there was just enough room around the perimeter to move. Looking towards the right, the one end of the table ran into a connecting room that looked like a kitchen. Directly in front of me was a white door with a window looking out. Behind me was a narrow hallway and to my left was a wall. The table was covered and had many items on the top of it. I am not sure how it happened, but I remember trading remarks with someone(a guy) that was there and then another guy walked into the room. At this point, I cracked a joke regarding a wooden spoon and for whatever reason, both guys began chasing me around the room. They were laughing(and I was thinking they were being silly because they were both following each other rather than going in opposite directions and blocking my path on two sides). They eventually caught up with that logic and pinned me on the kitchen side. The first guy(who was rather scary looking) then came up to me and told me to hold on to the handle on the door of the refridgerator(weird!!!!!) and started spanking me hard with the spoon. The only other thing I remember was hearing/seeing a couple come in through the door but when they saw what was happening they both turned bright red. He muttered something about "coming in at a bad time" and she said something about "returning at a later date". I called out for Ace and He was instantly beside me and we were all laughing at the vanilla couple who were practically running back out to their car.  This last dream is creepy for me because the guys were very big and scary looking and the idea that complete strangers(people I have never even talked to, much less met before) could do that is really uncomfortable. I am glad it was only a dream....no way would this ever be reality!!!!!!

Dreams Part 1

As promised, here is the first of the dreams I experience involving a wonderful group of people I have had the privledge of joining. : )  This group meets together semi-annually and spends a weekend together. This particular dream revolves around myself, Ace, and two other members of this group as we are travling to the weekend get-together. FAIR WARNING---this one is vanilla! :)

I have no idea what town we were in but I do know we had been traveling in the car and stopped at a very nice restaurant not far from our destination point. We were ushered to a booth where Ace and I sat together on one side(as we usually do). We ordered drinks and as we waited I surveyed the surroundings. I was startled to see a girl (sitting next to guy at a table not far from us) staring intently in our direction. Normally, that is a huge pet peeve for me, but the instant my eyes locked on hers it was immediately what I call a "soul collision"---I knew exactly who she was! I have always had an extremely strong sense of perception and my awareness of her identity followed through to the gentleman she was with as well (whom I was not the companion I would have expected). So far, both gentlemen remained blissfully unaware of the circumstances.

I broke out a smile and gave her an amused/questioning glance---did she know.......had she felt it? All of the sudden, her face lit up, and I knew she could tell who we were too.

She excused herself from the table and as she walked towards me, she inclined her head, indicating I should follow her. I walked into the bathroom behind her and she had her back turned to me.

"_____" I said her name and she immediately turned around and we both began talking at once.

"Thats Mr. _______ I am with out there" she said at one point.

"I know" I said "I would know you both anywhere". There was no good reason for me to say so. I have never met either one of these two personally and have only the most basic physical description of one of them. However, in my dream(and even in life), I feel as though I would indeed know them(and others among the group) should I encounter them. (Not to scare anyone or anything, its just soul connections I can feel).

We talked a bit more about the event we are both bound for, decided on a plan of action to reveal what we knew to the men we were with. I returned to my table first then watched as she walked by me slowly on the way back to hers.

I turned to Ace and quietly told Him--for whatever reason, He didn't seem to be surprised. I let it go.

I was studying my plate(I have no idea what was on it) but looking slightly up I could she the girl leaning into her companion, whispering something to him. A few moments later,  I could feel eyes burning into me. I glanced up slowly and the surprise on the face now staring at me was classic! I returned a devilish little grin and woke up laughing. :) :)

Dreams

I have recently been able to join a group of amazing people who are part of the spanking community. Since that time, I have had two interesting dreams in which members of this group appeared(though I have never met any of them personally) and another that involved complete strangers.

I plan to post what I can remember of these dreams however I have not yet decided if I should post them together as a long post or separately as shorter ones. I am leaning towards shorter.........I'll decide soon, I promise! :)

Late to Work

So, I was late for work on Saturday morning--here's the story.

I feel myself coming out of a fog to someone gently shaking me.

"Wake up!" the urgency in His voice registers from far away as I force my eyes open. I wake up confused and feeling dizzy.

"You're late!" He announces "Its quarter to four".

I jump up and reach for the clock.  It reads 3:46.      #$%^$#!!!!!!

Usually I get up at least an hour before work and go through a carefully rehearsed schedule that gradually wakes me up and prepares me for work. This morning I have no time for any of it. I get ready as quickly as possible and fly down the road to work. Needless to say, its not a good day for me. I had a very difficult time focusing and constantly felt like I was running behind--it set the mood for the whole day.

When the day is finally over, I gratefully head for home thinking of how nice a nap would be. Ace greets me as I come through the door.

