Moving forward

We're still growing, still moving forward. Its a process right now as we are changing a lot of things around. Its surprising how many steps there are, how many bumps in the road we iron out just to get to the next one. All necessary of course, and its been good for us.

I had disagreed with something that happened last week. I had come home from work, tired and frustrated (and sick) and a situation arose in which I became even more upset and I allowed it to show a very little bit in both words and actions. According to Ace, I lost my temper. But I honestly felt like I was simply sharing my frustration. I kept my voice quiet, even though there was anger. I kept myself as calm as I could, I didn't slam doors or stomp or shout or do anything like that. But the little bit of frustration I let out came across to Him as though I was losing my temper.

As I mentioned before, He didn't address it that day. The next day, He told me I would be getting spanked for it. I fought the urge to run to Him all day, to tell Him that I disagreed and try to explain it away. Because a lot of times, I feel like certain people are provoking me, trying to get me angry and doing things they know are hurtful to me. The other person in this situation (not Ace) is one of those people. And its constant, and it hurts, and it gets old after awhile! I just was not in any mood to put up with that person's pettiness--on top of everything else--that day. And all of this was what I wanted to tell Him, but in the end I didn't because I thought He would think I was just making excuses and trying to get out of it. And so I kept it all in, and when He told me it was time, I allowed Him to spank me, even though I didn't agree with it.

And then, the other night He decided it was time for maintenance. I submitted again, at least for the first few minutes. But it was really harsh, harder than He had given me a few nights before for the temper issue (which is a rule) and it was confusing me--He was telling me it was to help me keep our rules at the front of my mind, but He was spanking me harder than He did for a punishment. It wasn't right and I finally asked Him for a moment to speak to Him. I started trying to explain, but I was feeling a little overwhelmed, and I once again worried that He would think I was just trying to stop Him or get out of the spanking. Unfortunately, it became one of those "never mind" moments, and He spanked me a little more before deciding to end it--He knew as well as I did that it wasn't working.

Finally, last night we talked about it. Actually, yesterday afternoon and evening both. We had a lot we needed to cover. And I tried something new--I went to Him, allowed Him to wrap me up in His arms, and I spilled it all out. About feeling set up by His family sometimes---there are times I swear they know He spanks me, and they provoke me to get me angry knowing I'll catch it later. I know its not true, it honestly feels that way sometimes. About feeling that I hadn't "lost it", on the contrary, with how terrible I was feeling, I had only allowed a very small part of my frustration to show, but even though I had controlled it, I still ended up being punished for sharing that little bit. And how that made me feel if I come home from work after a crappy day and I share that with him, or share frustration about anything else, it will come across wrong to Him and I will end up in trouble for it. Because of that, I've been coming home and telling Him everything was fine, and when the same family member moved from verbally abusive to physically aggressive I held it back and didn't tell Him, because I couldn't say it without there being anger in my voice and I didn't want to get spanked for it.

 I shared with Him that I don't know what the threshold is, how much I can say or let out before it becomes a broken rule. I didn't think I had broken it, He did. Clearly, we needed to redefine what this entails and where the limit is. We also needed to talk--and we did--about the maintenance issue. It took us some time to iron that one out, but we fixed it. I told Him I was worried He had ended the spanking too soon because He felt I was blaming Him when I tried to talk to Him about it---that I was just pointing out what He was doing wrong. Throughout this very long conversation, I found myself constantly saying that I didn't want Him to feel I was blaming Him, that a lot of this could sound like I was just pointing out mistakes He was making, and that's not true. This lifestyle is a lot of work to maintain, and I wasn't doing my fair share of it. He was trying His best, but He needed honest feedback, and He wasn't getting it.

That's always been the hardest part for me, opening up and communicating with Him. It sounds silly, but for me, its always been easier to pull into myself and hold everything in. This is how I have always been, and learning to open up has been a struggle for me. Last night was a big step--going to Him and letting it all out. I have to admit, it felt really good to just rest in His arms and let everything go, share all of my worries and all of the "wrong", and then move forward with Him, fixing and making things right as we went along.

And guess what became a rule? Yup, hiding. I'm not allowed to do it any more. He pulled me into His arms and told me that no matter what it is, I am not to hide anything from Him any more. Even if that means I am angry, or frustrated, or crazy emotional. He wants me to run to Him, wrap myself up in His arms, and together we will fix it just like we did last night.

Its a constant process, but we are moving forward, growing and learning together.

 And its been good.

~sugar