Sunday, June 15, 2014
The first time.....
Today is my first Father's Day without my dad.
The first time I can't call him to wish him Happy Father's Day.
The first time I can't visit him to bring him a Father's Day present.
I'm wearing his favorite baseball t-shirt and hat. My locket with his ashes is around my neck, as always.
I've never missed another person so much.
It's the first time, and my heart hurts so much today......
~sugar
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Um, good vibes???
When it comes to this "lifestyle" and all it entails, I'm completely sure that if you met me, I'd be the last person you would expect to find engaging in it. I know, lots of people say that. But I'm guessing I have them all beat. I live in a remote town (in a crap state) that has no, absolutely no, kink activity in it. I've never been to a party, munch, or any other type of gathering of kinky people. Play, outside of my marriage, is probably something I'll never be brave enough to do. I seesaw back and forth between intense desire to have an experience and morbid fear of one....it changes almost every day.
Sure, I have a Fetlife profile. But that's about as far as I go. I keep it in, where I'm safe. Could I find it in my area? I suppose, if I looked hard enough. Do I want to? Not particularly. Something about engaging with people here, people I might run into again/might know me, is just too weird. I know the argument about how if I met them in a kinky situation, I would have nothing to fear because I could expose them just as easily as they could me. Yeah, I get that. But, the somewhat stupid part of that argument is it negates the effect of being exposed. Sure, I could do it back, get revenge....but that won't fix the parts of my life that could be seriously screwed up by their actions and my indiscretion.
That was a bit of a tangent. Getting back to where I started, I seriously am starting to wonder if I give off some kind of vibe people are picking up on. As far as I know, I am not consciously acting any different than I have before in public, or engaging in blaring submissive behaviors. But in the last two weeks, I have had at least four open references made to me regarding this lifestyle or aspects of it.
Twice I have had two male friends ask me for advice, neither of whom I would have expected it from. The first is a young man I work with whom I consider to be like my cool kid brother. I watch out for him, he has a blazing temper, but we have good times working together. He started a relationship with a young lady who also works with us--I trained her for part of the job, and she is very sweet but more than a little naive. She was engaging in behavior he didn't like, and he was asking her to submit to him by stopping that behavior even though it would mean big lifestyle changes for her. He asked if he was doing the right thing, if I thought he was being an overprotective asshole, because that's what everyone else was saying. So I told him what I honestly thought--that it seemed to me he was trying to protect her, she should be grateful for that, and give him her submission on this issue. He confessed that he had given her an ultimatum on it, and it was killing him because he didn't want to lose her, but he couldn't stand by and watch her self destruct either. My heart was breaking for both of them...he has been so happy with her, and I didn't want to see him or her being hurt, but I could totally understand where he was coming from. He asked me to talk to her, I told him I would try to if I saw her. A few days later, he came and told me she did submit to his leadership, and is happier for it. :)
The other was a friend I have known since I was eight, another person who is kinda like a brother but not exactly. Our relationship is much different than my "little brother" I described above or either of my two actual brothers. We hadn't talked in awhile, I was kinda wondering what had happened, because I hadn't heard from him in quite some time. This guy is in the military, he joined when we were in high school, and as it turns out, I hadn't heard from him because he voluntarily went back overseas on another mission. I'm not saying where, and I'm not saying which branch, as I don't want to compromise him in any way. He married a girl I don't know a few years back, and he confessed to me that they are having some issues in their marriage. She told him to go, that she was ok with it, but now she is angry at him because he came home a different person and she feels like she doesn't know him any more. He is angry because she told him to go, so he did, but now he doesn't understand why, on top of everything else he is dealing with from being in the service, he has to deal with so much hostility on the home front. He told me he doesn't understand how she could expect him to be the same after all he went through.
And then he told me something that shocked me to the core. Earlier in the conversation, we had been talking about high school days, and he decided to tell me that he had actually been crazy about me, but too scared to tell me because he felt I was too far out of his league.
I had to stop him at this point and ask him if he remembered who he was talking to! He assured me he did.
I wasn't born yesterday nor am I that naive. I recognized the loneliness that was talking in that statement. But I thanked him for that, admitted I had felt the same way for him as a girl, but for most of high school he was dating a girl I was sort of friends with, so that made him off limits anyway, not to mention that I never would have guessed someone like him--the guy voted homecoming king--would have ever been interested in someone like me.
Like I said, I heard the loneliness talking. So I told him, as a friend, that I thought he was being a bit of a jerk to his wife. I told him I care about him a great deal still, as a friend, but he needed to stop thinking about himself and imagine how his wife felt for a moment. I asked him if he realized how it would have looked had his wife said no when he asked about doing another voluntary mission. Suppose people found out, what would they say, about her and about him? They would say she's a selfish bitch for keeping him home and not letting him serve his country (at least, back in our home town, I know they would). And they would say he is "whipped"--can't do anything without asking for his wife's permission.
