Communication

So, I was thinking about my last post alot after I read it. Read and responded to comments, and thought some more. I was looking at the very real possibilty of ending this lifestyle for good.

I knew we needed to talk about this. Ace had no idea I was feeling this way about ttwd, and I knew I couldnt decide to end it without telling Him why. I waited until I had a few minutes alone yesterday afternoon, and wrote Him a email with my thoughts and feelings. I didnt tell Him, or ask Him to read it but waited for Him to find it.

He spanked me last night---and it completely confirmed how I was feeling. It was flat, empty---virtually nothing was said between us and afterwards He went back to His office to work and I fell asleep. It just confirmed to me that this has become a chore, there is no substance to it whatsoever. And I knew then that its not working and its time to call it quits. I resigned myself to the idea of  returning to a vanilla life.

This morning, I was working on homework when Ace came in and asked to talk to me. And talk we did. We spent the next three hours just talking about ttwd and our feelings about it.

And I discovered that Ace was feeling exactly the same way I was. He, like me, had no idea how to go about saying it or changing it. I discovered that He doesnt want to stop this lifestyle but He agrees that where we are now is not working. He admitted being unsure of what to do and being too dominant in the relationship for fear of damaging me physically or emotionally and my heart just melted. He has so much love and concern for me that He couldnt see going any farther than the very littlest bit we have done. I erased His fears and concerns and He erased mine. He told me He does want to be in this fully but He has not been fully committed to the idea and it has just degenerated as a result. I had no idea He felt as He did. Some of the things He said really surprised me. He has just as many ideas and as much desire to move forward with this as I do but had no way to tell me.

Of course, I had doubts. I asked Him, several times, if He is doing this because its what He wants or what He knows I want. The answer wasnt what I was expecting (He said both). I was expecting Him to acknowledge doing this for me and because He loves me ( a very good reason) which He did but He made it very clear that He also wants to continue this journey. We picked apart my email to minute details and discussed where we go from here. We talked about different kinds of dominance: in our household the difference in dominance when He is punishing me as opposed to when we are playing/making love; in public, how He speaks to me and acts (I asked Him to be more dominant here) and He mentioned extending this on a smaller scale to other interactions as well (difficult to explain). We talked about different actions and implements for punishment and for other things; about Him taking more control over the household and me. He asked me to think about this more and email Him exactly what I am thinking of for us and ttwd.

I'm feeling a little nervous and excited about this whole thing. I want to believe this change will happen, we desperately need to change here, but there is one little part of me that is raining on the parade, one nagging little voice warning me not to get too excited about it just yet.

But at least now I know I am not alone. And if we work together, we just might make it work.