If you ask me....

I'll tell you I'm fine.


I'll tell you its getting better, and I'm "moving forward".


I'll put on a smile.



And I'll also be lying.


Its not getting better, and I feel like I am stuck here.

Days like today, I just feel like a fractured little girl who wants her dad.

I hate where I am right now. This point were there are moments where I feel happy and actually smile, then feel guilty for it. That is where I am--I can't feel happy without feeling like I am forgetting to be sad for my dad and feeling guilty for it. I'm not forgetting him, I couldn't. But I don't know how to do this. How do I move on? How do I let myself go back to being happy and smiling and actually being able to tell people I'm ok without lying or feeling guilty for it?

This is confusing. I don't know if I am making any sense. I'm just struggling with these feelings, ones I don't even know how to explain. I put on a smile and say good morning to people at work--as soon as they walk by its gone and all I can think about is putting my fist through a wall. I have a lighthearted conversation with a friend, then spend the next two hours locked in the bathroom, the only place I can go to be alone and cry, and wonder what they would think if they knew how weak I am, how very fragile I feel.

I'm tired of feeling this way.

I'm tired to pasting on smiles for everybody else.

I'm tired of telling very one that I am just fine.


If you ask me, that's what I'll tell you.


But I'll be lying.


~sugar