Trouble, with a capital T! :{

Well, I've done it this time.

I have gotten myself into a great big mess.

I screwed up big time.

Let me start out by saying that it wasnt just one thing, but a bunch of little things that have cropped up and led to this. To start, I've encountered sexism in my workplace when I found out (through admission on a co-worker's part) that a male employee who was hired last week has been started off at higher wages than I have been working for in the year and a half I have been with the company. Chauvanism/sexism is one of my biggest pet peeves, I just cannot tolerate it. Knowing this coworker is making more than me after working only 2 days, I went to my boss and requested a raise. I was flatly refused, "not enough money in the budget" for that or so I was told but there was more than enough to pay my male coworker more than me, despite the fact that I have been there longer and work harder than he does. This means that every other person who does the same job as me, gets paid more than I do.

On top of that, there was an issue that came up with Ace's mom. She is a nurse, and my daughter has had some rather serious medical issues going on, and my mother in law used her advantage as a nurse to get to test results and private information on my daughter that I was not even given (this isnt the first time she has done this). She then gleefully threw it up in my face, and I got ANGRY! Combined with the above situation, I was fed up! I was being disrespected on all sides, my feelings and worries stomped across at every opportunity, and it just came to a nasty head.

I did something very bad.

I called the hospital where my mother in law works, and asked to speak to the director of nursing. The same director that handles all complaints lobbed at that hospital. I wasnt able to speak to her directly then, but I left a message with a fake first name only, reporting a HIPAA privacy violation.

And then I told Ace what I had done.

Thats the first time, in seven years, He has ever raised His voice and actually yelled at me. All kinds of accusations came out, including that I was "spiteful" and just trying to get his mom fired for revenge. Needless to say, that really really really hurt. And it made me that much angrier.

My immediate reaction was to storm out. I made it as far as the car before I broke down and lost it. After allowing myself to cry out the hurt, the anger took over. I was done, with all of it.

And so, I very calmly walked back into the house, into the bedroom, retrieved a duffel bag from the closet, and began packing.

I was tired and hurt and angry and I was walking away from all of it. It had been a long time coming, the family situation between myself and my inlaws has always been tense and had become even more so in the last few months. Every time I did something, it was criticized. Everytime I said somthing, they were quick to speak over me or to prove me wrong and if they couldnt to get huffy and then ignore me for awhile. I never have had stable parents. My parents gave me up when I was very young, and I was adopted into a violently abusive home. I guess when I married Ace, who came from a well-to-do family with successful parents who had always been there for their children, I saw an opportunity to have---for the first time ever----a set of parental figures in my life. Only this week, after all this time, have I come to the realization that they will never fill that role for me. No one will. I am 27 years old, and I have never had, nor will I ever have, parents who give a rats ass about me.

There was a whole lot of hurt going on. A whole lot of anger and frustration. I couldnt deal with it anymore. And so I did the unthinkable. I began to pack.

Ace was having none of it. If He was angry before, He was doubly so now. He barricaded me into the bedroom for over 3 hours, refusing to let me leave, and demanding that we talk about all of this.

It was a very, very long 3 hours. I laid everything out on the table and so did He, and then we were left broken, with only each other, trying to put us back together. We both agreed on a few things (trying to put at least a little space between us and His parents for starters) and disagreed on others. I was still adamant that His mom had violated our privacy personally and that someone should know. He agreed, but was not going to allow me to report His mom directly. He did allow that I can report a violation but I cannot use her name or the department she works in.

As we talked through the mess, we both calmed down and began to realize just what the other person has had to deal with. I told Him everything, all my doubts and worries knowing that His family still feels that our marriage was a mistake in judgement on His part and my near constant fear that they will convince Him of the same. Sounds paranoid, and maybe it is somewhat, but its always there. He has been feeling the same condecension and arrogance from His parents and He is also constantly worried about His grandmother (whom we live with) who is getting crazier by the day, to the point that she can no longer even stay by herself in the house without almost starting a fire or some such nonsense.

<insert guilt trip here> The more He talked, the more I began to realize just how much He had been pushing down and holding back too. Unfortunate that it happened this way, but it gave us both the opportunity to yell, to cry, to be angry, to hurt, and then to come back together.

I am so glad for that last part. After we had talked through everything, we spent some time just talking quietly together about a few other things and just being together, healing.

That was Saturday. Yesterday, we were both feeling a little tense, kinda walking on eggshells around each other, neither of us exactly sure how to move on. He was still filled only with concern, and I was just tired and wanted a bit of space to process the craziness I had just caused.

What I found was that I was selfish and allowed too many things to bother me for too long, and I took that out on the only one person I can depend on in this world. I had jeopardized our relationship, as well as other relationships in a moment of anger.

He has had time to process also. Initially, He had only concern for me and getting me to talk it out with Him.
But now, He knows that I am alright and we are ok together and that I will not destroy His family. And now, its His turn to be angry, to be disappointed. I hurt Him. That wasnt the intention, but it happened. I put alot of things at risk by forgetting myself and giving in to my hurt/anger. That will have to be addressed.

Right now, four things are laying out on our bed. The wire carpet beater, the belt, His mandatum paddle, and the martinet.

I know He has forgiven me, but I messed up big time and there needs to be a consequence, a reminder of everything I could have lost just by losing my temper. He deserves the right to be angry still, not hate anger but righteous anger---the kind that establishes Him as the leader of this house and brings me back to Him. The kind that melts my stubborn heart and then wraps me back up in love.

I'm not looking forward to the process, but I want---more than anything----that result.

~sugar