We're still growing, still moving forward. Its a process right now as we are changing a lot of things around. Its surprising how many steps there are, how many bumps in the road we iron out just to get to the next one. All necessary of course, and its been good for us.
I had disagreed with something that happened last week. I had come home from work, tired and frustrated (and sick) and a situation arose in which I became even more upset and I allowed it to show a very little bit in both words and actions. According to Ace, I lost my temper. But I honestly felt like I was simply sharing my frustration. I kept my voice quiet, even though there was anger. I kept myself as calm as I could, I didn't slam doors or stomp or shout or do anything like that. But the little bit of frustration I let out came across to Him as though I was losing my temper.
As I mentioned before, He didn't address it that day. The next day, He told me I would be getting spanked for it. I fought the urge to run to Him all day, to tell Him that I disagreed and try to explain it away. Because a lot of times, I feel like certain people are provoking me, trying to get me angry and doing things they know are hurtful to me. The other person in this situation (not Ace) is one of those people. And its constant, and it hurts, and it gets old after awhile! I just was not in any mood to put up with that person's pettiness--on top of everything else--that day. And all of this was what I wanted to tell Him, but in the end I didn't because I thought He would think I was just making excuses and trying to get out of it. And so I kept it all in, and when He told me it was time, I allowed Him to spank me, even though I didn't agree with it.
And then, the other night He decided it was time for maintenance. I submitted again, at least for the first few minutes. But it was really harsh, harder than He had given me a few nights before for the temper issue (which is a rule) and it was confusing me--He was telling me it was to help me keep our rules at the front of my mind, but He was spanking me harder than He did for a punishment. It wasn't right and I finally asked Him for a moment to speak to Him. I started trying to explain, but I was feeling a little overwhelmed, and I once again worried that He would think I was just trying to stop Him or get out of the spanking. Unfortunately, it became one of those "never mind" moments, and He spanked me a little more before deciding to end it--He knew as well as I did that it wasn't working.
Finally, last night we talked about it. Actually, yesterday afternoon and evening both. We had a lot we needed to cover. And I tried something new--I went to Him, allowed Him to wrap me up in His arms, and I spilled it all out. About feeling set up by His family sometimes---there are times I swear they know He spanks me, and they provoke me to get me angry knowing I'll catch it later. I know its not true, it honestly feels that way sometimes. About feeling that I hadn't "lost it", on the contrary, with how terrible I was feeling, I had only allowed a very small part of my frustration to show, but even though I had controlled it, I still ended up being punished for sharing that little bit. And how that made me feel if I come home from work after a crappy day and I share that with him, or share frustration about anything else, it will come across wrong to Him and I will end up in trouble for it. Because of that, I've been coming home and telling Him everything was fine, and when the same family member moved from verbally abusive to physically aggressive I held it back and didn't tell Him, because I couldn't say it without there being anger in my voice and I didn't want to get spanked for it.
I shared with Him that I don't know what the threshold is, how much I can say or let out before it becomes a broken rule. I didn't think I had broken it, He did. Clearly, we needed to redefine what this entails and where the limit is. We also needed to talk--and we did--about the maintenance issue. It took us some time to iron that one out, but we fixed it. I told Him I was worried He had ended the spanking too soon because He felt I was blaming Him when I tried to talk to Him about it---that I was just pointing out what He was doing wrong. Throughout this very long conversation, I found myself constantly saying that I didn't want Him to feel I was blaming Him, that a lot of this could sound like I was just pointing out mistakes He was making, and that's not true. This lifestyle is a lot of work to maintain, and I wasn't doing my fair share of it. He was trying His best, but He needed honest feedback, and He wasn't getting it.
That's always been the hardest part for me, opening up and communicating with Him. It sounds silly, but for me, its always been easier to pull into myself and hold everything in. This is how I have always been, and learning to open up has been a struggle for me. Last night was a big step--going to Him and letting it all out. I have to admit, it felt really good to just rest in His arms and let everything go, share all of my worries and all of the "wrong", and then move forward with Him, fixing and making things right as we went along.
And guess what became a rule? Yup, hiding. I'm not allowed to do it any more. He pulled me into His arms and told me that no matter what it is, I am not to hide anything from Him any more. Even if that means I am angry, or frustrated, or crazy emotional. He wants me to run to Him, wrap myself up in His arms, and together we will fix it just like we did last night.