"Well?" He asks.

"Well, what?" I fire back.

"How much trouble did you get into?" His arms are folded across His chest but His voice is not angry--more like curious. *Sigh* I don't want to tell Him.

"Well, "J" was pretty good about it, but........ it is going on my record..........." I trail off, hoping that would be enough.

"And?" He asks.

*Sigh*

"Well, Sir, it is my second time being late...... so that will count as a full demerit on my record" I confess. (Six full demerits=suspension, 12 full demerits=termination of employment).

"I see" I can hear the disappointment and I lower my eyes.

"I'm sorry" I whisper.

"Well, it wasnt exactly all your fault was it?" He asked gently. I am not about to answer that.

Usually we set double alarms(I have yet to meet an alarm I won't sleep through). Ace sets His for a few minutes before mine and wakes me up, allowing my alarm for a few minutes later should I start to fall back asleep. The night before, I asked Ace(as I do every night) if the alarms were set. He assured me they were. For whatever reason, I asked if He was sure they were set(something I never do). Having been reassured they were, we both went to sleep.

His question puts me in turmoil. Technically, the first alarm wasnt set and therefore didn't sound allowing us both to stay asleep. However, I know that I should be able to wake up to only one alarm, and certainly without assistance by now, and I tell Him so.

"Hmmmm.......thats a good point" He agrees. "But I also know there is no way it would happen, sleepy head" He teases. "Lets both double check the alarms from now on, alright?" His voice light and a little dismissive.

"Yes Sir" I agree. I am somewhat surprised. Even though it wasn't entirely my fault, I was still expecting to be punished. I snuggle into His arms and lay my head against His shoulder.

"Are you gonna spank me for getting that demerit?" I ask quietly.

"Do you think I should?"

Good grief--what a question!!!!!

My mind screams "absolutely not!"  but my conscience pricks at me and I find myself nodding.

"Alright then" He leads me over to the counter and positions me over it, stretching to reach across while keeping my feet on the floor. I feel Him wrap His hands around me  loosening my clothes, and blush as my bottom makes contact with the air. Looking up, I am startled to realize the blinds on the porch door are open---anyone coming down the lane could see us! I turn my face away, determined not to protest but desperately hoping no one will be coming or going that time of the morning.

"How many demerits until you get suspended?" He asks.

"Six, Sir" I respond quickly, and He rains six stinging slaps down on my bottom with His hand making me jump.

"Stand up" He orders. I obey immediately, grateful that the counter comes slightly above my waist. He pulls me away and opens up the utensil drawer I had been standing against, taking out a wicked looking spatula.

"Back over" He gently guides me back into position and I cast a quick look out the window before closing my eyes again(so far, no cars....thank goodness!).

"How many demerits until you get fired, Mae?" He asks. I cringe, not wanting to respond.

"Twelve Sir" I answer quietly.

He takes His time, pausing between each stroke, maximizing my discomfort. When all twelve have finally been delivered, He orders me to stand and collect myself. My jeans hold in the stinging heat, making me squirm. He pulls me into His arms and we stand in front of the porch door, watching a neighbor rumble down the lane and out of sight. I shiver, hoping we haven't been seen. He nuzzles into my neck, His voice raises goosebumps on my skin.

"Consider that your warning" His whispers " No more demerits this year, or I'll thrash you good".

*SHIVER*     'Nough said.  

.

Broken

These last few weeks have been so difficult—my mind has been filled with doubt and fears, worries and guilt. People asked “whats wrong?” and I pasted on a smile and waved them off, when all I really wanted to do was scream. It came to an end Wednesday, when Ace took me in hand.

I had been struggling all day, fidgety and sullen, I couldn't find anything constructive to do for a distraction and was left at the mercy of my destructive mind. Semester grades were coming and I was sure I had failed my finals (I didn't) or ruined my GPA(didn't do that either). I had been fighting with myself for two weeks, trying to justify feelings I hated to acknowledge and loathing myself when I couldn't. I knew people could see it and my guilt was overwhelming me. Add a healthy dose of self-pity to the mix and I was a hot mess.

Ace walked in, to find me sitting in the rocking chair, staring out the window blankly. I could sense Him moving around me--turning on the television, talking to the cat--the sounds filtering into the chaos already playing in my head, annoying me. I took a book down off the mantle, opened it and tried to read. After reading the same spot several times(I still have no idea what it said), I grew frustrated at my inability to concentrate and slammed the book shut. Ace was there in a heartbeat, His face and voice held surprise and it was His turn to be annoyed.

“WHAT are you doing?” He asked “What's wrong?”

