New Year........new everything

First off, I want to wish all of you who read and follow this blog a very Happy New Year! I am so thankful for all of you and the opportunities I have had to get to know most of you over this last year.

New Year's Eve was quiet and uneventful here. I came down with a lovely little stomach virus that cost me two days at work. I spent the evening laying in bed, cuddling with my Ace. Our little one woke up a few minutes before midnight and stumbled into bed with us as well. We watched the Dick Clark special and kissed at midnight, then promptly went to sleep.

Something happened a few days ago---I'm not sure I've fully processed it just yet. We were in the middle of a reconnect/maintenance spanking(this was before the stomach bug hit) and everything just kinda fell apart. I dont know that I can really explain it.

It had been awhile since we had an opportunity for ttwd---I had shingles and then the holiday season came up. We finally had a  chance to reconnect and I was anxious for it, but if I would have had any idea how it would turn out, I wouldnt have been so eager.

Let me say before I go farther that alot of this may sound like I am blaming Ace and I am not. There have been problems with ttwd since we started and most of the blame lies with me.

Ace was trying to spank me, but after such a long separation from it, I needed much more than He was giving me(and more than He was willing to give me). And so, I "topped from the bottom", I tried to tell Him what to do, at first subtly and then I gave into frustration and shut down. I turned over on my back and refused to go any farther, and I employed my standard method of defense which is to clam up until He leaves me alone (btw, I cant think of a single time this has lasted very long, He always manages to break through it and get me talking, but I still find myself attempting it).

After a few apologies and questions (on His part) and alot of frustrated sighs and "I don't know" 's from me, I finally just blurted out that I am done. I'm done with this as it exists now. Ever since we started it, I have tried to make Ace into something He isnt. I feel like I am holding this giant cookie cutter and trying to stuff Him into it's shape. It just doesnt work that way. It has to be something He wants, not just something thats done out of obligation and because its what I want.

Yes, yes, and yes I know I am being selfish. I know what you are thinking. Jesus Christ, that girl gets to live with quite possibly the world's best husband, who although its a foreign idea, has been willing to adopt and attempt the role of a Top and give her a lifestyle that some can only dream of! What the hell is she thinking?!?! What a self-serving little b%^&#! Yeah, I know......believe me. I know. That would be more than enough for just about any woman seeking this lifestyle. So why isnt enough for me?

Good question. See above description of myself for starters. I dont know why its not enough for me. It absolutely should be. To have my Ace, who would change everything about Himself on a whim just to please me........what woman wouldnt want that??? Of course I do.

And then again, no I dont. Not for me. I want Him to want this for Himself.......does that make sense? Reading that paragraph above, there is a glaring problem there. It lies in the idea of Him changing everything about Himself just for me. Thats just not right. Thats not fair to Him and its not fair to ask it of Him. I want Him to want this if HE wants it, not because He(out of love) wants to please me. Yes, thats a wonderful thing, that He would do that, to fulfill my desires. But its also leaving me with this intense, nagging feeling that its all for and about me. See that? I feel selfish either way. I'm being selfish if I want it and ask Him to change just for me, but I'm also being selfish by not appreciating what I have and the sacrifices He is making for me. Believe me, it takes quite a talented little b%^&#  to pull that off.

Another thought----if I'm asking Him to change everything about Himself to please me, and expecting certain behaviours from Him.......where the heck is the submission in that? For me, thats exactly what I would view as "topping from the bottom". I'm telling Him who and what to be, because its what I want and expect. How can I realistically ask Him to fulfill a role of dominance over me when I am the one shaping that role and telling Him how it works?  Thats bound to fail. And it has.

And so, I made the decision that I didnt want to do ttwd anymore, and I told Him so. I was expecting Him to agree, we both know its not working the way it is. But, He disagreed about ending it. He told me He still wants to try it and He wants me to help Him learn more. I'm struggling with that idea, because I cant help but feel like I have been leading this for too long and I just dont want to do that anymore. I feel if I continue to try to shape this and define it, for either of us, then I am still controlling it. I would still have the power to show Him what I want Him to see, or plant ideas in His mind to suit myself.

Our perspectives have changed. I dont know if I want to do this anymore, and He thinks we should still try it. Maybe thats a good sign.......that I have completely given up and laid it down for Him to either take up for us or bury. He asked for a starting place to look up information and I gave it to Him in the form of the Learning Domestic Discipline blog and one other one as well. I woke up from a nap yesterday to find Him at the computer reading, with a full page of questions written out in front of Him. The night of our disagreement, we had a long talk about different roles and aspects of ttwd but I was holding firm to the idea of ending it, so I opened up and shared everything I knew with Him thinking it would be going to the grave. He has done the last thing I would have expected, which is to take off and start finding things for Himself (He has followed links to other blogs/sites from the first two) and the idea has come up to use this blog as a way of gathering information. I am still not sure how I feel about it, but the time may come soon where questions are posted here (that may even seem obvious or trivial) but we are seeking answers or advice on. If that happens, know that we would appreciate any and all answers given.

This is long, I am going to end it. I'm in a rather confused place right now. We've  not had a chance to talk about this much since that night, so neither of us are sure with how to proceed here. For now, I've given it up but it would seem Ace is still reading/gathering information and trying to decide. The final decision rests with Him now. I'll go back to it if He wants to, if not then we will have to let it go. Being honest, that would be difficult (this is my ideal lifestyle) but He means more to me than that. Right now, all I want is what He wants for us. Whatever that ends up being, it will be enough.

~sugar (and Ace)