He admitted that he hadn't thought of that.
I asked him if he knew how much it hurt me, just as his friend, to know he was voluntarily putting his life on the line like that. I understand why, though I strongly disagree with the reasons, but just for me as his friend to worry about him and wonder if the day would come that I would hear about the messenger that came to his parent's door to tell them their son was gone. Just thinking about how much it would hurt them broke my heart all over again. I told him I could not imagine what his wife must have been going through, day and night, not knowing exactly where he was or if he was alright, and having to worry about it moment to moment. For all he had to go through, she went through just as much back here, waiting for him.
And then he comes home, she is so happy he is safe, but he's not the same person any more. But, as I told him, neither is she. No one stays the same forever, especially in situations like this. I told him marriage truly is learning how to grow around each other as change occurs. Its going to happen, the relationship will never be just the same as it always was, that is true for every relationship. To make it work, you have to learn how to accept the changes that have happened. She has to accept that he changed into a slightly less sensitive/harder person and he has to accept that she has changed into a wife that needs love and security from her husband more than ever before.
We talked for a long time. I've missed having good conversations with friends like this. I longed to tell him about the lifestyle, but with the anger issues he admitted to and the hostility he feels in the relationship, I didn't feel that it was a good time to suggest it. They need to talk now, she needs security, routine, and to know that he will be there for her. Suggesting such a drastic change for them at this point didn't seem prudent. He made a few veiled references to dd, but I gently turned the conversation from it. Maybe we will talk about it at some point, but not right now. (I am curious to find out what he knows and how he feels about it though, after the comments he made).
My boss has used several more spanking references since the last one I wrote about. I simply try to ignore it. Its just too creepy to think about. <shudder>
And then there was the neighbors, across the street. We were over at their house for a birthday party when they told us how they were outside working in the yard one day and they heard Ace using duct tape in the garage to close a box he was sending out to someone. It was a very big box, and of course duct tape can be very loud, and apparently it went on for quite some time. Neighbor told us he turned to his wife and said "Damn, he's really tying her up good, isn't he??"
And, in that moment, I didn't even stop to think--my mouth just opened and out came:
"How do you know I wasn't tying him up?"
<insert awkward pause here>
WTF....JUST CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH?!?!? That was all I think think of. Neighbor blushed for the hills, stammered out some response (I have no idea what it was) and walked away. I didn't get a chance to explain that it was a joke, that my mouth runs so far ahead of my mind sometimes.....
Needless to say, we haven't been invited back to any more parties!
I don't know what it is. I don't know why I'm giving this off, or others are picking up on it with me. It seems like an awful lot of references to it in such a short amount of time, too many to be coincidence. I suppose I could be wrong. Maybe it is coincidence. I don't know if its all good, but maybe I'm giving off some kind of vibe people are picking up on.....who knows?
I'm just trying to be a little more careful.....and I think I still owe the neighbor an apology.......
~sugar
Sure, I have a Fetlife profile. But that's about as far as I go. I keep it in, where I'm safe. Could I find it in my area? I suppose, if I looked hard enough. Do I want to? Not particularly. Something about engaging with people here, people I might run into again/might know me, is just too weird. I know the argument about how if I met them in a kinky situation, I would have nothing to fear because I could expose them just as easily as they could me. Yeah, I get that. But, the somewhat stupid part of that argument is it negates the effect of being exposed. Sure, I could do it back, get revenge....but that won't fix the parts of my life that could be seriously screwed up by their actions and my indiscretion.
That was a bit of a tangent. Getting back to where I started, I seriously am starting to wonder if I give off some kind of vibe people are picking up on. As far as I know, I am not consciously acting any different than I have before in public, or engaging in blaring submissive behaviors. But in the last two weeks, I have had at least four open references made to me regarding this lifestyle or aspects of it.
Twice I have had two male friends ask me for advice, neither of whom I would have expected it from. The first is a young man I work with whom I consider to be like my cool kid brother. I watch out for him, he has a blazing temper, but we have good times working together. He started a relationship with a young lady who also works with us--I trained her for part of the job, and she is very sweet but more than a little naive. She was engaging in behavior he didn't like, and he was asking her to submit to him by stopping that behavior even though it would mean big lifestyle changes for her. He asked if he was doing the right thing, if I thought he was being an overprotective asshole, because that's what everyone else was saying. So I told him what I honestly thought--that it seemed to me he was trying to protect her, she should be grateful for that, and give him her submission on this issue. He confessed that he had given her an ultimatum on it, and it was killing him because he didn't want to lose her, but he couldn't stand by and watch her self destruct either. My heart was breaking for both of them...he has been so happy with her, and I didn't want to see him or her being hurt, but I could totally understand where he was coming from. He asked me to talk to her, I told him I would try to if I saw her. A few days later, he came and told me she did submit to his leadership, and is happier for it. :)
The other was a friend I have known since I was eight, another person who is kinda like a brother but not exactly. Our relationship is much different than my "little brother" I described above or either of my two actual brothers. We hadn't talked in awhile, I was kinda wondering what had happened, because I hadn't heard from him in quite some time. This guy is in the military, he joined when we were in high school, and as it turns out, I hadn't heard from him because he voluntarily went back overseas on another mission. I'm not saying where, and I'm not saying which branch, as I don't want to compromise him in any way. He married a girl I don't know a few years back, and he confessed to me that they are having some issues in their marriage. She told him to go, that she was ok with it, but now she is angry at him because he came home a different person and she feels like she doesn't know him any more. He is angry because she told him to go, so he did, but now he doesn't understand why, on top of everything else he is dealing with from being in the service, he has to deal with so much hostility on the home front. He told me he doesn't understand how she could expect him to be the same after all he went through.