Its a constant process, but we are moving forward, growing and learning together.
And its been good.
~sugar
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
100th post!
Well, this silly little thing I started some odd years ago has reached the milestone of 100 posts. Its rather hard to believe--when I started, I certainly never thought it would last this long, or that I would ever generate 100 posts! I owe a quick shout out to Joey and Lea, who have--from the beginning--been my most loyal readers/commenters. Thanks to you both, and to all of you have commented here--its appreciated! And for the rest of you who are reading--and yes, I know there are quite a few of you--don't be afraid to leave a comment or just let me know who you are. I promise I'll be nice if you will :)
Ace and I just returned from our mini vacation. It was so nice to have that little bit of alone time :) Our arsenal was packed as promised, and well used! :)
The concert--Josh Groban--was unbelievable! I've always wanted to see him perform--it was a perfect way to celebrate our special day! On the way home, I was thinking of a memory from 8 years ago. A few days before our wedding, I made a cd with only one song on it--Josh Groban's "When You Say You Love Me", that so perfectly expressed everything I was feeling going into our special day. The night before our wedding, I snuck it into His car so it would be playing the next morning when He was on the way to the church. :) I knew, preparing for the happiest moment of my life, that this song was what He was listening to, and it will always be special to me for that reason. I've included a video of it here that has the lyrics (and being the grammar geek that I am, it should be breathe, with an e in the first verse, not breath--I didn't make this video, I don't own it, the song, lyrics, all are property of other people respectively, I make no claims to them and no infringement is intended--have to throw that all out there to cover my a**) :) Please take a few moments and listen to it though, it is a beautiful song :)
I'm still a very happy girl, and I plan on staying that way!! :) :)
~sugar
Ace and I just returned from our mini vacation. It was so nice to have that little bit of alone time :) Our arsenal was packed as promised, and well used! :)
The concert--Josh Groban--was unbelievable! I've always wanted to see him perform--it was a perfect way to celebrate our special day! On the way home, I was thinking of a memory from 8 years ago. A few days before our wedding, I made a cd with only one song on it--Josh Groban's "When You Say You Love Me", that so perfectly expressed everything I was feeling going into our special day. The night before our wedding, I snuck it into His car so it would be playing the next morning when He was on the way to the church. :) I knew, preparing for the happiest moment of my life, that this song was what He was listening to, and it will always be special to me for that reason. I've included a video of it here that has the lyrics (and being the grammar geek that I am, it should be breathe, with an e in the first verse, not breath--I didn't make this video, I don't own it, the song, lyrics, all are property of other people respectively, I make no claims to them and no infringement is intended--have to throw that all out there to cover my a**) :) Please take a few moments and listen to it though, it is a beautiful song :)
I'm still a very happy girl, and I plan on staying that way!! :) :)
~sugar
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Happy girl.... :)
8.
9.
Two little numbers. :)
Its our 8th anniversary this week (the 13th to be exact, and yes I know about the whole 13 thing and what was I thinking---believe me, I've heard every joke and wisecrack there is about having my wedding on the 13th. Rest assured--for at least two people--the 13th (of August) is the luckiest day in the world!) :)
Let me clarify. Its our 8/9-ths anniversary--eight years married, nine years together. :)
He is taking me to a concert, a performance I have wanted to see for many years but the opportunity never arose. Tonight, He approached me with the idea of going away overnight, which I was more than happy to agree with. We may only be going an hour from home, but that's away for us! :P
Looking forward to this time alone with my love :) He's already promised He will be packing our "arsenal" with us, to which I am (stupidly....bravely....happily....take your pick) adding to, but ssshhh, He doesn't know that yet!
I've pushed all of the craziness away, all of the negativity. I'm wrapping myself up in the knowledge that He loves me, and that's all I need.
And I love Him, more than I could ever say. :)
~sugar
9.
