A lesson in submission

Ok, so this has been a theme for us for a while now---I have been trying so hard to bring myself to complete submission (thank God for Ace! He has been so amazing-both encouraging me towards it and waiting so patiently for me to get there! I never thought I would have so much difficulty with this-I thought it would simply be a matter of self-control but thats the problem. I wanted it so much that I couldnt stop trying to control every aspect of it. Only now am I realizing that control is not mine to have, its His and thats everything I could want). We had a discussion on submission the other night that completely broke me, after which I gave Him control over a very big part of myself(the most difficult test I have had so far). Little did I realize He had plans to test me again so soon! This is by far the most powerful moment we have ever shared.



Artwork by (the amazing) Kristen Jongen



I'm sitting in the recliner, reading(I actually had time for a book!!) when He walks into the room. He comes and stands in front of the chair and waits. I finish the sentence I am on then look up at Him questioningly.



"Can I help you?" I ask, teasing.

He puts one hand on each of the armrests, virtually locking me in the chair and looks me directly in the eyes.

Oh crap.

My eyes drop to the floor. My mind starts going in a million directions trying to single out what I've done. I come up with a few minor mistakes and I wonder if He is singling out just one or all of them together. He takes my hands and pulls me to my feet.

"Come with me" He says firmly, leading towards the bedroom.(Crap!!!)

He opens the door and flips on the lights, surprising me with a box sitting in the middle of the bed. I immediately head for the corner(by now I know what He expects) as my mind erupts into more turmoil over the contents of the box (please God, anything BUT another hairbrush!!!!). In a matter of moments, I sense Him walking up behind me and I close my eyes and brace myself for whats coming.

To my complete surprise, He turns me away from the wall and leads me over to the bed. We sit down facing each other and I survey the box(with no small amount of suspicion) out of the corner of my eye.

"Look at me". Not a request, a command I obey immediately. My heart constricts. This is the part I hate the most. The part where He is going to tell me what I have done and I will admit that yes I have (in fact) screwed up (again) and require (yet another) spanking.

"Do you remember what we talked about the other night?" His question catches me off guard.

"Ummm......... submission, Sir" I respond, wondering where this is going to.

"Right" He tells me with a little smile. "Here, I have something for you" He hands me the box "Open it."

I nervously take the lid off, revealing what looks like a long red scarf of silk. As I begin to lift it from the box I notice a similar piece, but black, underneath it. I look back at Him, questioning Him with my eyes.

"I dont understand..........." I begin and He cuts me off.  His eyes search my face as He gently reaches out and brings my wrists together, locking them in one powerful hand.

WHOA. His intention hits me like a ton of bricks.

OH HELL NO!!!!! I cant help but think it. (anyone who knows me, knows that being restrained (really restrained, not just held) is not something I can physically do--its always been a fear and it is something I have never permitted anyone to do to me).

My jaw drops to the floor and I stare at Him stupidly. Surely He knows better?

I let out a tiny laugh. "Its a little late for April fools jokes, dont you think?" I ask.

"Who's joking?" the deep rumble of His voice sends shivers through me. (Holy crap, He's serious!!!)

"Oh......Sir.......I just.........dont think that is something I can do........." My eyes drop down, knowing my answer will disappoint Him.

"Look at me" not a request, a command I obey immediately. "I know this scares you" He holds my head in His hands and looks straight into my soul "But I love you more than anything and I would never, ever harm you. I want you to trust me enough to submit to this" His voice is compassionate "Will you?"

Whoa. "I just dont know if I can, without fighting it Sir" I mumble. (My heart is screaming at me to submit but my mind is finding every excuse it can).

"But, you want to give up that fight though, isnt that right?" He asks. (Geesh, He came into this prepared!!)

I look up at Him gratefully and slowly nod--He knows exactly what I need to hear! He stands and pulls me into His arms for a moment of security before pushing me gently towards the corner. A few moments later, I again sense Him behind me. My fear becomes overwhelming and I begin to tremble.

"Calm down" His voice is quiet and gentle in my ear. He brings my hands behind me and I fight every urge to pull away as He binds my wrists together. I hear Him moving behind me again. Suddenly, everything goes black, and I barely resist screaming. Tears well up in my eyes behind the blindfold as He moves away from me.

Suddenly, I am sure I smell smoke from somewhere. My panic doubles as I frantically try to tell myself it is all in my head. I  take a deep breath to calm myself and the smell is unmistakable. Something's burning!!!! I immediately begin to fight the restraints on my wrists as tears pour down my face. An arm reaches around me, holding me and stopping me from wiggling. My words tumble over each other as I explain my fears to Him.

Right beside me, I hear a sound like air going out of a tire. I smell sulphur, then smoke and I am confused.

"Thats a match baby" His voice is tense "I lit the candles on the dresser". The candles!!!!!!! I almost faint with relief at His words.

"I'm sorry Sir" I apologize for my childishness. My disappointment is palpable. I feel Him close to me and I lean back into His chest, waiting for a reprimand I know I deserve.

"I want you to settle down now, baby" His voice is firm. "I'm right here with you". My whole being is relieved at His words and I feel new tears as He again moves away from me. I take a deep breath and commit to giving myself to Him entirely.

I hear the closet doors open and close. I feel His hands at my waist and my bottom makes contact with the cool air of the room. I close my eyes behind the blindfold as something swishes through the air, connecting with skin and leaving a fiery stripe in its wake. I try to focus on centering myself and breathing as I count nine more painful strokes that I now recognize must be from a switch. I brace myself, determined not to completely fail this test.

Twenty strokes later, the switching stops and I desperately try to collect myself.  He gently frees my wrists and removes the blindfold and I collapse into His arms. We move over to the bed and He lays me down carefully on my stomach. He gently soothes the marks from the switching and wipes away my tears. I cannot help but feel as though I have disappointed Him. I sit up carefully and brave a voice to tell Him so.

"You didnt disappoint me baby" He responds. " I know how hard that was for you to do. But you are still thinking about it too much. You need to let go--you want to let me have that control, dont you?"

My answer is immediate. "More than anything." He smiles at me.

"Then trust me to take it baby. Its the only way this is going to work". I nod in agreement and promise to try. He takes my hands and kisses each of my wrists then each of my eyes before settling me back down on the bed.

"Good" He responds  "Now go to sleep. I love you Mae".