And then he told me something that shocked me to the core. Earlier in the conversation, we had been talking about high school days, and he decided to tell me that he had actually been crazy about me, but too scared to tell me because he felt I was too far out of his league.
I had to stop him at this point and ask him if he remembered who he was talking to! He assured me he did.
I wasn't born yesterday nor am I that naive. I recognized the loneliness that was talking in that statement. But I thanked him for that, admitted I had felt the same way for him as a girl, but for most of high school he was dating a girl I was sort of friends with, so that made him off limits anyway, not to mention that I never would have guessed someone like him--the guy voted homecoming king--would have ever been interested in someone like me.
Like I said, I heard the loneliness talking. So I told him, as a friend, that I thought he was being a bit of a jerk to his wife. I told him I care about him a great deal still, as a friend, but he needed to stop thinking about himself and imagine how his wife felt for a moment. I asked him if he realized how it would have looked had his wife said no when he asked about doing another voluntary mission. Suppose people found out, what would they say, about her and about him? They would say she's a selfish bitch for keeping him home and not letting him serve his country (at least, back in our home town, I know they would). And they would say he is "whipped"--can't do anything without asking for his wife's permission.
He admitted that he hadn't thought of that.
I asked him if he knew how much it hurt me, just as his friend, to know he was voluntarily putting his life on the line like that. I understand why, though I strongly disagree with the reasons, but just for me as his friend to worry about him and wonder if the day would come that I would hear about the messenger that came to his parent's door to tell them their son was gone. Just thinking about how much it would hurt them broke my heart all over again. I told him I could not imagine what his wife must have been going through, day and night, not knowing exactly where he was or if he was alright, and having to worry about it moment to moment. For all he had to go through, she went through just as much back here, waiting for him.
And then he comes home, she is so happy he is safe, but he's not the same person any more. But, as I told him, neither is she. No one stays the same forever, especially in situations like this. I told him marriage truly is learning how to grow around each other as change occurs. Its going to happen, the relationship will never be just the same as it always was, that is true for every relationship. To make it work, you have to learn how to accept the changes that have happened. She has to accept that he changed into a slightly less sensitive/harder person and he has to accept that she has changed into a wife that needs love and security from her husband more than ever before.
We talked for a long time. I've missed having good conversations with friends like this. I longed to tell him about the lifestyle, but with the anger issues he admitted to and the hostility he feels in the relationship, I didn't feel that it was a good time to suggest it. They need to talk now, she needs security, routine, and to know that he will be there for her. Suggesting such a drastic change for them at this point didn't seem prudent. He made a few veiled references to dd, but I gently turned the conversation from it. Maybe we will talk about it at some point, but not right now. (I am curious to find out what he knows and how he feels about it though, after the comments he made).
My boss has used several more spanking references since the last one I wrote about. I simply try to ignore it. Its just too creepy to think about. <shudder>
And then there was the neighbors, across the street. We were over at their house for a birthday party when they told us how they were outside working in the yard one day and they heard Ace using duct tape in the garage to close a box he was sending out to someone. It was a very big box, and of course duct tape can be very loud, and apparently it went on for quite some time. Neighbor told us he turned to his wife and said "Damn, he's really tying her up good, isn't he??"
And, in that moment, I didn't even stop to think--my mouth just opened and out came:
"How do you know I wasn't tying him up?"
<insert awkward pause here>
WTF....JUST CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH?!?!? That was all I think think of. Neighbor blushed for the hills, stammered out some response (I have no idea what it was) and walked away. I didn't get a chance to explain that it was a joke, that my mouth runs so far ahead of my mind sometimes.....
Needless to say, we haven't been invited back to any more parties!
I don't know what it is. I don't know why I'm giving this off, or others are picking up on it with me. It seems like an awful lot of references to it in such a short amount of time, too many to be coincidence. I suppose I could be wrong. Maybe it is coincidence. I don't know if its all good, but maybe I'm giving off some kind of vibe people are picking up on.....who knows?
I'm just trying to be a little more careful.....and I think I still owe the neighbor an apology.......
~sugar
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