Two little numbers. :)
Its our 8th anniversary this week (the 13th to be exact, and yes I know about the whole 13 thing and what was I thinking---believe me, I've heard every joke and wisecrack there is about having my wedding on the 13th. Rest assured--for at least two people--the 13th (of August) is the luckiest day in the world!) :)
Let me clarify. Its our 8/9-ths anniversary--eight years married, nine years together. :)
He is taking me to a concert, a performance I have wanted to see for many years but the opportunity never arose. Tonight, He approached me with the idea of going away overnight, which I was more than happy to agree with. We may only be going an hour from home, but that's away for us! :P
Looking forward to this time alone with my love :) He's already promised He will be packing our "arsenal" with us, to which I am (stupidly....bravely....happily....take your pick) adding to, but ssshhh, He doesn't know that yet!
I've pushed all of the craziness away, all of the negativity. I'm wrapping myself up in the knowledge that He loves me, and that's all I need.
And I love Him, more than I could ever say. :)
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
When someone vanilla finds out......
During the course of our vacation week, a vanilla person (His sister) found out about our lifestyle.
It was one of those "I cant believe that happened" moments. Ace and I each have bracelets we wear with words that are specific to us and this lifestyle. I was rushing to get ready, and I thought I put mine in my bag to slip on later. It wasn't until much later that evening that my sister in law handed it back to me. Turns out, I had left it sitting out and my little one had found it and was wearing it for awhile before sis took it away from her. She didn't mention it directly, but I have to assume she saw the inside, and she while she is vanilla herself, I know she would understand what it means.
She hasn't said anything about it at all actually. I was waiting for it, she and I have always had a pretty good relationship, so I figured it might come up. Being that it hasn't, now I am wondering if its because she didn't notice it, or just because its a little too awkward of a subject between in laws (it seems I'm becoming quite good at manufacturing awkward situations).
And so, there is potentially one vanilla person who knows about us in real life. I don't know exactly what I would say, but I know if she asks I will tell her the truth. I doubt she will and I know she is not the type of person who would share that with anyone else, so our "secret" is safe in that respect. And quite frankly, I really don't care if she does know or tells others either. I can't change who I am/what we are, and I have to say there are a least a few of them who would benefit from some exposure to this type of lifestyle (in other words, a damn good spanking!!) Ok, that thought really makes me laugh! :)
Ace and I spent some much needed time alone last night--some play, but mostly just quiet time together :) I'm starting to feel better--I think a lot of the emotion from the last few weeks has been a result of how crappy I have felt. As I'm finally starting to get better, the overwhelming feeling has been one of just calm. There is still a lot of emotion built up, but I feel really removed from it. Its like a giant cloud off in the distance---I can see it and I know its storming there, and every so often I hear the rumbling of thunder, but for now I'm resting in the calm. I don't know if the storm is moving away or if I am just in the eye of it, but either way I'll be just fine.
Looking forward to some special days--and some time alone with my love--coming up in the next week :)
It was one of those "I cant believe that happened" moments. Ace and I each have bracelets we wear with words that are specific to us and this lifestyle. I was rushing to get ready, and I thought I put mine in my bag to slip on later. It wasn't until much later that evening that my sister in law handed it back to me. Turns out, I had left it sitting out and my little one had found it and was wearing it for awhile before sis took it away from her. She didn't mention it directly, but I have to assume she saw the inside, and she while she is vanilla herself, I know she would understand what it means.
She hasn't said anything about it at all actually. I was waiting for it, she and I have always had a pretty good relationship, so I figured it might come up. Being that it hasn't, now I am wondering if its because she didn't notice it, or just because its a little too awkward of a subject between in laws (it seems I'm becoming quite good at manufacturing awkward situations).
And so, there is potentially one vanilla person who knows about us in real life. I don't know exactly what I would say, but I know if she asks I will tell her the truth. I doubt she will and I know she is not the type of person who would share that with anyone else, so our "secret" is safe in that respect. And quite frankly, I really don't care if she does know or tells others either. I can't change who I am/what we are, and I have to say there are a least a few of them who would benefit from some exposure to this type of lifestyle (in other words, a damn good spanking!!) Ok, that thought really makes me laugh! :)
Ace and I spent some much needed time alone last night--some play, but mostly just quiet time together :) I'm starting to feel better--I think a lot of the emotion from the last few weeks has been a result of how crappy I have felt. As I'm finally starting to get better, the overwhelming feeling has been one of just calm. There is still a lot of emotion built up, but I feel really removed from it. Its like a giant cloud off in the distance---I can see it and I know its storming there, and every so often I hear the rumbling of thunder, but for now I'm resting in the calm. I don't know if the storm is moving away or if I am just in the eye of it, but either way I'll be just fine.
