Last night.....

Ok, so I am not going to go into details here about the little thing that started all of this----it was a stupid, silly, little thing that I overlooked and He held me accountable for. And as much as it hurt, I'm glad I have that from Him. I desperately need someone to be accountable to......He is stepping into that role.

So, just that small thing.......no big deal. Except..........I have this one little thing that was bothering me. It's called a conscience and doggone it, the darn thing works overtime on me. (I was just reading A loves Z, and I can completely relate to what Ashley was saying! We've lived the same thing this week with those nagging little voices!)

I honestly didn't think what I did was all that bad. We were sitting together on the couch, discussing the other incident when I found myself blurting out something much bigger.

That particular day, we had an issue come up at the house that required His presence to deal with. Normally, we go to our daughter's school to have lunch with her, but this was one day that Ace told me to go alone as He needed to stay at home. And so, I went and spent some time with my daughter and then came home. Later, we were headed out the door to run a few errands before picking our daughter up from school. Ace took advantage of the privacy afforded us in the garage and gave me a few hard swats, after which I jumped into the driver's seat. We ran about town and finished all of the things we needed to do and then went to the school a few minutes early.

This is where I had my second "oh crap" moment. It was at this time that I realized I had been driving both times without my driver's license on me. I really never even thought about it until that moment. Normally I keep it in the bag I carry with me to work so I have it on me when I am driving back and forth. It never occurred to me to take it with me yesterday. I already knew Ace was driving home, and we were in public, so I tried to swallow down the "oh crap" feeling and move on. After all, nothing had happened and even if I would have been stopped, I have a clean record and the police in this town know our family (because Ace's dad works in the ER at the hospital so he has had to conduct business with them all at times and he is friends with a few of them otherwise) so I am pretty sure I would have gotten a warning at the worst. So, no harm done..........right???

Yeah, nope. No such luck. It was just killing me for the rest of the day. I already was preoccupied with the coming session, and I knew this wasn't something I was gonna be able to keep to myself. Nothing happened, but it could have and it could have cost me a ticket.

Fast forward to the evening. We were sitting together on the couch, discussing the other incident. There was a break in the conversation where neither of us was speaking---He was engrossed in the ball game and I was being hammered by my conscience and the anxiety of what was coming. And then, I found myself telling Him that I had something I needed to tell Him. He asked if it was something to do with the previous incident and I told Him no, it was something He didn't know about yet. Suffice to say, baseball no longer existed at that moment.

He encouraged me to tell Him and listened carefully. I had absolutely no idea how He was going to react, but I was not expecting the reaction I got at all!!!!

Have you ever heard the term "righteous anger"? My grandma used to use that all the time. She also used to call it getting quietly angry. And let me tell you, quiet anger is much MUCH scarier than loud anger. That smoldering look..........<shiver>   He was angry, and it honestly scared me because this man has the patience of a saint and never gets this way with me. I have seen Him close, but never actually to this point.

To be honest, I was more than a little confused and surprised. It didn't seem like that terrible of a thing to me. What I didn't realize is that His mindset had gone to a whole different place. I would find this out later.

The issue was no longer about the smaller incident or even the plain fact of driving without a license. His big issue with me became........responsibility. He was angry that I knew better than these things and yet I had done them anyway with little or no thought. <gulp>

I couldn't argue. He was right, and I knew it. And of course, by this time, before the scolding and spanking even started I was feeling very small and chastised. I knew better.

And so, He decided things are going to change. Before He spanked me, I was informed that a few things are going to become rules for me. The first involves taking responsibility around the house (stemming from the smaller incident earlier) and I am never, ever to be in a car---even passenger---without my license.

This is a very big change for us. Ace has never, ever set down rules for me. And there has never really been any accountability for things like this specifically. I'm not exactly sure whats next for us, but this is definitely something I need. My parents set very specific rules for me and my siblings and we were held to them. As much as I hated it then, I can recognize now that I badly need that that structure and someone to answer to.

And then, the hardest part. This was a real discipline spanking. It changed my headspace completely----I was feeling very nervous and humbled by the control He had taken over me. There was no warm-up and no sympathy. He spanked me very hard with His hand and the silver hairbrush. I am sure this was the hardest spanking I have ever had for two reasons. First, He has never been truly angry with me when He has spanked me before, and I could feel the difference in His tone and His hand. Second, although there was little to no marking afterwards (none today) after He stopped, I had intense pain in my hips that brought me to tears.

Ace never strikes me on my hips-----its my most sensitive area and it is one thing I have asked Him never to do with me. He has always honored that---even on this night when He was quite upset with me. So for the record, it was not because He had spanked me there. I had taken more hard strokes with the brush than ever before and I think that pain just spread and registered differently. That pain, combined with having confessed to Him and been punished, was what brought me to tears.

To be honest, there wasn't a whole lot of comfort afterwards (not that I deserved any). He was concerned about the pain I was feeling and the difficulty I had with moving, but it was late and He had work to do, so He more or less left me to think about what had happened and gather myself. I tried to get a few things done, but was having a really hard time moving around, so after about fifteen minutes I gave up and laid down on the couch. He found me there sleeping a little while later, kissed me goodnight, and went to bed Himself.

Before you get too concerned, I am better today. I was a little stiff this morning and I could definitely still feel the effects of last night, but I am not permanently damaged or injured. I learned a hard lesson, and it's not one I am likely to forget soon.