“Nothing” I said, tossing the book back where it was. A slow, deep ache started in my chest, pressing down and making me feel like I couldn't breathe. Ace brought His face close to mine and repeated His question in a quieter but firmer voice. I looked away from Him and shook my head. There was no way to answer. I felt Him move away and I was immediately relieved and angry that I couldn't tell Him. I heard Him moving through the house, then a few minutes later He was back.

“Stand up” He ordered, taking my hands and gently pulling me to my feet.

Oh great, I couldn't help but think, now I've made Him mad and He's gonna spank me.

Through all of the mayhem in my mind, I managed enough respect to lower my eyes and wait for His instructions. He turned me around and I tensed, waiting to feel His hand strike. Instead, I felt Him pull me into His arms, my back to His chest, holding me firmly. I fought the urge to struggle out of His grip, wanting to be away and hating myself for thinking it. He lowered His head to my shoulder and I could feel His breath on my neck as I started to drift away.

“I think we need to talk, don't we?” He said quietly. I closed my eyes and nodded.

He unwrapped me and took my hand, leading me into the bedroom. As soon as we entered, I moved toward the corner but He held my hand and pointed to the bed.

I climbed up on it, hardly caring what He was about to do. It could hardly compare to the ache I felt creeping across me . I draped myself across the bed and took, without sound or movement, the hardest beating Ace has given me to date. Nothing registered. I felt no pain whatsoever. I heard the sounds--the smack of His hand, the thud of paddles and belt- all sounding like they came from another room, maybe another planet. I laid, staring at the bookshelf, waiting for Him to be done.

After forty five minutes, the sounds suddenly stopped.

And from somewhere, I heard what sounded like a chuckle come from my person.

“You find this funny?” His voice registered only because it was angry. I certainly was not smiling, wasn't emoting in any way. I lifted my head off the bed just long enough to answer negatively. I heard Him sigh with frustration as I started to slip away again.

Just as I reached the brink of losing myself, I whispered the only thing that I felt.

“It didnt work.” Ace was beside me in a moment, turning me to my side so He could see my face.

“What did you say?” He asked. I shook my head and looked away from Him again, but He could tell I was trying to find words and waited for me patiently.

“It.........just..........didnt work” I mumbled “I'm broken”. I moved back over onto my stomach, turning my head away from Him again. I felt His hand on the small of my back and my mind exploded.

I just told Him this isnt working, why is He going to give me more?

His hand didnt strike though. Instead, I felt Him slowly begin to massage my back, working His way up to my shoulders. This I could feel and I hated myself for it. Why would He reward me like this? I turned on to my side to stop Him.

“I'm sorry” I said, not knowing what else to do. He pulled me into His arms immediately.

“So am I” He said “What did I do wrong? Was it too hard?” I could hear both fear and concern in his quiry. I shook my head.

“Its not you” I said “ I just can't feel.........” I trailed off.

“Do you have ANY idea of the concept of how hard a beating you just took?” His voice was incredulous “That's the hardest I have ever been on you”.

“I know” I answered quietly “I don't know what it is. I just have so much riding on me right now. There's so many doubts and worries. I just don't know if I am making the right choices and I don't wanna feel that way. I feel like I threw myself off a cliff and one part of me wants something to grab onto and then another part wants let go and enjoy the ride. There are so many things that could go wrong and so many more that could go right.....there is just so much. And then I have my grades too, and I'm scared I didn't do enough......I just don't wanna mess everything up..........Its all pressing down and me and it hurts and I can't make it stop.........” I am surprised at how quickly it all tumbled out.

His face was full of compassion as He pulled me back into His arms.

“You're stressed out, baby” He whispered quietly. He reassured me gently, encouraging me to talk to Him, to tell Him everything. I worked through it, trying my best to explain and come to terms with all the crap running around in my head. He listened mostly but it was His words that caught me off guard.

“You need a good cry, baby” He said.

I jumped and then looked at Him in complete awe. How did He know that? That is not something I could ever have imagined Him saying to me. He knew exactly what I needed, but my immediate reaction was to deny it. Crying is not something I do. I cannot just let myself go like that. Crying is for the weak, I thought to myself (although I have never agreed with that standpoint). He could see my turmoil as I thought about it and He rescued me from it.

“Do you need me to help you, baby?” He asked “What do you need me to do?”

I looked away from Him, unsure of what to do, and my eyes fell on the implements He had used on me earlier lying on the corner of the bed. I moved slowly towards them and picked up the wood back scratcher, turning it over in my hands.It was, by far, the worst implement in our arsenal. Would it work? I wondered to myself. Do I even want it to? I moved back over to Ace, averting my eyes as I handed the implement to Him. I gave Him my answer in a barely audible voice.

“I need you to spank me with that.........hard........until I can let this go”.