Looking forward to some special days--and some time alone with my love--coming up in the next week :)
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
These last few weeks...part 2
So, as you can see I survived last night. It wasn't an easy night, but its over now.
It started with a situation that's been going on here at home. I thought I would write about it, but now I think I won't. I'm not going to go into details. It has just been a constant situation in which I felt that another member of His family was trying to come between us. This person was taking a lot of His time, and there were things said about me that really hurt.
This was added onto the hurt and disappointment I've been feeling because of events from a few weeks ago and the result of those events, some really awful days at work, and a terrible stomach virus that has left me physically weak and that much more emotional. All of it was stacked up and I was holding it all back, but it came to a head the other morning when I came home from work.
More things were said, more hurt dished out and I allowed my temper to flare just enough to catch Ace's attention. I don't think He realized how much anger I was holding back at that family member in that moment, and added to all of the other hurt/disappointment I had, I don't know how I didn't completely lose it.
It was enough though. He told me to calm down, then took care of the other half of the problem. When he came back to me, I was expecting him to tell me I would be getting spanked, but instead He sent me off alone to have a few minutes of quiet for myself. I took more than a few, allowed some of the hurt to drain away, and then bottled the rest back up.
I was still expecting my outburst to be addressed, but I was also pretty sick the whole day, so He didn't mention it. I knew it was only a matter of time though. The next day (yesterday) He told me we would be talking about it, as well as one other smaller and unrelated issue.
I had butterflies all day, knowing what was going to happen. When it was finally time, He spanked me hard with His hand, the handle of the wooded spoon, and the lexan. I was in tears in a matter of minutes, but Ace has changed in this respect as well. Before, when I would cry, He would stop. This time, He kept going for quite a good deal longer, until I was beyond fighting or tears and He was sure the message had sunk in.
That wasn't the end of it. Actually, it was only the beginning and only the first of several times I would find myself in tears that night. I let out everything I was holding in, starting with how I felt about the things that had been said/done by the other family member. He hadn't realized just how much that had hurt and the doubts it had given me about us and my place in His family. A lot of tears and a lot of reassurances were needed and given. I also shared with Him all of the doubt/ disappointment I've been carrying since we returned from vacation. He had absolutely no idea I had been carrying that much and how it was affecting me, and when I showed him I had all of that, plus work and being sick and family issues and feeling like I was disappointing Him, it was really too much for me.
He hadn't known about most of it, yet another example of my need to communicate more openly with Him. He made sure to tell me that several times over the course of the evening, to remind me that He's always there for me and will always listen, but He can't read my mind and He doesn't always know there is something bothering me because I am pretty good at hiding it. He doesn't want me to hide anymore, He wants me to open up to Him and let everything come out, even things I don't think are worth His time or are things I feel I should be able to work through myself, and especially things that make me hurt---even if that means feeling like an overly emotional crybaby like I did last night.
And now this morning, I'm feeling much more calm. There is still some of the disappointment/regret from before that I think only time will heal and all I can do is try to let it, slowly and surely, melt away. It will take some time, but it will be better eventually.
I'll be alright. I have my love, and He loves me and in the end it will all be alright.
~sugar
It started with a situation that's been going on here at home. I thought I would write about it, but now I think I won't. I'm not going to go into details. It has just been a constant situation in which I felt that another member of His family was trying to come between us. This person was taking a lot of His time, and there were things said about me that really hurt.
This was added onto the hurt and disappointment I've been feeling because of events from a few weeks ago and the result of those events, some really awful days at work, and a terrible stomach virus that has left me physically weak and that much more emotional. All of it was stacked up and I was holding it all back, but it came to a head the other morning when I came home from work.
More things were said, more hurt dished out and I allowed my temper to flare just enough to catch Ace's attention. I don't think He realized how much anger I was holding back at that family member in that moment, and added to all of the other hurt/disappointment I had, I don't know how I didn't completely lose it.
It was enough though. He told me to calm down, then took care of the other half of the problem. When he came back to me, I was expecting him to tell me I would be getting spanked, but instead He sent me off alone to have a few minutes of quiet for myself. I took more than a few, allowed some of the hurt to drain away, and then bottled the rest back up.
