Now that I have finished with school, I find I am having a hard time filling up my time. I've been routinely having nightmares that I'm supposed to be somewhere or doing something and I'm late or haven't finished an assignment and I have to rush to catch up. There are times I'm overwhelmed by the feeling that I am forgetting something important, only to find there is nothing actually that pressing. After finishing this semester, I truly thought I would be relieved that it was over---now, there is a significant emptiness there, and its hard to find ways to push that way and not feel regret. There is a loss of stimulation here as well--Ace is away for most of the day, working, and littles is gone to school. I honestly don't make friends outside of my home, its just not something I'm good at, so its hard to fight off a feeling of loneliness. My social interaction has decreased almost to zero, and I miss the little bit that I had. Even just talking to others in classes or online was something......its weird to not have that any more.
The plus side is the sheer amount of time I have back. I cannot remember when I have ever had this much time to claim as my own! I've spent the last few weeks going through old pictures, editing and reminiscing along the way. Some of those were the pictures from New York City from the summertime....maybe I'll make a post and share some of them. I've taken up a photography challenge I saw posted on fb--a different category of picture each week for all 52 weeks of the year--and so far I am having fun with it. Combining this with one other challenge, and a few personal projects starting soon, and I'm hoping maybe the time issue will resolve itself as I go.
If you remember reading my previous post (way back when!) or the one before it, you'll remember I said that Ace has become a real stickler about me hiding things from Him. That hasn't changed a bit. In fact, after my last post and all that transpired in it (yes, it was true), I decided it was time for me to tell Him something I had been hiding for a very long time. It was a very big mistake I made, not against Him, but against His mother when we were in the first year of our marriage and life within this family was still very new and I was adjusting to it (a process I am still working on). This was very, VERY, bad. The second worse thing I have ever done in my life. Mind you, this was long before I brought the idea of dd to Him, and I really had no way to know how He would react to this behavior. Knowing that I now have a way out--although not an easy one by any means--I decided it was time to tell Him. My heart was literally in my throat.....this "something" could easily mean criminal charges against me if His mother ever found out about it (yeah, it was that bad).
I had already had a maintenance spanking for some attitude that had cropped up during a stressful week. For whatever crazy reason, it's after these times that I find myself telling Him things I probably wouldn't otherwise. Maybe I am hoping He will be lenient since I've just been spanked anyway? <shrug> I don't know, but lately it seems I can't stop myself from blurting things out in these quiet moments......
And so, with my heart racing, laying beside Him, and right on the verge of tears, I let it all out......what I had done, and why, and how sorry I was for it and for keeping it from Him all of this time.
He laughed.
You read that right......He laughed.
At first I almost feared that it was one of those crazy, maniacal laughs a person does before promptly killing another person. But a closer look at His face, and His eyes, revealed that He found something very amusing about the whole thing.
You could have knocked me over with a feather. Not at all the reaction I was expecting!
It turns out, He explained, that He was laughing only because He absolutely could not believe that I had been torturing myself all of this time keeping this to myself. While it was a serious offense, it was many many years ago, and He could not believe I had not only kept it a secret, but had felt guilty about it for so long. And, He had to admit, He couldn't believe that as a young wife, I had been quite that ballsy with my new mother in law!
After a few minutes, His chuckling died down, and I knew His thoughts had turned to the serious side of the matter--the fact that as a new wife and expectant mother, I very well could have found myself in jail over a moment of letting my temper get away with me. His eyes took on a darkness I don't see very often....He was truly angry with me.
He started to lecture about all of the possibilities that could have come about as a result of my foolishness. After a few minutes, I asked Him to remember that I honestly had been lectured enough by my own conscience in the past 8 years to warrant a reprieve from it. He looked surprised, and if possible, even more angry for a moment, and then it passed. He went very quiet and I knew He was deciding my fate. I was already laying flat on my stomach, facing Him, as I waited to hear what He was going to do.
He didn't give me any warning whatsoever. He sat up, pulled me over His lap, and started spanking me hard and fast with His hand. After a few minutes, He stopped and I risked a peek over my shoulder at Him to whisper another apology. Although it was on top of an earlier spanking, He had hardly done anything at all, and yet in that moment I found myself looking at Him through tears. He accepted my apology with a nod, and pronounced the sentence. Ten more, hard, with His hand and then it would be over.
And a few minutes later, it was and I was safe in His arms. We spent some time talking about it, most of which was Him reminding me that I was to let it go now, it had already been carried far too long. That's always the hardest part, letting go and forgiving myself, even after He does.
You would think having to go through this process of telling Him about my mistake--a direct result of a temper outburst from me--and paying for it would be enough to curb it for a good long while.
You would think so, wouldn't you?
Alas, no. I have done it again! I'm not going into details with this one--a disagreement I took way too far-- but when it gets dark, and the house is quiet, I know what will be filling up my time tonight.....
~sugar
