Well, I've done it this time.
I have gotten myself into a great big mess.
I screwed up big time.
Let me start out by saying that it wasnt just one thing, but a bunch of little things that have cropped up and led to this. To start, I've encountered sexism in my workplace when I found out (through admission on a co-worker's part) that a male employee who was hired last week has been started off at higher wages than I have been working for in the year and a half I have been with the company. Chauvanism/sexism is one of my biggest pet peeves, I just cannot tolerate it. Knowing this coworker is making more than me after working only 2 days, I went to my boss and requested a raise. I was flatly refused, "not enough money in the budget" for that or so I was told but there was more than enough to pay my male coworker more than me, despite the fact that I have been there longer and work harder than he does. This means that every other person who does the same job as me, gets paid more than I do.
On top of that, there was an issue that came up with Ace's mom. She is a nurse, and my daughter has had some rather serious medical issues going on, and my mother in law used her advantage as a nurse to get to test results and private information on my daughter that I was not even given (this isnt the first time she has done this). She then gleefully threw it up in my face, and I got ANGRY! Combined with the above situation, I was fed up! I was being disrespected on all sides, my feelings and worries stomped across at every opportunity, and it just came to a nasty head.
I did something very bad.
I called the hospital where my mother in law works, and asked to speak to the director of nursing. The same director that handles all complaints lobbed at that hospital. I wasnt able to speak to her directly then, but I left a message with a fake first name only, reporting a HIPAA privacy violation.
And then I told Ace what I had done.
Thats the first time, in seven years, He has ever raised His voice and actually yelled at me. All kinds of accusations came out, including that I was "spiteful" and just trying to get his mom fired for revenge. Needless to say, that really really really hurt. And it made me that much angrier.
My immediate reaction was to storm out. I made it as far as the car before I broke down and lost it. After allowing myself to cry out the hurt, the anger took over. I was done, with all of it.
And so, I very calmly walked back into the house, into the bedroom, retrieved a duffel bag from the closet, and began packing.
I was tired and hurt and angry and I was walking away from all of it. It had been a long time coming, the family situation between myself and my inlaws has always been tense and had become even more so in the last few months. Every time I did something, it was criticized. Everytime I said somthing, they were quick to speak over me or to prove me wrong and if they couldnt to get huffy and then ignore me for awhile. I never have had stable parents. My parents gave me up when I was very young, and I was adopted into a violently abusive home. I guess when I married Ace, who came from a well-to-do family with successful parents who had always been there for their children, I saw an opportunity to have---for the first time ever----a set of parental figures in my life. Only this week, after all this time, have I come to the realization that they will never fill that role for me. No one will. I am 27 years old, and I have never had, nor will I ever have, parents who give a rats ass about me.
There was a whole lot of hurt going on. A whole lot of anger and frustration. I couldnt deal with it anymore. And so I did the unthinkable. I began to pack.
Ace was having none of it. If He was angry before, He was doubly so now. He barricaded me into the bedroom for over 3 hours, refusing to let me leave, and demanding that we talk about all of this.
It was a very, very long 3 hours. I laid everything out on the table and so did He, and then we were left broken, with only each other, trying to put us back together. We both agreed on a few things (trying to put at least a little space between us and His parents for starters) and disagreed on others. I was still adamant that His mom had violated our privacy personally and that someone should know. He agreed, but was not going to allow me to report His mom directly. He did allow that I can report a violation but I cannot use her name or the department she works in.
As we talked through the mess, we both calmed down and began to realize just what the other person has had to deal with. I told Him everything, all my doubts and worries knowing that His family still feels that our marriage was a mistake in judgement on His part and my near constant fear that they will convince Him of the same. Sounds paranoid, and maybe it is somewhat, but its always there. He has been feeling the same condecension and arrogance from His parents and He is also constantly worried about His grandmother (whom we live with) who is getting crazier by the day, to the point that she can no longer even stay by herself in the house without almost starting a fire or some such nonsense.
<insert guilt trip here> The more He talked, the more I began to realize just how much He had been pushing down and holding back too. Unfortunate that it happened this way, but it gave us both the opportunity to yell, to cry, to be angry, to hurt, and then to come back together.
I am so glad for that last part. After we had talked through everything, we spent some time just talking quietly together about a few other things and just being together, healing.
