The ugly side of this lifestyle (Fetlife repost)

Re-posting from my fetlife:

"As with any aspect of life there are pros and cons in this lifestyle. Days like today, it just hurts.

There was a post recently about not getting too invested. I think that may be my primary mistake. I always say I will trust someone until they give me a reason not to. In other words, if your looking for someone who is easy to take advantage of, that would be me. Go ahead and hit "friend request" now. What's that? I'm feeling sorry for myself?

Well, yeah actually I am.

Sometimes, you reach out to someone and they don't respond. That sucks. You wonder why, what is it about you that is so unappealing they can't even bear to respond?

And then, there are times where you spend days, weeks, months, even years building up a relationship with someone just to get dropped off with no explanation whatsoever. That sucks too.

Welcome to today.

Its not the first time its happened. I'm sure it won't be the last. You would think I would learn from it. Maybe I'll finally learn not to trust people until they prove they can be trusted.

Yeah right.

In the meantime, go ahead and hit that friend request.

I'll be sitting here feeling sorry for myself and waiting for you, because I know you will find me.

I'll trust you, and you'll hurt me.

And that sucks.

Welcome to today."

~sugar

Yeah, about that.....

About that last blog post.

Its not all gloom and doom, I promise.

It was a rough day at work, locked my keys in my car and had to walk home in 20 degrees with blowing snow to get the spare, and I was feeling frustrated and yes, angry and damn cold, so I fired off a blog post.

I am still missing my dad. That part was true. People tell me it will get better with time--I'm sure they are right, but its not right now. And I am not going to lie about how I feel about his loss because people expect me to. It hurts and there is no changing that.

There are positive things coming up though, and I am trying to shift my focus to those things. Next week, there is a special ceremony and banquet for those of us who are graduating with honors. The week after that is graduation itself, and the day after graduation is an annual memorial 5K for two local women who succumbed to breast cancer years ago. This is one of my favorite things to do, it raises money for a good cause and I always feel amazing afterwards.

I'm not angry now, and I wish I could say I'm not cold, but its still damn freezing here.

But its not all gloom and doom.

I promise.

~sugar

If you ask me....

I'll tell you I'm fine.


I'll tell you its getting better, and I'm "moving forward".


I'll put on a smile.



And I'll also be lying.


Its not getting better, and I feel like I am stuck here.

Days like today, I just feel like a fractured little girl who wants her dad.

I hate where I am right now. This point were there are moments where I feel happy and actually smile, then feel guilty for it. That is where I am--I can't feel happy without feeling like I am forgetting to be sad for my dad and feeling guilty for it. I'm not forgetting him, I couldn't. But I don't know how to do this. How do I move on? How do I let myself go back to being happy and smiling and actually being able to tell people I'm ok without lying or feeling guilty for it?

This is confusing. I don't know if I am making any sense. I'm just struggling with these feelings, ones I don't even know how to explain. I put on a smile and say good morning to people at work--as soon as they walk by its gone and all I can think about is putting my fist through a wall. I have a lighthearted conversation with a friend, then spend the next two hours locked in the bathroom, the only place I can go to be alone and cry, and wonder what they would think if they knew how weak I am, how very fragile I feel.

I'm tired of feeling this way.

I'm tired to pasting on smiles for everybody else.

I'm tired of telling very one that I am just fine.


If you ask me, that's what I'll tell you.


But I'll be lying.


~sugar

Bloggerversary

I was scrolling through my blog archive looking for a specific post (either I thought I made it and didn't, or its been eaten by Blogger) when I saw that my "Bloggerversary" is tomorrow. I started this blog on April 13, 2011. It has 24 followers, 113 posts, and over 27,000 page views so far. When I started, I never thought it would last this long. Thanks to those of you who have read and are still reading---my posts are usually pretty infrequent, but that is something I am hoping to change, so stay tuned. :) In the meantime, here is an old meme I am resurrecting, enjoy!

