So, I've been sick this last week and feeling pretty sorry for myself about it too. Decided I would go to work 3 days in a row and compound it (of course). Ok, so I get really really cranky when I am sick. Add to that the fact that I couldnt sleep at all for several nights in a row and I was one frustrated and bitchy individual. He knew I was feeling ugly so we skipped maintenance this last week(which I appreciated at the time but in reality compounded the situation more as I had started in a downward spiral that I couldn't pull myself back out from). Needless to say, I was out of control and I felt it. By the end of this week I was feeling completely lost-my attitute was way out of line and my temper kept flaring at the smallest things. He kept His patience through it all(how I dont know) and accepted all of my mistakes with only love or the very gentlest of (verbal) reprimands. Throughout it all, I knew what I was doing was wrong(my conscience gabbed my ears off) but I was far too full of myself and feeling miserable to care.
And of course, it proved true. I dont think words can really even describe how I feel looking back at it (I am doing the "holy crap, was that even me?!?!?" thing right now). Everything that I write about, everything I desire to be--lost in a few moments of weakness. This may just end up being one of the hardest parts for me--learning to control myself at all times(as opposed to justifying myself with the knowledge of accepting a punishment in exchange later). That is not fair to Ace or to those who had to put up with me this week. Ultimately, its not fair to me either-- to lose myself and stray off of this path of submissiveness I so desperately want to be on. This is so frustrating for me. I want to be able to control myself at all times and to completely give up myself at the same time.
No matter how many times my conscience pricked me, I could not contain myself. No matter how many reprimands I received in love, I could not present myself to Him with a spirit of humility this week. I feel like I have failed on both counts--I could neither control my actions nor submit my will to Him.
And that hurts-- more than any spanking ever could.
5 comments:
I know only too well what you mean sugar and I sympathize with you. Sorry you were sick. Hope you are feeling better now.
Oh and yeah. It does hurt more than any spanking but... You do need to be spanked for this also, but of course that is only my opinion and it doesn't count here.
bree
I hope that you are over your sickness. Sorry that you were feeling so blue. :(
joey
Thanks Joey-my cold is gone so I am feeling much better in that respect.
Bree: Thank you for both reading and commenting (it counts to me!) I knew my behavior would earn me a spanking at the time(the problem was I just didnt care). Ace waited until I was feeling better-but He was keeping track of what I was doing. We talked about it last night(just before my post) and He gave me the hardest hairbrushing I have ever had(among other things). But my disappointment in myself still hurts alot (unfortunately that is not something a spanking can take away).
@Sugar We are only all human. Sometimes we are our own harshest critic. We have to learn to just forgive ourselves. If you didn't really care sugar, you would have never written about it.
Cheer up! You are a good peep.
I get grouchy when I am sick and/or don't get enough sleep either. sigh.
Anyone who doesn't get grouchy and irritable under those circumstances, isn't real. We are not robots.
Ummmm...hopefully you don't get sick that often. Just sayin'. giggles
bree
PS: I deleted my other comment because I made a spelling mistake. I am trying to keep a clean slate here. giggles
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