That was Saturday. Yesterday, we were both feeling a little tense, kinda walking on eggshells around each other, neither of us exactly sure how to move on. He was still filled only with concern, and I was just tired and wanted a bit of space to process the craziness I had just caused.
What I found was that I was selfish and allowed too many things to bother me for too long, and I took that out on the only one person I can depend on in this world. I had jeopardized our relationship, as well as other relationships in a moment of anger.
He has had time to process also. Initially, He had only concern for me and getting me to talk it out with Him.
But now, He knows that I am alright and we are ok together and that I will not destroy His family. And now, its His turn to be angry, to be disappointed. I hurt Him. That wasnt the intention, but it happened. I put alot of things at risk by forgetting myself and giving in to my hurt/anger. That will have to be addressed.
Right now, four things are laying out on our bed. The wire carpet beater, the belt, His mandatum paddle, and the martinet.
I know He has forgiven me, but I messed up big time and there needs to be a consequence, a reminder of everything I could have lost just by losing my temper. He deserves the right to be angry still, not hate anger but righteous anger---the kind that establishes Him as the leader of this house and brings me back to Him. The kind that melts my stubborn heart and then wraps me back up in love.
I'm not looking forward to the process, but I want---more than anything----that result.
~sugar
Monday, January 30, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
A Trip to the Mall
Last weekend, we decided to take our little one to see the 3D edition of Beauty in the Beast, a plan which required us to drive an hour to the city closest to us with a movie theater high tech enough to show such movies (in this case in a shopping mall). The movie was really good, littles really enjoyed it and its fun to see classics like that come back so she can experience them that way.
After the movie, we decided to walk around the mall as we needed to get His mom a birthday present. I tell you what, when you havent been out and about a whole lot (like me), its amazing the things you find. Ace and I kept ourselves laughing at all of the seemingly harmless, vanilla things that can be kinkified or spankified. Spatulas (the Star Wars ones are really cool), pizza peels, bath and hairbrushes, decorative bamboo sticks (seriously, I couldnt see much other purpose for those, they are meant to be spankified!) and all of those things were in just one of the stores we visited! :) At one point, Ace shocked the heck out of me by mentioned getting one of the items for his mom for her birthday, stating with conviction "SHE NEEDS IT". I wasnt even drinking anything and I choked!
Me: Wait........what?!?!?!?
Him: Well what? Tell me she doesnt need it!
Me: Well, I cant say I disagree, but I never ever would have guessed you would say that about your MOM!
Him: She's stressed out, driving herself and everybody else crazy. Maybe that would settle her down a bit.
Me: OMG, I can just see your dad throwing her over his knee! (collapsing into giggles at the thought)
Him: I wish he would one of these days. Maybe if we gave something like this (spatula) to him for his birthday.
Me: He would never get the idea to use it that way.
Him: Unless we made sure there was no way to miss it. We could always do a demo for him (giving me a rather loud smack for in the middle of a store)
I shot him a slightly annoyed look then took the spatula from Him and put it back (unfortunately). At one point we walked past the men's department and he steered us towards the belts along a wall (insert shiver here). He took one down and stated that it was exactly what His dad needed for His mom. Oy! I have had the opportunity to meet and become somewhat well-acquainted with a belt just like the one He was holding, and while I actually rather enjoy belts overall, they can be harsh implements, particularly for starting off with, so I didnt agree with him on that one. Do I think a spanking would do my mother in law good? Heck yes! Do I think she should be whipped with a belt? Absolutely not, she would never be able to handle that. Anything more than a hand would probably break her apart. We dont exactly see eye to eye, but just like anyone else I know who regularly practices this lifestyle, I would never want her to experience anything that would cause lasting damage, physically or in this case emotionally. Regardless of how I feel about her or she feels about me, I would never wish harm on her that way. (but a small wake up call wouldnt hurt!)
Anyhow, our littles had been being very well behaved while we shopped, so we took her to the other end of the mall where there is a carousel and let her ride it. While we were spinning around, getting rather sick, I noticed a sign up another wing of the mall a bit. I couldnt read much of it from where we were, but I could clearly make out at least one word on it (tops). I began to laugh and told Ace to look for it the next time we went around to that side. He saw it as well, began to laugh, and after the carousel ride we walked over to take a look at it. Seeing the whole sign, we both were laughing and Ace took out His phone to get a picture:
TOPS Club Inc.! OMG! I could not stop laughing at this. It was actually a sign for some weight loss group, but the idea of Tops forming their own little secret club and then advertising for members was too funny! I can just see the handbook rules for admission:
TO JOIN OUR MOST SECRET CLUB YOU MUST BE THE FOLLOWING:
1. Humorless---Tops must have no sense of humor, or must carefully mask their sense of humor under a strick cloud of disappointment and boredom. Under no circumstance should a bottom ever cause a top to laugh---to do so would be considered no less than treason.
