Processing....

Its been an overwhelming couple of weeks.

I hardly know what to write. I know there are things I want to say....

I'm feeling really alone.

I miss my dad. 

I've had no one to share this with. My family is so caught up in petty bickering and in fighting, they cant see how much this hurts, how much they are hurting me. 

I had to make the hard decisions, the ones no daughter ever wants to make for her father. There was no will, only verbal wishes remembered from long ago. I did what I thought he wanted. My family hates me for this. I didn't wait for them to stop fighting. I honored my father by respecting his last wishes. I won't be petty and childish, and play their games, and they hate me for it. 

This is one of those hinging moments--those ones where you know nothing is ever going to be the same. My whole world changed, and I didn't want it to. I wasn't ready. 

Ace is doing what He thinks is best, giving me space to grieve and process. I understand what He is doing, but I need someone to hold me, to make me feel safe right now.....the one person I always knew would put his arms around me and shelter me, no matter what, is gone. 

I don't have anyone to protect me now, to buffer the hard parts of growing up, to even shield me from the viciousness of my own family. 

I am his fifth child. I was "the little one", the one born far too soon, tiny and weak and he was so very protective of me. 

I miss him.

I feel so very very alone. 

~sugar