1. Would you rather be spanked outside in a cold woodshed or inside by a cozy fire?
   Inside by the fire. I don't mind the cold so much, but for a spanking definitely inside. 
2. Would you rather be spanked in public or private?
   In private. 
3. Would you rather fantasize about spanking or actually be spanked?
   I'd rather be spanked for real.
4. Would you rather be spanked for humiliation or for your spanker’s pleasure?
   Never for humiliation, that's just not something I could allow. For His pleasure or mine. :)
5. Would you rather be spanked by hand or hairbrush?
   By hand, I love His hands.
6. Would you rather be spanked by belt or cane?
   Thats a hard choice. If I had to choose, probably belt. 
7. Would you rather be spanked by ping pong paddle or riding crop?
   Another hard choice. I would have to say crop.
8. Would you rather be restrained or unrestrained during a spanking?
   It depends. I prefer to be unrestrained, but if He wants to restrain me I will let Him. This is a big change that's happened for me in the last year. I want this to be His choice now, not mine. 
9. Would you rather be spanked until you cried or until you are aroused?
   I always want to be taken to tears. Sometimes that requires me asking for more. 
10. Would you rather have just a red bottom or welts/bruises?
    Both. Red is good, but I want something I can feel for a few days. 
11. Would you rather be spanked for the naughty things you have done or just because you enjoy the experience?
    Is that really even a choice? They both have their purposes, so....yeah both. 
12. Would you rather be spanked with panties up or panties down?
    That depends on the implement being used! Usually down, although for ones with alot of sting, then at least one layer would be nice. I don't usually get that option, but it would be nice!
13. Would you rather be spanked somewhat clothed or entirely naked?
    Depends, but usually clothed except for the contact area, as it brings my focus to what is going on instead of self esteem/body issues in the moment. 
14. Would you rather be spanked OTK or bent over a table/chair?
    We don't typically use either of these scenarios--usually over/laying on the bed. 
15. Would you rather your spanker have physical contact with you?
    Absolutely, I need to know He is right there with me. 
16. Would you prefer to be spanked in the woods with a tree branch, bent over the hood of a car, or in a school with a ruler bent over the desk of your teacher/principal?
    Ok, well definitely not the first one-a tree branch would hurt! The second doesn't mention an implement, but the third--unless it were a private scene--is not fun to think about. So, I guess, I would take my chances with the second one, unless the third one is private.
17. Would you rather be a brat to your spanker to deserve a spanking or simply ask your spanker for a spanking because you know you needed it?
    Neither. I would rather He decide when I need a spanking, but I will ask for it if I truly need it and He doesn't see it. I might brat sometimes, but only for a playful spanking. 
18. Have you received a spanking in the last week?
    No, unfortunately.
19. Would you rather be spanked for the physical pleasure or the emotional release?
    Usually for emotional release, but again, it depends on the situation. 
20. Would you rather tell your best friends that you enjoy to be spanked or keep it a secret?
    I really don't make friends with people--don't have the time or desire to socialize/keep up with it and I'm not good at talking to/meeting new people. But it would not be something I would tell someone unless they were part of this lifestyle also. 
21. Would you rather spanking be a lifestyle choice or just something you dabble in?
    A lifestyle choice, definitely. 
22. Would you rather your lover be a vanilla or a spankoholic too?
    Not vanilla, that's for sure!
23. Would you rather be spanked by a stranger or by someone who knew you well?
    Is that really a question? Absolutely not a stranger, for any reason!
24. Would you rather be spanked by a despotic, mean person or by a compassionate, benevolent person?
    Obviously, someone compassionate, but not soft. 
25. Would you rather be talked to while you are spanked or no talking at all?
    Some talking, so I know He is there with me. 
26. Would you rather get one swat at a time with pauses to let the sting set in or a continuous tanning to build up the fire?
    Depends on what its for, but usually continuous build-up. 
27. Would you rather be forced into a spanking or willingly submit into a spanking?
    Depends again. If its for something I have done I would like to submit, although I'm not always successful. If its for pleasure/play, then sometimes we play the "non-consensual consent" game. He always wins. :)
28. Would you rather have a safe word or be pushed beyond your preconceived limits?
    We don't have a safe word as a couple. I trust Him to know when I have had enough. If I need more then I'll ask, otherwise I let Him decide for me. If I am playing with another person (which has happened all of once) I'll follow their preferences. I fear that having one gives me a cop out option which then would open the door to regret if I used it that way. 
29. Would you rather your spanker know your spanking history or is ignorance bliss?
    Ace is typically my spanker, and he obviously knows my history. For others, history and especially preferences are just common sense. 
30. Would you rather be spanked by multiple people at one time or just by one person at a time?
    I have only ever experienced just one person. I can't imagine being spanked by multiple people at the the same time. 
31. Would you rather be spanked once a day or once every few months?
    I would go for a happy medium, a few times a week would be great. 
32. Would you rather your spanker be deeply in tune or be totally unaffected to your experiences as a spankee?
    I wouldn't want the person to be crying along with me, but in tune to my needs and emotions definitely.
33. Would you rather a closer physical relationship or a closer emotional relationship with your spanker?
    Depends on who it is. If it was someone other than Ace, I wouldn't want a closer physical than emotional relationship with them. With Ace, both are equally important. 
34. Would you rather your spanker ice your bottom down after a spanking or send you to the corner to display his/her accomplishment?
    I hate, HATE, corner time, but I wouldn't want ice either because then the effects would wear off too quickly. 
35. Would you rather your spanker be the person you wish to live the rest of your life with (i.e. marriage) or the person you can call on when your tushy tickles?
    I prefer it to be Ace, although I am open to playing with others as well. 
36. Would you rather spanking be part of love making or not a part of love making?
     Either way is nice, but typically (for us) spanking stands alone. 
37. Would you rather your spanker have total control over you when you are being spanked or do you still want to have some control while you are being spanked?
    I need to give up control, but I am not always good at it. 
38. Would you rather be humiliated or respected during a spanking?
    As in question 4, never humiliated. That's not something I would allow. 
39. Would you rather spanking become part of a bigger BDSM alternative lifestyle or spanking just be spanking for spanking sake?
    Whatever is right for each individual. 
40. Would you rather be filmed during a spanking to share your exhibitionist naughtiness or are you too modest to show your bum to the world?
    I have posted a video once, not sure if I would do it again. 
41. Would you rather your spanking be gentle and gradual or painful and abrupt?
    Depends on what it is for. But never gentle! 
42. Would you rather be defiant or fearful going into a spanking?
    If its a real spanking for something I have done, then a little fearful/anxious feeling. If we are just playing, I might take a little of the "defiant" attitude, but never during a serious spanking.
43. Would you rather be spanked exclusively in your own bedroom or anywhere else other than your own bedroom?
    Usually its in the bedroom, but if we are home alone, I'm open to other places.
44. Would you rather be spanked exclusively on your bottom or would other places be interesting too?
    I have been spanked other places, but I don't prefer it. 
45. Would you rather that spanking be a surprise or something that you have to look forward to? Depends on the situation. If its for His pleasure, then either one, although a surprise is nice. If its for something I've done, I prefer to know about it so I can get my head and my heart in the right place before it happens. 
46. Would you rather that spanking be a part of role playing kinkiness or a response to events that have happened in reality?
    Both, although its usually the latter. 
47. Would you rather be spanked by a male or female?
    Either, although being spanked by a male gets more into my headspace. 
48. Would you rather be cuddled or scolded after a spanking?
    Definitely cuddled and loved. Scolding is before/during a spanking; afterwards, all I need is to be wrapped up in His arms. 