2. Deaf----A bottom will attempt any and all means of pleading and wheedling to avoid just punishment. A top must be able to turn a deaf ear to such nonsense and spank without mercy anyway.
3. Logical----A top must always possess good logic skills. Reasons must be given for imposing a punishment on a bottom. These reasons need not make sense or may be completely made up at a top's discretion. If a no other reason can be thought of, "because I said so" will do.
4. Blameless----Nothing is ever the top's fault. If there is fault, it is clearly on the part of the bottom and should be punished accordingly.
WELCOME TO THEDARK SIDE SECRET CLUB---HENCE FORTH YOU SHALL BE CALLED DARTH TOPNER.
:) *Just kidding----well mostly! :)
~sugar (and Ace)
After the movie, we decided to walk around the mall as we needed to get His mom a birthday present. I tell you what, when you havent been out and about a whole lot (like me), its amazing the things you find. Ace and I kept ourselves laughing at all of the seemingly harmless, vanilla things that can be kinkified or spankified. Spatulas (the Star Wars ones are really cool), pizza peels, bath and hairbrushes, decorative bamboo sticks (seriously, I couldnt see much other purpose for those, they are meant to be spankified!) and all of those things were in just one of the stores we visited! :) At one point, Ace shocked the heck out of me by mentioned getting one of the items for his mom for her birthday, stating with conviction "SHE NEEDS IT". I wasnt even drinking anything and I choked!
Me: Wait........what?!?!?!?
Him: Well what? Tell me she doesnt need it!
Me: Well, I cant say I disagree, but I never ever would have guessed you would say that about your MOM!
Him: She's stressed out, driving herself and everybody else crazy. Maybe that would settle her down a bit.
Me: OMG, I can just see your dad throwing her over his knee! (collapsing into giggles at the thought)
Him: I wish he would one of these days. Maybe if we gave something like this (spatula) to him for his birthday.
Me: He would never get the idea to use it that way.
Him: Unless we made sure there was no way to miss it. We could always do a demo for him (giving me a rather loud smack for in the middle of a store)
I shot him a slightly annoyed look then took the spatula from Him and put it back (unfortunately). At one point we walked past the men's department and he steered us towards the belts along a wall (insert shiver here). He took one down and stated that it was exactly what His dad needed for His mom. Oy! I have had the opportunity to meet and become somewhat well-acquainted with a belt just like the one He was holding, and while I actually rather enjoy belts overall, they can be harsh implements, particularly for starting off with, so I didnt agree with him on that one. Do I think a spanking would do my mother in law good? Heck yes! Do I think she should be whipped with a belt? Absolutely not, she would never be able to handle that. Anything more than a hand would probably break her apart. We dont exactly see eye to eye, but just like anyone else I know who regularly practices this lifestyle, I would never want her to experience anything that would cause lasting damage, physically or in this case emotionally. Regardless of how I feel about her or she feels about me, I would never wish harm on her that way. (but a small wake up call wouldnt hurt!)
Anyhow, our littles had been being very well behaved while we shopped, so we took her to the other end of the mall where there is a carousel and let her ride it. While we were spinning around, getting rather sick, I noticed a sign up another wing of the mall a bit. I couldnt read much of it from where we were, but I could clearly make out at least one word on it (tops). I began to laugh and told Ace to look for it the next time we went around to that side. He saw it as well, began to laugh, and after the carousel ride we walked over to take a look at it. Seeing the whole sign, we both were laughing and Ace took out His phone to get a picture:
TOPS Club Inc.! OMG! I could not stop laughing at this. It was actually a sign for some weight loss group, but the idea of Tops forming their own little secret club and then advertising for members was too funny! I can just see the handbook rules for admission:
TO JOIN OUR MOST SECRET CLUB YOU MUST BE THE FOLLOWING:
1. Humorless---Tops must have no sense of humor, or must carefully mask their sense of humor under a strick cloud of disappointment and boredom. Under no circumstance should a bottom ever cause a top to laugh---to do so would be considered no less than treason.