I was still expecting my outburst to be addressed, but I was also pretty sick the whole day, so He didn't mention it. I knew it was only a matter of time though. The next day (yesterday) He told me we would be talking about it, as well as one other smaller and unrelated issue.
I had butterflies all day, knowing what was going to happen. When it was finally time, He spanked me hard with His hand, the handle of the wooded spoon, and the lexan. I was in tears in a matter of minutes, but Ace has changed in this respect as well. Before, when I would cry, He would stop. This time, He kept going for quite a good deal longer, until I was beyond fighting or tears and He was sure the message had sunk in.
That wasn't the end of it. Actually, it was only the beginning and only the first of several times I would find myself in tears that night. I let out everything I was holding in, starting with how I felt about the things that had been said/done by the other family member. He hadn't realized just how much that had hurt and the doubts it had given me about us and my place in His family. A lot of tears and a lot of reassurances were needed and given. I also shared with Him all of the doubt/ disappointment I've been carrying since we returned from vacation. He had absolutely no idea I had been carrying that much and how it was affecting me, and when I showed him I had all of that, plus work and being sick and family issues and feeling like I was disappointing Him, it was really too much for me.
He hadn't known about most of it, yet another example of my need to communicate more openly with Him. He made sure to tell me that several times over the course of the evening, to remind me that He's always there for me and will always listen, but He can't read my mind and He doesn't always know there is something bothering me because I am pretty good at hiding it. He doesn't want me to hide anymore, He wants me to open up to Him and let everything come out, even things I don't think are worth His time or are things I feel I should be able to work through myself, and especially things that make me hurt---even if that means feeling like an overly emotional crybaby like I did last night.
And now this morning, I'm feeling much more calm. There is still some of the disappointment/regret from before that I think only time will heal and all I can do is try to let it, slowly and surely, melt away. It will take some time, but it will be better eventually.
I'll be alright. I have my love, and He loves me and in the end it will all be alright.
~sugar
Monday, August 5, 2013
These last few weeks...part 1
Its been a crazy couple of weeks. I've started posts and erased them more times than I can count, debating whether to share or keep holding everything in. So, this will probably end up long and garbled, but its at least two weeks of posts I've been holding back.
I've been having a hard time dealing with a situation that happened a few weeks ago--that led to more situations here at home, and all combined have left me feeling hurt and confused and disappointed. It actually started because of the way Ace was handling me--or, I should say wasn't handling me. His perspective/strategy changed--instead of disciplining for things wrong or giving maintenance to keep me on the right track, He decided to use a strategy of only giving me a spanking for good behavior (His reasoning being if he spanked me for something I was doing wrong, he would be giving attention to it and me, and therefore encouraging the negative behavior to continue). And so, He began ignoring all negative behavior, but that process was making me feel ignored as well. I wasn't looking for a spanking, I didn't purposely act out or brat even knowing He would ignore it. This became a problem even more so when positive behavior was getting ignored too. After more than a month of not being spanked at all, its hard not to take that personally, to feel like whether I was good or bad made absolutely no difference. Adding to the situation was the summer class I was taking--I was having a hard time making myself focus on this class and do the work. I think this was mostly because I am almost finished with school (only one more class) but its taken me a long time, and its been a crazy process for me. I've started and completed 90% of three different programs, only to find they weren't what I wanted to do and then I would switch to another. Now I'm one class away from finishing one of those, but the overwhelming feeling for me is not one of accomplishment for finishing one, but failure for giving up on the other two and how long its taken me just to complete one.
Of course, I took this issue to Ace. He employed the new strategy--He would not spank me for it because He felt it would teach me to continue to procrastinate and make me that much more inattentive to schoolwork. That wasn't helping me. It was leaving me feeling uncared for on top of the focus issue I was still trying to deal with.
And so, I took the issue to someone else. My first real foray into the adult world outside of my own home--the people were nice, but I don't know if I was completely ready for it. By that, I mean I was feeling more than a little overwhelmed/intimidated from the start (which I'm sure was more than evident) and fate jumped in to make a mockery of me. It took a lot of planning to make one situation line up and in a matter of moments it turned into one of the most awkward situations I think I have ever had and I am sure takes the cake for most bizarre the other person has encountered to date. I told Ace before we even left home that it almost felt as if we were trying too hard to make something work, that if it was meant to be it probably wouldn't be that hard. More than a little of that fear/doubt was at play as well. To their credit, the others in this situation handled it gracefully, and for that I am thankful to them.
