Better

So, if you read my last post you know I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself the last few weeks. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but something--or alot of things--threw me through a loop. I've been trying to pull myself back out of it, or at least pretend to. It was bothering Ace to see me like that, so I've been putting on the "happy" for Him so He wont worry about it. Thats not helping me feel any better, beside knowing I'm not bugging the hell out of Him. We've been really far apart from each other---He doesnt understand whats going on with me, and I dont know that I really do either and even if I did the last thing I want to be doing right now is trying to explain to Him why I feel so messed up. He's giving me alot of space right now--He spends most of His time in the man cave  office, and I wont disturb Him when He's there. I dont want to be bothering Him with this--I have to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and get it fixed. I'll get there. Until then He's doing the safe thing, which is avoiding me for the most part. I dont blame Him for that at all.

There have been a few times we've been together over the last few weeks---rarely just the two of us, but not in a huge crowd of people either. Conditions with His family have not changed--its not going to change. I think this is alot of why He is away from me so much----He doesnt understand my animosity towards His family, and He cant sympathize with my feelings about them because He doesnt feel the same way, nor does He think I should feel that way. He hasn't been harsh with me or anything, but if His family comes up He defends them. I can understand that---He has been their son/brother for much longer than my Husband, so His natural instinct is to protect them from me, while trying to give me time/space to sort myself out. As I said, He's not been harsh, but the attitude He seems to exude is more like "Get over it, this is how they are". I will, I just need some time I guess.

I've been spanked (tapped) a few times over the last few weeks--I think its been twice in like 3 weeks, which is basically not at all for us. Thats pretty much been put on hold, until I get myself to a better a place. He knows I am not in a place emotionally where I can accept much from Him in this area, and as I said above, we are more apart than together right now, so that has alot to do with it too.

I'm trying to get better--to be better. Its much easier to fight with someone else than with yourself. Knowing that I am pushing Him away, and that this hurts Him too has been a big factor in my mind. I'm feeling guilty about this--I dont want Him to be away from me and I am trying not to hurt Him with my feelings. I'm trying to look ahead and push past this stuff so we can come back together the way we need to be. Our anniversary is coming up soon, and I want to be better for Him, so we can go back to where we used to be. I've made a mess of things, and I'm trying to clean it up. I'm trying to run away from me and back to Him. I thought I could just make myself stop, but there's been much more to it than that---I've found I cant just turn it off. There is a whole process I've been going through---places I've gone then had to fight back from. And I'm almost done. I'm getting better--feeling better---and I'm almost back to where I need to be. I'm almost there.......I'll be there soon.

~sugar