2. Deaf----A bottom will attempt any and all means of pleading and wheedling to avoid just punishment. A top must be able to turn a deaf ear to such nonsense and spank without mercy anyway.
3. Logical----A top must always possess good logic skills. Reasons must be given for imposing a punishment on a bottom. These reasons need not make sense or may be completely made up at a top's discretion. If a no other reason can be thought of, "because I said so" will do.
4. Blameless----Nothing is ever the top's fault. If there is fault, it is clearly on the part of the bottom and should be punished accordingly.
WELCOME TO THE
:) *Just kidding----well mostly! :)
~sugar (and Ace)
Friday, January 13, 2012
Another post
Not a very inspired title, I know, but nothing else was sounding right so there it is.
Lots of good things happening here, lots of changes. Might sound silly, but putting all control over us in His hands has somehow freed Ace of any and all inhibition. I didnt really realize there was so much between us, preventing us from enjoying each other and togetherness--- how much inhibition there was, for both us. Seven has always been a lucky number for me, so having our seventh year as a married couple start off with a bang should have come as no surprise. The stars will align when they're meant to, and holy hannah, that time is now because we are both seeing stars. The man has passion, and thats all youre getting about that. :)
We've used our log book (journal?) to record basic rules for me and a few other things. We've added a few since we started last week, amazing how quickly things come up that manage to find their way under my list of "no-no's". Most are lighter and have a more playful feel to them, a few are serious and the "big trouble" ones. So far, I've been behaving incredibly well. I've lost all desire to brat, in the different forms it used to take, but not because of the log book and rule list. Hard to explain why it happened, it was just a gradual change to where I find myself doing the things He asks me to do along with the daily things without being told or reminded. That must be what they call "growing up", something I've needed for awhile. Our most recent rule is one I asked for (crazy?!?!? well, yeah) I know, I asked for a rule?!?!? But this is one I really have been wanting. Ever since I had my daughter, and especially in the last year, I've been increasingly unhappy with my size and shape. Its something I've been wanting to work on, so I asked Ace to make a rule about excercising at least 3 times a week. He wasnt comfortable putting a weight loss per week quota on me, as He worried it might encourage unhealthy practices for the sake of losing weight. I've been using an elliptical machine in combination with yoga and since Christmas I have lost 9 pounds. I am happy about that, but not overly so as it really is a drop in the bucket. Its easy to sit and hide behind the safety of a computer screen and imagine better, but in real life my body is far from healthy. The last few times I have been to the doctor my blood pressure was very high for a 27 year old (at the hospital when I had shingles it was 150/115, and the doctor was more than a little concerned). I really need to get my body in better physical condition, and for all the times I've tried it in the past, this time I'm determined to make it happen.
Anywho, a few lighter things that might make you smile. Ace and I were at the store tonight when He spotted these:
He insisted I needed a pair of these, my first "official" spanking pajamas, as they provide both the before and after colors for my backside (geeze, I'm not that white! At least I hope!) I have to say, they are very cozy, although they've not been used for a color guide just yet. :)
Another funny thing: We were in the bedroom the other afternoon---I was laying on my stomach on the bed making reservations by phone for our spring break trip when I realized I had a pen in my hand. Ace was laying beside me, so I took the pen and started doodling on His upper arm. He pretended outrage, but was smiling through it. He raised His hand for a warning smack, but I smiled impishly sweetly and pointed to the phone. He laughed, and decided to settle with confiscating the pen instead. And then, He got the bright idea to use it! He decided to pull my jeans down, and when I let out a yelp, the devil just smiled through His eyes and pointed at the phone. No help for it, I was at His mercy. It was all I could do not to scream, He was tickling my skin with that darn pen and it seemed like He would never stop. Just as I was winding up the phone call, He gave a little chuckle and replaced my jeans. Just as soon as I could, I demanded to know what He had done to me. He just smiled again and shrugged, then told me to go see for myself. Suffice to say, I made it into the bathroom in record time, and I just about died laughing. This is what I found:
Ace's Place. Indeed. :) I love this man! :)
~sugar
Saturday, January 7, 2012
The Decision
Ace made His decision---He wants us to continue ttwd.
