Aftermath

I had something better planned for this post, but I'm tired and I don't have the energy to put more into it.

If you read the last post, you know we had a rough patch.

I wish I could say it has all resolved itself and life is peachy again.

Fact is, I screwed up.  Big time. And I paid for it.

That was the hardest He has ever been on me--the first time He has spanked me hard enough that it made me physically ill. He had to stop sooner than planned as my body literally pulled out the big guns and made me get sick as a defense mechanism. Since He had to stop physically, I finished my punishment staying up late, writing two full pages of lines.

Being honest, that was more than a little scary. To have my body react so violently. There was still alot of emotional hurt, I'm sure that didnt help anything.

Ace had asked me to really evaluate what my motives had been regarding His mother. He couldn't fully understand where I was coming from. All He could see was the possible consequences waiting for her. To Him, it wasnt about respect, but revenge.

I can understand that. I did what He asked. I took some time and really thought about it. 

I want more than anything to let my fingers type that gaining some respect truly was my only intention.

Truth: alright, I wanted revenge. I was angry, she hurt me one time too many, and I wanted---just one time---to knock her down a peg. There I said it.

I had to admit that to Him too, which was not easy. It made accepting the consequences that much harder.
I knew I was wrong to lose my temper and threaten Him, but I had presented a pretty good case for wanting just a little more respect for myself and my child. He agreed, but He also saw through it. He saw more, boiling up under the surface. He broke down my self-righteousness, I couldnt use it as a mask for my anger.

As I said in the last post, He agreed that I could make a report to the hospital when Ms. C. called me back, but I could not use His mother's name or the department she works in.

I decided................not to. Report anything. Ms. C. called back----I let the phone ring. Because like it or not, I will never have that woman's respect. This wouldnt change anything, it would just make life more difficult for Ace. I couldnt do that to Him. I know what its like to live without a mother. I would rather be stomped across every day than cause Him that same pain. I cant be responsible for doing that to Him.

And so, this whole ca-fuffle was a waste---I got the hardest spanking of my life............over nothing. Over something I could do something about, but wont, because the cost is just too high.

I've learned..........to shut up. That martinet---the "shut-her-up-er"---is a powerful persuasion tool.

There's more to life than me, my opinions, my frustrations. I paid a price for voicing them, and I could have lost everything allowing for that one moment.


There's still alot of hurt---I'm dealing with it. Knowing I will never have parents I can rely on, seeing just how very much I have to lose, the constant disapproval/disappointment of the black sheep in a snowy white family, the welcome mat at the door of life just waiting for the next set of shoes to walk across.

Thats life. It sucks. And I'm dealing with it.

(I'll be ok).  ~sugar