The professor I had for the summer class taught something I will never forget. Its a way of looking at life in which you analyze the cost--positive and negative, for you and others---to everything you do. Every action you take in life changes the course of your life in some way, and the course of others as well. These changes are the cost of the choice and affect more than just one person, so according to this theory each and every way a choice that can affect you or anyone else should be weighed before that choice is decided on. It gets overwhelming when you really start to think about it, so that's all I will say about it in terms of explanation. I've been thinking about this a lot--especially as it pertains to the situation mentioned above. I walked away from that situation feeling as though it had helped me, but there has definitely been a cost to it, both in terms of others and for Ace and I.
I'm not going into the first one. But I will explain what I mean about the cost to us, which has been both positive and a very little bit negative. Lets get the negative out of the way first, shall we? Coming home from vacation is always hard for me. Its the return to everyday life and responsibilities I was only too happy to put away for a week. I was feeling a little emotional and there was still the issue of how we were--or weren't--working. On top of that, there was an issue regarding miscommunication related to the situation I mentioned above. Ace knew what was happening and why, but He was also upset that I had taken the issue to someone else. Not angry, but more like hurt/confused. I didn't understand why He felt that way--I had brought it to Him, He couldn't/wouldn't address it, so I took it somewhere else when the opportunity came. Take it from experience, its very difficult to explain that to your HOH without making them feel guilty or sound like you are blaming them for it. He thought He was doing what was best, and I told Him many times that I understood that but this strategy just wasn't working.
I told Him I thought it might be in our best interest to stop, as we really weren't engaging in this way of life anyway. He disagreed. We had a long talk about it and rearranged quite a few things. Ace was still working through the miscommunication issue. In short, it came out to a difference in me feeling like I had made clear that the new way of doing things was not working, and Him feeling as though it was incorrect and he could recognize that now, but I hadn't made clear to Him just how this was hurting me and He really had not realized it. I accepted His apology and took a spanking to clear the air/remind me to communicate my needs clearly with Him. This is actually the positive part :) It took a lot of talking and a spanking but we are back on the same wavelength and the reminder was needed.
There have been other positives as well. We have not returned to the way we were before the failed strategy, but have redesigned everything. Ace has been very firm--after our long talk, He set up how we are going to be, which includes rules He will be making for me. I wasn't sure if it would really happen at first, but He was serious about it. He has been making rules for me, and after one warning its been an automatic spanking earned every time so far (which has only been once, but it was a cold (no warm-up) spanking with one of our worst implements so I know what to expect...ouch!). He has also put in place maintenance, or "just because", spankings to address small issues that aren't rules but need to be talked about, or just to use as time for us to be alone and if there are no issues, to play the fun way :) :)
And so I am enjoying the newness while trying to let go of some guilt/doubt/hurt from other things. I cant change what happened, or the way others feel about me (even though I don't feel they've see who I really am).
I'll post part 2 separately as it will probably be long as well. It deals with other issues that have come up in the family, and the reason my love has just whispered to me that I'm getting spanked tonight. <sigh>
~sugar
I've been having a hard time dealing with a situation that happened a few weeks ago--that led to more situations here at home, and all combined have left me feeling hurt and confused and disappointed. It actually started because of the way Ace was handling me--or, I should say wasn't handling me. His perspective/strategy changed--instead of disciplining for things wrong or giving maintenance to keep me on the right track, He decided to use a strategy of only giving me a spanking for good behavior (His reasoning being if he spanked me for something I was doing wrong, he would be giving attention to it and me, and therefore encouraging the negative behavior to continue). And so, He began ignoring all negative behavior, but that process was making me feel ignored as well. I wasn't looking for a spanking, I didn't purposely act out or brat even knowing He would ignore it. This became a problem even more so when positive behavior was getting ignored too. After more than a month of not being spanked at all, its hard not to take that personally, to feel like whether I was good or bad made absolutely no difference. Adding to the situation was the summer class I was taking--I was having a hard time making myself focus on this class and do the work. I think this was mostly because I am almost finished with school (only one more class) but its taken me a long time, and its been a crazy process for me. I've started and completed 90% of three different programs, only to find they weren't what I wanted to do and then I would switch to another. Now I'm one class away from finishing one of those, but the overwhelming feeling for me is not one of accomplishment for finishing one, but failure for giving up on the other two and how long its taken me just to complete one.