This has been a tough one for me. I've been submitting to Him every way possible, but I just dont feel like I'm part of it. Kinda like I'm removed, watching from the outside. There hasnt been any spanking going on---necessity dictates that particular activity for the later evenings, and for the last few weeks I havent been able to stay up very late at all, most times falling asleep somewhere between 8 and 9. I've had a few new physical things going on that are affecting that-- my body just seems to unable to stay well for more than a few days at a time. It sounds like a hypochondriac on speed when I recap the last three weeks: a case of shingles with all of the accompanying body aches, then a nasty stomach virus for two days, a cold that has morphed into what I am pretty sure is a sinus infection (I'm prone to those), and now infections in both eyes which I have never experienced before. Its a very strange sensation--lots of pain and inflammation making my eyes feel like they are bugged out of my face. Its going away, hopefully that will be all for me, at least for a while. None of it has been particularly unbearable, more so just annoying, but combined it wears me out and breaks me down slowly but surely.
Obviously with all that, I havent been feeling in the most romantic mood although we've managed to find some time together in between things. Like I said above, its been........weird. I'm there, but I'm not. I really want to be, I want to be excited about Ace's decision, and I cant be. I'm coming back, getting out of this "funk" I think. I havent been entirely sure if my mindset is truly because I've lost interest in ttwd or just because the physical things had me so far separated from it and from Ace. Like I said, my head is telling me I really want to be part of this still, to keep going, its just a matter of getting my heart to agree. Everything screams a desire to move forward with Him, except one small little part that keeps shrugging her shoulders and feeling kinda "whatever" about the whole thing. I wish that part would take a hike.
Along the lines of what I mentioned at the beginning, we are going to continue ttwd. Ace and I had a discussion about the need for immediate consequences within that frame. He mentioned having difficulty in the past holding over a consequence until whenever we had time, feeling like it was losing meaning for both of us. (I might add here that we use consequence as a term for a return on a behavior----in other words it doesnt always have to be bad). He has been doing some reading and He timidly asked about a few ideas He had seen but confessed to dismissing because He worried they would be too juvenile or difficult to take seriously, such as cornertime (which we have used before but only for a few minutes before a spanking and never as a real punishment itself) and writing lines. As an adult I have only done lines once and to be honest, I would rather have a spanking. I never write much of anything anymore, mostly just typing on the computer, so within a matter of minutes my hand began to ache. My hands are a sensitive spot for me, and we have been exploring using that sensitivity. Ace has used a ruler on my hands, gently, but it was still very hard for me and that is another means of immediate consequence we discussed (its quieter than a full out spanking but hurts just as much, if not more).
We purchased two journals yesterday--the first one is small, designed for me to write in privately. The other is a 400 page lovely black leather-bound book designed to be used for and by both of us. Ace decided we should put some past things in it, such as our Blackjack game and a list of rules and consequences, but mostly it will be used as a punishment log and for me to write lines in (ick).
I feel like I'm right on the edge of my seat, waiting to see what will happen with us and the new changes He is making. I'm committed to submitting to Him and His decisions, I just wish I could honestly say its 100%. I just need that one little, uncommitted, nonchalant "whatever" voice to go away. Without her, I can fully give myself to Him. She's growing a little more distant each day as He grows ever more present. He's pushing her out, slowly but surely, and letting me step in. Just a few more steps......and I'll be there.
~sugar
This has been a tough one for me. I've been submitting to Him every way possible, but I just dont feel like I'm part of it. Kinda like I'm removed, watching from the outside. There hasnt been any spanking going on---necessity dictates that particular activity for the later evenings, and for the last few weeks I havent been able to stay up very late at all, most times falling asleep somewhere between 8 and 9. I've had a few new physical things going on that are affecting that-- my body just seems to unable to stay well for more than a few days at a time. It sounds like a hypochondriac on speed when I recap the last three weeks: a case of shingles with all of the accompanying body aches, then a nasty stomach virus for two days, a cold that has morphed into what I am pretty sure is a sinus infection (I'm prone to those), and now infections in both eyes which I have never experienced before. Its a very strange sensation--lots of pain and inflammation making my eyes feel like they are bugged out of my face. Its going away, hopefully that will be all for me, at least for a while. None of it has been particularly unbearable, more so just annoying, but combined it wears me out and breaks me down slowly but surely.