~sugar

Spanking Threats and Pet Peeves

I've recently signed on to a program that provides me with books that are not yet released and allows me to keep them as long as I will proofread and review them. For a book worm like me, especially now that I no longer have schoolwork to take up my time, this is a dream come true.

In the past two months I've read 4 such books, everything from vampires to bees, and I have to say it amazes me what people will make into a story these days.

One of the last ones I read--I won't print the name as I am not sure if I am allowed to--actually had spanking threats in it. Its a story of a doctor who meets a cowboy at the World Fair in 1893, and the push and shove of women's lib and old school cowboy mentality ensues, with the heroine getting herself in constant scrapes and the cowboy promising--in wild west lingo--to spank her but never actually having the balls to do so. For someone like me, its a frustratingly bad story of a woman who flaunts her need to be spanked constantly and there isn't a single person-male or female-within a hundred miles who can figure out what the little brat needs. Oh so obvious and the author plays with it but never has the guts to actually go there. As with other recent books (a la E.L. James), this book leaves the reader feeling less intelligent for having read it.

So whats the pet peeve part?

I've been reading stories all over the place, and I am floored at the number of people who will post things they have wrote without re-reading/editing them. Holy smokes, its crazy how much of this is out there! Honestly, if you are going to write something you intend others to read, make it legible! If you write about characters, choose a name--ONE NAME, mind you--and stick with it! This last one is probably the one I see the most and the most annoying--people who write a story and the main character changes names constantly-I've seen as many as four name changes in one story! Oy! I guess what I am saying is proofread people! I admire those who have the courage to put their work out there for others to see, but if you are going to do that, why wouldn't you take the time to ensure its your best work?

Alright, that's the end of that rant. I guess doing this with books being prepared for print release has made these mistakes more obvious and annoying to me than they used to be. I hate seeing people put writing out there that doesn't reflect themselves or their quality of writing because of obvious and distracting mistakes that could easily be fixed with a proofread. <end rant>

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Life around here has been much the same--I'm moving forward and trying to focus on the good memories I have of my dad. My little one is still struggling with his loss, so much of my focus has switched to helping her learn to grieve without shutting herself down. She asked about his cause of death, which was pneumonia, and unfortunately that has her terrified now because she had a very severe case of it the week before he passed. It was going around everywhere, lots of people had it, and littles was very sick when she had it. When she found out that is what he died of, she asked if she was going to die too even though hers had passed, and we had to try to explain to her why she got better but he didn't. I'm not sure if she fully understands what happened or why yet. Its been difficult to explain this to her without making her fearful or bringing her to tears. Right now, we're just answering her questions as they come up, and letting her know its alright to let out any emotions she feels while trying to keep her feeling safe and loved.

Ace is keeping a cautious eye on me--letting me figure out how to process and move on while keeping me close to Him. I've slipped a few times, and each time He has taken me firmly back in hand without anger and without making me feel guilty. He is just the right combination of firm and gentle, and I don't know what I would do without Him.

Its not been an easy few months, but its getting better. I'm looking forward to fun things coming up, possible business opportunities, concerts and vacations this summer, and maybe even returning to school and going for a bachelor's degree.

In the meantime, I'm finding ways to keep myself busy and resting in my Ace's love.

~sugar