Of course, I took this issue to Ace. He employed the new strategy--He would not spank me for it because He felt it would teach me to continue to procrastinate and make me that much more inattentive to schoolwork. That wasn't helping me. It was leaving me feeling uncared for on top of the focus issue I was still trying to deal with.
And so, I took the issue to someone else. My first real foray into the adult world outside of my own home--the people were nice, but I don't know if I was completely ready for it. By that, I mean I was feeling more than a little overwhelmed/intimidated from the start (which I'm sure was more than evident) and fate jumped in to make a mockery of me. It took a lot of planning to make one situation line up and in a matter of moments it turned into one of the most awkward situations I think I have ever had and I am sure takes the cake for most bizarre the other person has encountered to date. I told Ace before we even left home that it almost felt as if we were trying too hard to make something work, that if it was meant to be it probably wouldn't be that hard. More than a little of that fear/doubt was at play as well. To their credit, the others in this situation handled it gracefully, and for that I am thankful to them.
The professor I had for the summer class taught something I will never forget. Its a way of looking at life in which you analyze the cost--positive and negative, for you and others---to everything you do. Every action you take in life changes the course of your life in some way, and the course of others as well. These changes are the cost of the choice and affect more than just one person, so according to this theory each and every way a choice that can affect you or anyone else should be weighed before that choice is decided on. It gets overwhelming when you really start to think about it, so that's all I will say about it in terms of explanation. I've been thinking about this a lot--especially as it pertains to the situation mentioned above. I walked away from that situation feeling as though it had helped me, but there has definitely been a cost to it, both in terms of others and for Ace and I.
I'm not going into the first one. But I will explain what I mean about the cost to us, which has been both positive and a very little bit negative. Lets get the negative out of the way first, shall we? Coming home from vacation is always hard for me. Its the return to everyday life and responsibilities I was only too happy to put away for a week. I was feeling a little emotional and there was still the issue of how we were--or weren't--working. On top of that, there was an issue regarding miscommunication related to the situation I mentioned above. Ace knew what was happening and why, but He was also upset that I had taken the issue to someone else. Not angry, but more like hurt/confused. I didn't understand why He felt that way--I had brought it to Him, He couldn't/wouldn't address it, so I took it somewhere else when the opportunity came. Take it from experience, its very difficult to explain that to your HOH without making them feel guilty or sound like you are blaming them for it. He thought He was doing what was best, and I told Him many times that I understood that but this strategy just wasn't working.
I told Him I thought it might be in our best interest to stop, as we really weren't engaging in this way of life anyway. He disagreed. We had a long talk about it and rearranged quite a few things. Ace was still working through the miscommunication issue. In short, it came out to a difference in me feeling like I had made clear that the new way of doing things was not working, and Him feeling as though it was incorrect and he could recognize that now, but I hadn't made clear to Him just how this was hurting me and He really had not realized it. I accepted His apology and took a spanking to clear the air/remind me to communicate my needs clearly with Him. This is actually the positive part :) It took a lot of talking and a spanking but we are back on the same wavelength and the reminder was needed.
There have been other positives as well. We have not returned to the way we were before the failed strategy, but have redesigned everything. Ace has been very firm--after our long talk, He set up how we are going to be, which includes rules He will be making for me. I wasn't sure if it would really happen at first, but He was serious about it. He has been making rules for me, and after one warning its been an automatic spanking earned every time so far (which has only been once, but it was a cold (no warm-up) spanking with one of our worst implements so I know what to expect...ouch!). He has also put in place maintenance, or "just because", spankings to address small issues that aren't rules but need to be talked about, or just to use as time for us to be alone and if there are no issues, to play the fun way :) :)
And so I am enjoying the newness while trying to let go of some guilt/doubt/hurt from other things. I cant change what happened, or the way others feel about me (even though I don't feel they've see who I really am).
I'll post part 2 separately as it will probably be long as well. It deals with other issues that have come up in the family, and the reason my love has just whispered to me that I'm getting spanked tonight. <sigh>
~sugar
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