Obviously with all that, I havent been feeling in the most romantic mood although we've managed to find some time together in between things. Like I said above, its been........weird. I'm there, but I'm not. I really want to be, I want to be excited about Ace's decision, and I cant be. I'm coming back, getting out of this "funk" I think. I havent been entirely sure if my mindset is truly because I've lost interest in ttwd or just because the physical things had me so far separated from it and from Ace. Like I said, my head is telling me I really want to be part of this still, to keep going, its just a matter of getting my heart to agree. Everything screams a desire to move forward with Him, except one small little part that keeps shrugging her shoulders and feeling kinda "whatever" about the whole thing. I wish that part would take a hike.
Along the lines of what I mentioned at the beginning, we are going to continue ttwd. Ace and I had a discussion about the need for immediate consequences within that frame. He mentioned having difficulty in the past holding over a consequence until whenever we had time, feeling like it was losing meaning for both of us. (I might add here that we use consequence as a term for a return on a behavior----in other words it doesnt always have to be bad). He has been doing some reading and He timidly asked about a few ideas He had seen but confessed to dismissing because He worried they would be too juvenile or difficult to take seriously, such as cornertime (which we have used before but only for a few minutes before a spanking and never as a real punishment itself) and writing lines. As an adult I have only done lines once and to be honest, I would rather have a spanking. I never write much of anything anymore, mostly just typing on the computer, so within a matter of minutes my hand began to ache. My hands are a sensitive spot for me, and we have been exploring using that sensitivity. Ace has used a ruler on my hands, gently, but it was still very hard for me and that is another means of immediate consequence we discussed (its quieter than a full out spanking but hurts just as much, if not more).
We purchased two journals yesterday--the first one is small, designed for me to write in privately. The other is a 400 page lovely black leather-bound book designed to be used for and by both of us. Ace decided we should put some past things in it, such as our Blackjack game and a list of rules and consequences, but mostly it will be used as a punishment log and for me to write lines in (ick).
I feel like I'm right on the edge of my seat, waiting to see what will happen with us and the new changes He is making. I'm committed to submitting to Him and His decisions, I just wish I could honestly say its 100%. I just need that one little, uncommitted, nonchalant "whatever" voice to go away. Without her, I can fully give myself to Him. She's growing a little more distant each day as He grows ever more present. He's pushing her out, slowly but surely, and letting me step in. Just a few more steps......and I'll be there.
~sugar
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year........new everything
First off, I want to wish all of you who read and follow this blog a very Happy New Year! I am so thankful for all of you and the opportunities I have had to get to know most of you over this last year.
New Year's Eve was quiet and uneventful here. I came down with a lovely little stomach virus that cost me two days at work. I spent the evening laying in bed, cuddling with my Ace. Our little one woke up a few minutes before midnight and stumbled into bed with us as well. We watched the Dick Clark special and kissed at midnight, then promptly went to sleep.
Something happened a few days ago---I'm not sure I've fully processed it just yet. We were in the middle of a reconnect/maintenance spanking(this was before the stomach bug hit) and everything just kinda fell apart. I dont know that I can really explain it.
It had been awhile since we had an opportunity for ttwd---I had shingles and then the holiday season came up. We finally had a chance to reconnect and I was anxious for it, but if I would have had any idea how it would turn out, I wouldnt have been so eager.
Let me say before I go farther that alot of this may sound like I am blaming Ace and I am not. There have been problems with ttwd since we started and most of the blame lies with me.
Ace was trying to spank me, but after such a long separation from it, I needed much more than He was giving me(and more than He was willing to give me). And so, I "topped from the bottom", I tried to tell Him what to do, at first subtly and then I gave into frustration and shut down. I turned over on my back and refused to go any farther, and I employed my standard method of defense which is to clam up until He leaves me alone (btw, I cant think of a single time this has lasted very long, He always manages to break through it and get me talking, but I still find myself attempting it).
After a few apologies and questions (on His part) and alot of frustrated sighs and "I don't know" 's from me, I finally just blurted out that I am done. I'm done with this as it exists now. Ever since we started it, I have tried to make Ace into something He isnt. I feel like I am holding this giant cookie cutter and trying to stuff Him into it's shape. It just doesnt work that way. It has to be something He wants, not just something thats done out of obligation and because its what I want.
Yes, yes, and yes I know I am being selfish. I know what you are thinking. Jesus Christ, that girl gets to live with quite possibly the world's best husband, who although its a foreign idea, has been willing to adopt and attempt the role of a Top and give her a lifestyle that some can only dream of! What the hell is she thinking?!?! What a self-serving little b%^&#! Yeah, I know......believe me. I know. That would be more than enough for just about any woman seeking this lifestyle. So why isnt enough for me?
