The Decision

Ace made His decision---He wants us to continue ttwd.

This has been a tough one for me. I've been submitting to Him  every way possible, but I just dont feel like I'm part of it. Kinda like I'm removed, watching from the outside. There hasnt been any spanking going on---necessity dictates that particular activity for the later evenings, and for the last few weeks I havent been able to stay up very late at all, most times falling asleep somewhere between 8 and 9. I've had a few new physical things going on that are affecting that-- my body just seems to unable to stay well for more than a few days at a time. It sounds like a hypochondriac on speed when I recap the last three weeks: a case of shingles with all of the accompanying body aches, then a nasty stomach virus for two days, a cold that has morphed into what I am pretty sure is a sinus infection (I'm prone to those), and now infections in both eyes which I have never experienced before. Its a very strange sensation--lots of pain and inflammation making my eyes feel like they are bugged out of my face. Its going away, hopefully that will be all for me, at least for a while. None of it has been particularly unbearable, more so just annoying, but combined it wears me out and breaks me down slowly but surely.

Obviously with all that, I havent been feeling in the most romantic mood although we've managed to find some time together in between things. Like I said above, its been........weird. I'm there, but I'm not. I really want to be, I want to be excited about Ace's decision, and I cant be. I'm coming back, getting out of this "funk" I think. I havent been entirely sure if my mindset is truly because I've lost interest in ttwd or just because the physical things had me so far separated from it and from Ace. Like I said, my head is telling me I really want to be part of this still, to keep going, its just a matter of getting my heart to agree. Everything screams a desire to move forward with Him, except one small little part that keeps shrugging her shoulders and feeling kinda "whatever" about the whole thing. I wish that part would take a hike.

Along the lines of what I mentioned at the beginning, we are going to continue ttwd. Ace and I had a discussion about the need for immediate consequences within that frame. He mentioned having difficulty in the past holding over a consequence until whenever we had time, feeling like it was losing meaning for both of us. (I might add here that we use consequence as a term for a return on a behavior----in other words it doesnt always have to be bad). He has been doing some reading and He timidly asked about a few ideas He had seen but confessed to dismissing because He worried they would be too juvenile or difficult to take seriously, such as cornertime (which we have used before but only for a few minutes before a spanking and never as a real punishment itself) and writing lines. As an adult I have only done lines once and to be honest, I would rather have a spanking. I never write much of anything anymore, mostly just typing on the computer, so within a matter of minutes my hand began to ache. My hands are a sensitive spot for me, and we have been exploring using that sensitivity. Ace has used a ruler on my hands, gently, but it was still very hard for me and that is another means of immediate consequence we discussed (its quieter than a full out spanking but hurts just as much, if not more).

We purchased two journals yesterday--the first one is small, designed for me to write in privately. The other is a 400 page lovely black leather-bound book designed to be used for and by both of us. Ace decided we should put some past things in it, such as our Blackjack game and a list of rules and consequences, but mostly it will be used as a punishment log and for me to write lines in (ick).

I feel like I'm right on the edge of my seat, waiting to see what will happen with us and the new changes He is making. I'm committed to submitting to Him and His decisions, I just wish I could honestly say its 100%. I just need that one little, uncommitted, nonchalant "whatever" voice to go away. Without her, I can fully give myself to Him. She's growing a little more distant each day as He grows ever more present. He's pushing her out, slowly but surely, and letting me step in. Just a few more steps......and I'll be there.

~sugar