I braved a look at Him and saw His face was full of compassion for me. He pulled me in for another hug but when He gently pushed me away, I could see the change that had come over Him. He gently, but firmly laid me back down on my stomach. For the first time that day, I felt the dread of impending punishment and I knew this time I was going to feel it.

“Baby” I was not expecting His voice “I have whipped you hard once today” He said, running His hand over my bottom “You need to tell me if this becomes too much for you, do you understand?”

I nodded my head.

“No Mae, look at me” Not a request, a command I obey immediately.

“I want you to swear you will use your safe word if you need to” He was very serious and stern “Swear that you will”.

“Yes, Sir, I will” I promised, then returned to position.

He raised the back scratcher and crashed it down on my upturned bottom. The pain was immediate and intense. The next stroke followed shortly and left me breathless, a slow fight against the pain building up in me.

SMACK!!

On the third stroke, I felt my body start to release-the pain lifting off my chest and I felt like I was breathing for the first time as tears pricked at my eyes.

As He delivered the fourth stroke, Ace gently placed His hand on my back. It was that touch, such a small gesture, that did it. His love overwhelmed me and I began to cry.

Two strokes later, I was freely crying as I let go of all the stress and worry I had been carrying. Ace tossed the back scratcher away, gathered me in His arms, and held me until I cried out all the hurt I had been harboring. We lay spooning together as He gently soothed the pain away and whispered quiet nothings to me until I drifted away, this time into sleep.

------------------------------------

Two days and several conversations later, I am surprised as I sit here typing this out how very different I can feel in such a short amount of time. For the first time in weeks I feel relaxed and comfortable, ready to move on. Its a good feeling.

Fun Stuff

So, we were out over the weekend and came across an old antiques store--it was really cool to walk around in. Took some pictures of things we saw there:



A very large paddle

  

Old hairbrush and mirror (I wish I would have thought to turn the mirror over)



Another old wooden paddle (I was not intending it, but if you look at the bottom left corner, the scar on my hand is visible)


We also spotted this sign for a restaurant--couldnt pass up getting a picture of this one!

Enjoy! ;)

Fantastic Song!

♥♥For K♥♥

Disclaimer: I do not own this song or the lyrics to it. No copyright infringement of this song is intentional in any way. This song is performed by Big and Rich and is their property. 

All Work and No Play--Part 2

Today was the first opportunity I have had to work with "D" since I cut my hand. Walked in to work this morning and was exchanging plesantries with "L" (my supervisor) when D came in. L had her back turned to him and I threw him a very quick look that begged him to be careful about saying anything (I am technically in a supervisory position over D when we are working and obviously this is not something either of us would share with L purposefully---lets just say I was praying to every god I could think of or concoct in thirty seconds time that nothing would slip!) Thank whoever, D caught it and we more or less ignored each other until L had left the room.

When the coast was clear, D walked over to me and held out my box cutter. I lowered my eyes reflexively and reached for it with a quiet "thanks", only to find that D was holding it firmly in his hand causing me to glance up at him.

I was greeted with a milder form of  THE LOOK.

"Be careful with it this time, little girl" D's voice was stern "No more accidents with that, understand?"

I nodded and turned away from him to close up my locker.

"How's your hand?" D asked "Does it still hurt?" The stern demeanor was gone and I could see the concern on his face. "Let me see it."

"The only time it hurt was when you cleaned it" I teased and D laughed. "And no, it doesnt hurt at all--its almost completely healed already" I held out my hand "It is going to leave an impressive scar though."

D agreed that it looked that way, reminded me (again) to be cautious, and we went to work.


I tried to get a picture of the mark left on my hand--unfortunately that wasnt very successful :(  *Sigh*

As I promised in a comment I made, I am attaching(hopefully) a video clip from McClintock! to this-- I believe this is the first spanking scene in the movie, and its quite comical-enjoy!

Spring Cleaning

So I was not planning to post again this soon but two reasons presented themselves.

First, after a very long discussion, Ace and I have decided to move away from weekly maintenance. We both feel that it is too contrived and knowing about it enables me to put myself past it and shut down during it. I wish I could think of a better way to explain what I mean. But its simply not working (my behaviour is just as deplorable as ever).

The second reason for this post was to share another implement I found today while doing spring cleaning in the barn:

I can only hope, my friends, that you have seen the movie McClintock!--in which case you know exactly what this should be used for. I was more than a little surprised to come across this. Naturally, I showed it to Ace(yes, He has seen the movie!). I bent over for a swat and quickly became enamored. I do not like implements that sting(hence my dislike for that blasted hairbrush!)--I much prefer something that is heavy and will leave a mark over something that stings and leaves a short-lived burn. I am not sure if it would sting more on skin, but over jeans it was exactly the heavy, weighted implement I have been waiting for.