Good question. See above description of myself for starters. I dont know why its not enough for me. It absolutely should be. To have my Ace, who would change everything about Himself on a whim just to please me........what woman wouldnt want that??? Of course I do.
And then again, no I dont. Not for me. I want Him to want this for Himself.......does that make sense? Reading that paragraph above, there is a glaring problem there. It lies in the idea of Him changing everything about Himself just for me. Thats just not right. Thats not fair to Him and its not fair to ask it of Him. I want Him to want this if HE wants it, not because He(out of love) wants to please me. Yes, thats a wonderful thing, that He would do that, to fulfill my desires. But its also leaving me with this intense, nagging feeling that its all for and about me. See that? I feel selfish either way. I'm being selfish if I want it and ask Him to change just for me, but I'm also being selfish by not appreciating what I have and the sacrifices He is making for me. Believe me, it takes quite a talented little b%^&# to pull that off.
Another thought----if I'm asking Him to change everything about Himself to please me, and expecting certain behaviours from Him.......where the heck is the submission in that? For me, thats exactly what I would view as "topping from the bottom". I'm telling Him who and what to be, because its what I want and expect. How can I realistically ask Him to fulfill a role of dominance over me when I am the one shaping that role and telling Him how it works? Thats bound to fail. And it has.
And so, I made the decision that I didnt want to do ttwd anymore, and I told Him so. I was expecting Him to agree, we both know its not working the way it is. But, He disagreed about ending it. He told me He still wants to try it and He wants me to help Him learn more. I'm struggling with that idea, because I cant help but feel like I have been leading this for too long and I just dont want to do that anymore. I feel if I continue to try to shape this and define it, for either of us, then I am still controlling it. I would still have the power to show Him what I want Him to see, or plant ideas in His mind to suit myself.
Our perspectives have changed. I dont know if I want to do this anymore, and He thinks we should still try it. Maybe thats a good sign.......that I have completely given up and laid it down for Him to either take up for us or bury. He asked for a starting place to look up information and I gave it to Him in the form of the Learning Domestic Discipline blog and one other one as well. I woke up from a nap yesterday to find Him at the computer reading, with a full page of questions written out in front of Him. The night of our disagreement, we had a long talk about different roles and aspects of ttwd but I was holding firm to the idea of ending it, so I opened up and shared everything I knew with Him thinking it would be going to the grave. He has done the last thing I would have expected, which is to take off and start finding things for Himself (He has followed links to other blogs/sites from the first two) and the idea has come up to use this blog as a way of gathering information. I am still not sure how I feel about it, but the time may come soon where questions are posted here (that may even seem obvious or trivial) but we are seeking answers or advice on. If that happens, know that we would appreciate any and all answers given.
This is long, I am going to end it. I'm in a rather confused place right now. We've not had a chance to talk about this much since that night, so neither of us are sure with how to proceed here. For now, I've given it up but it would seem Ace is still reading/gathering information and trying to decide. The final decision rests with Him now. I'll go back to it if He wants to, if not then we will have to let it go. Being honest, that would be difficult (this is my ideal lifestyle) but He means more to me than that. Right now, all I want is what He wants for us. Whatever that ends up being, it will be enough.
~sugar (and Ace)
New Year's Eve was quiet and uneventful here. I came down with a lovely little stomach virus that cost me two days at work. I spent the evening laying in bed, cuddling with my Ace. Our little one woke up a few minutes before midnight and stumbled into bed with us as well. We watched the Dick Clark special and kissed at midnight, then promptly went to sleep.
Something happened a few days ago---I'm not sure I've fully processed it just yet. We were in the middle of a reconnect/maintenance spanking(this was before the stomach bug hit) and everything just kinda fell apart. I dont know that I can really explain it.
It had been awhile since we had an opportunity for ttwd---I had shingles and then the holiday season came up. We finally had a chance to reconnect and I was anxious for it, but if I would have had any idea how it would turn out, I wouldnt have been so eager.
Let me say before I go farther that alot of this may sound like I am blaming Ace and I am not. There have been problems with ttwd since we started and most of the blame lies with me.
