These last few weeks...part 1

Its been a crazy couple of weeks. I've started posts and erased them more times than I can count, debating whether to share or keep holding everything in. So, this will probably end up long and garbled, but its at least two weeks of posts I've been holding back.

I've been having a hard time dealing with a situation that happened a few weeks ago--that led to more situations here at home, and all combined have left me feeling hurt and confused and disappointed. It actually started because of the way Ace was handling me--or, I should say wasn't handling me. His perspective/strategy changed--instead of disciplining for things wrong or giving maintenance to keep me on the right track, He decided to use a strategy of only giving me a spanking for good behavior (His reasoning being if he spanked me for something I was doing wrong, he would be giving attention to it and me, and therefore encouraging the negative behavior to continue). And so, He began ignoring all negative behavior, but that process was making me feel ignored as well. I wasn't looking for a spanking, I didn't purposely act out or brat even knowing He would ignore it. This became a problem even more so when positive behavior was getting ignored too. After more than a month of not being spanked at all, its hard not to take that personally, to feel like whether I was good or bad made absolutely no difference. Adding to the situation was the summer class I was taking--I was having a hard time making myself focus on this class and do the work. I think this was mostly because I am almost finished with school (only one more class) but its taken me a long time, and its been a crazy process for me. I've started and completed 90% of three different programs, only to find they weren't what I wanted to do and then I would switch to another. Now I'm one class away from finishing one of those, but the overwhelming feeling for me is not one of accomplishment for finishing one, but failure for giving up on the other two and how long its taken me just to complete one.

Of course, I took this issue to Ace. He employed the new strategy--He would not spank me for it because He felt it would teach me to continue to procrastinate and make me that much more inattentive to schoolwork. That wasn't helping me. It was leaving me feeling uncared for on top of the focus issue I was still trying to deal with.

And so, I took the issue to someone else. My first real foray into the adult world outside of my own home--the people were nice, but I don't know if I was completely ready for it. By that, I mean I was feeling more than a little overwhelmed/intimidated from the start (which I'm sure was more than evident) and fate jumped in to make a mockery of me. It took a lot of planning to make one situation line up and in a matter of moments it turned into one of the most awkward situations I think I have ever had and I am sure takes the cake for most bizarre the other person has encountered to date. I told Ace before we even left home that it almost felt as if we were trying too hard to make something work, that if it was meant to be it probably wouldn't be that hard. More than a little of that fear/doubt was at play as well. To their credit, the others in this situation handled it gracefully, and for that I am thankful to them.

The professor I had for the summer class taught something I will never forget. Its a way of looking at life in which you analyze the cost--positive and negative, for you and others---to everything you do. Every action you take in life changes the course of your life in some way, and the course of others as well. These changes are the cost of the choice and affect more than just one person, so according to this theory each and every way a choice that can affect you or anyone else should be weighed before that choice is decided on. It gets overwhelming when you really start to think about it, so that's all I will say about it in terms of explanation. I've been thinking about this a lot--especially as it pertains to the situation mentioned above. I walked away from that situation feeling as though it had helped me, but there has definitely been a cost to it, both in terms of others and for Ace and I.

I'm not going into the first one. But I will explain what I mean about the cost to us, which has been both positive and a very little bit negative. Lets get the negative out of the way first, shall we? Coming home from vacation is always hard for me. Its the return to everyday life and responsibilities I was only too happy to put away for a week. I was feeling a little emotional and there was still the issue of how we were--or weren't--working. On top of that, there was an issue regarding miscommunication related to the situation I mentioned above. Ace knew what was happening and why, but He was also upset that I had taken the issue to someone else. Not angry, but more like hurt/confused. I didn't understand why He felt that way--I had brought it to Him, He couldn't/wouldn't address it, so I took it somewhere else when the opportunity came. Take it from experience, its very difficult to explain that to your HOH without making them feel guilty or sound like you are blaming them for it. He thought He was doing what was best, and I told Him many times that I understood that but this strategy just wasn't working.

I told Him I thought it might be in our best interest to stop, as we really weren't engaging in this way of life anyway. He disagreed. We had a long talk about it and rearranged quite a few things. Ace was still working through the miscommunication issue. In short, it came out to a difference in me feeling like I had made clear that the new way of doing things was not working, and Him feeling as though it was incorrect and he could recognize that now, but I hadn't made clear to Him just how this was hurting me and He really had not realized it. I accepted His apology and took a spanking to clear the air/remind me to communicate my needs clearly with Him. This is actually the positive part :) It took a lot of talking and a spanking but we are back on the same wavelength and the reminder was needed.

There have been other positives as well. We have not returned to the way we were before the failed strategy, but have redesigned everything. Ace has been very firm--after our long talk, He set up how we are going to be, which includes rules He will be making for me. I wasn't sure if it would really happen at first, but He was serious about it. He has been making rules for me, and after one warning its been an automatic spanking earned every time so far (which has only been once, but it was a cold (no warm-up) spanking with one of our worst implements so I know what to expect...ouch!). He has also put in place maintenance, or "just because", spankings to address small issues that aren't rules but need to be talked about, or just to use as time for us to be alone and if there are no issues, to play the fun way :) :) 

And so I am enjoying the newness while trying to let go of some guilt/doubt/hurt from other things. I cant change what happened, or the way others feel about me (even though I don't feel they've see who I really am).

 I'll post part 2 separately as it will probably be long as well. It deals with other issues that have come up in the family, and the reason my love has just whispered to me that I'm getting spanked tonight. <sigh>

~sugar