Ace was trying to spank me, but after such a long separation from it, I needed much more than He was giving me(and more than He was willing to give me). And so, I "topped from the bottom", I tried to tell Him what to do, at first subtly and then I gave into frustration and shut down. I turned over on my back and refused to go any farther, and I employed my standard method of defense which is to clam up until He leaves me alone (btw, I cant think of a single time this has lasted very long, He always manages to break through it and get me talking, but I still find myself attempting it).
After a few apologies and questions (on His part) and alot of frustrated sighs and "I don't know" 's from me, I finally just blurted out that I am done. I'm done with this as it exists now. Ever since we started it, I have tried to make Ace into something He isnt. I feel like I am holding this giant cookie cutter and trying to stuff Him into it's shape. It just doesnt work that way. It has to be something He wants, not just something thats done out of obligation and because its what I want.
Yes, yes, and yes I know I am being selfish. I know what you are thinking. Jesus Christ, that girl gets to live with quite possibly the world's best husband, who although its a foreign idea, has been willing to adopt and attempt the role of a Top and give her a lifestyle that some can only dream of! What the hell is she thinking?!?! What a self-serving little b%^&#! Yeah, I know......believe me. I know. That would be more than enough for just about any woman seeking this lifestyle. So why isnt enough for me?
Good question. See above description of myself for starters. I dont know why its not enough for me. It absolutely should be. To have my Ace, who would change everything about Himself on a whim just to please me........what woman wouldnt want that??? Of course I do.
And then again, no I dont. Not for me. I want Him to want this for Himself.......does that make sense? Reading that paragraph above, there is a glaring problem there. It lies in the idea of Him changing everything about Himself just for me. Thats just not right. Thats not fair to Him and its not fair to ask it of Him. I want Him to want this if HE wants it, not because He(out of love) wants to please me. Yes, thats a wonderful thing, that He would do that, to fulfill my desires. But its also leaving me with this intense, nagging feeling that its all for and about me. See that? I feel selfish either way. I'm being selfish if I want it and ask Him to change just for me, but I'm also being selfish by not appreciating what I have and the sacrifices He is making for me. Believe me, it takes quite a talented little b%^&# to pull that off.
Another thought----if I'm asking Him to change everything about Himself to please me, and expecting certain behaviours from Him.......where the heck is the submission in that? For me, thats exactly what I would view as "topping from the bottom". I'm telling Him who and what to be, because its what I want and expect. How can I realistically ask Him to fulfill a role of dominance over me when I am the one shaping that role and telling Him how it works? Thats bound to fail. And it has.
And so, I made the decision that I didnt want to do ttwd anymore, and I told Him so. I was expecting Him to agree, we both know its not working the way it is. But, He disagreed about ending it. He told me He still wants to try it and He wants me to help Him learn more. I'm struggling with that idea, because I cant help but feel like I have been leading this for too long and I just dont want to do that anymore. I feel if I continue to try to shape this and define it, for either of us, then I am still controlling it. I would still have the power to show Him what I want Him to see, or plant ideas in His mind to suit myself.
Our perspectives have changed. I dont know if I want to do this anymore, and He thinks we should still try it. Maybe thats a good sign.......that I have completely given up and laid it down for Him to either take up for us or bury. He asked for a starting place to look up information and I gave it to Him in the form of the Learning Domestic Discipline blog and one other one as well. I woke up from a nap yesterday to find Him at the computer reading, with a full page of questions written out in front of Him. The night of our disagreement, we had a long talk about different roles and aspects of ttwd but I was holding firm to the idea of ending it, so I opened up and shared everything I knew with Him thinking it would be going to the grave. He has done the last thing I would have expected, which is to take off and start finding things for Himself (He has followed links to other blogs/sites from the first two) and the idea has come up to use this blog as a way of gathering information. I am still not sure how I feel about it, but the time may come soon where questions are posted here (that may even seem obvious or trivial) but we are seeking answers or advice on. If that happens, know that we would appreciate any and all answers given.
This is long, I am going to end it. I'm in a rather confused place right now. We've not had a chance to talk about this much since that night, so neither of us are sure with how to proceed here. For now, I've given it up but it would seem Ace is still reading/gathering information and trying to decide. The final decision rests with Him now. I'll go back to it if He wants to, if not then we will have to let it go. Being honest, that would be difficult (this is my ideal lifestyle) but He means more to me than that. Right now, all I want is what He wants for us. Whatever that ends up being, it will be enough.
~sugar (and Ace)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)