Broken

These last few weeks have been so difficult—my mind has been filled with doubt and fears, worries and guilt. People asked “whats wrong?” and I pasted on a smile and waved them off, when all I really wanted to do was scream. It came to an end Wednesday, when Ace took me in hand.

I had been struggling all day, fidgety and sullen, I couldn't find anything constructive to do for a distraction and was left at the mercy of my destructive mind. Semester grades were coming and I was sure I had failed my finals (I didn't) or ruined my GPA(didn't do that either). I had been fighting with myself for two weeks, trying to justify feelings I hated to acknowledge and loathing myself when I couldn't. I knew people could see it and my guilt was overwhelming me. Add a healthy dose of self-pity to the mix and I was a hot mess.

Ace walked in, to find me sitting in the rocking chair, staring out the window blankly. I could sense Him moving around me--turning on the television, talking to the cat--the sounds filtering into the chaos already playing in my head, annoying me. I took a book down off the mantle, opened it and tried to read. After reading the same spot several times(I still have no idea what it said), I grew frustrated at my inability to concentrate and slammed the book shut. Ace was there in a heartbeat, His face and voice held surprise and it was His turn to be annoyed.

“WHAT are you doing?” He asked “What's wrong?”

“Nothing” I said, tossing the book back where it was. A slow, deep ache started in my chest, pressing down and making me feel like I couldn't breathe. Ace brought His face close to mine and repeated His question in a quieter but firmer voice. I looked away from Him and shook my head. There was no way to answer. I felt Him move away and I was immediately relieved and angry that I couldn't tell Him. I heard Him moving through the house, then a few minutes later He was back.

“Stand up” He ordered, taking my hands and gently pulling me to my feet.

Oh great, I couldn't help but think, now I've made Him mad and He's gonna spank me.

Through all of the mayhem in my mind, I managed enough respect to lower my eyes and wait for His instructions. He turned me around and I tensed, waiting to feel His hand strike. Instead, I felt Him pull me into His arms, my back to His chest, holding me firmly. I fought the urge to struggle out of His grip, wanting to be away and hating myself for thinking it. He lowered His head to my shoulder and I could feel His breath on my neck as I started to drift away.

“I think we need to talk, don't we?” He said quietly. I closed my eyes and nodded.

He unwrapped me and took my hand, leading me into the bedroom. As soon as we entered, I moved toward the corner but He held my hand and pointed to the bed.

I climbed up on it, hardly caring what He was about to do. It could hardly compare to the ache I felt creeping across me . I draped myself across the bed and took, without sound or movement, the hardest beating Ace has given me to date. Nothing registered. I felt no pain whatsoever. I heard the sounds--the smack of His hand, the thud of paddles and belt- all sounding like they came from another room, maybe another planet. I laid, staring at the bookshelf, waiting for Him to be done.

After forty five minutes, the sounds suddenly stopped.

And from somewhere, I heard what sounded like a chuckle come from my person.

“You find this funny?” His voice registered only because it was angry. I certainly was not smiling, wasn't emoting in any way. I lifted my head off the bed just long enough to answer negatively. I heard Him sigh with frustration as I started to slip away again.

Just as I reached the brink of losing myself, I whispered the only thing that I felt.

“It didnt work.” Ace was beside me in a moment, turning me to my side so He could see my face.

“What did you say?” He asked. I shook my head and looked away from Him again, but He could tell I was trying to find words and waited for me patiently.

“It.........just..........didnt work” I mumbled “I'm broken”. I moved back over onto my stomach, turning my head away from Him again. I felt His hand on the small of my back and my mind exploded.

I just told Him this isnt working, why is He going to give me more?

His hand didnt strike though. Instead, I felt Him slowly begin to massage my back, working His way up to my shoulders. This I could feel and I hated myself for it. Why would He reward me like this? I turned on to my side to stop Him.

“I'm sorry” I said, not knowing what else to do. He pulled me into His arms immediately.

“So am I” He said “What did I do wrong? Was it too hard?” I could hear both fear and concern in his quiry. I shook my head.

“Its not you” I said “ I just can't feel.........” I trailed off.

“Do you have ANY idea of the concept of how hard a beating you just took?” His voice was incredulous “That's the hardest I have ever been on you”.

“I know” I answered quietly “I don't know what it is. I just have so much riding on me right now. There's so many doubts and worries. I just don't know if I am making the right choices and I don't wanna feel that way. I feel like I threw myself off a cliff and one part of me wants something to grab onto and then another part wants let go and enjoy the ride. There are so many things that could go wrong and so many more that could go right.....there is just so much. And then I have my grades too, and I'm scared I didn't do enough......I just don't wanna mess everything up..........Its all pressing down and me and it hurts and I can't make it stop.........” I am surprised at how quickly it all tumbled out.

His face was full of compassion as He pulled me back into His arms.

“You're stressed out, baby” He whispered quietly. He reassured me gently, encouraging me to talk to Him, to tell Him everything. I worked through it, trying my best to explain and come to terms with all the crap running around in my head. He listened mostly but it was His words that caught me off guard.

“You need a good cry, baby” He said.

I jumped and then looked at Him in complete awe. How did He know that? That is not something I could ever have imagined Him saying to me. He knew exactly what I needed, but my immediate reaction was to deny it. Crying is not something I do. I cannot just let myself go like that. Crying is for the weak, I thought to myself (although I have never agreed with that standpoint). He could see my turmoil as I thought about it and He rescued me from it.

“Do you need me to help you, baby?” He asked “What do you need me to do?”

I looked away from Him, unsure of what to do, and my eyes fell on the implements He had used on me earlier lying on the corner of the bed. I moved slowly towards them and picked up the wood back scratcher, turning it over in my hands.It was, by far, the worst implement in our arsenal. Would it work? I wondered to myself. Do I even want it to? I moved back over to Ace, averting my eyes as I handed the implement to Him. I gave Him my answer in a barely audible voice.

“I need you to spank me with that.........hard........until I can let this go”.

I braved a look at Him and saw His face was full of compassion for me. He pulled me in for another hug but when He gently pushed me away, I could see the change that had come over Him. He gently, but firmly laid me back down on my stomach. For the first time that day, I felt the dread of impending punishment and I knew this time I was going to feel it.

“Baby” I was not expecting His voice “I have whipped you hard once today” He said, running His hand over my bottom “You need to tell me if this becomes too much for you, do you understand?”

I nodded my head.

“No Mae, look at me” Not a request, a command I obey immediately.

“I want you to swear you will use your safe word if you need to” He was very serious and stern “Swear that you will”.

“Yes, Sir, I will” I promised, then returned to position.

He raised the back scratcher and crashed it down on my upturned bottom. The pain was immediate and intense. The next stroke followed shortly and left me breathless, a slow fight against the pain building up in me.

SMACK!!

On the third stroke, I felt my body start to release-the pain lifting off my chest and I felt like I was breathing for the first time as tears pricked at my eyes.

As He delivered the fourth stroke, Ace gently placed His hand on my back. It was that touch, such a small gesture, that did it. His love overwhelmed me and I began to cry.

Two strokes later, I was freely crying as I let go of all the stress and worry I had been carrying. Ace tossed the back scratcher away, gathered me in His arms, and held me until I cried out all the hurt I had been harboring. We lay spooning together as He gently soothed the pain away and whispered quiet nothings to me until I drifted away, this time into sleep.

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Two days and several conversations later, I am surprised as I sit here typing this out how very different I can feel in such a short amount of time. For the first time in weeks I feel relaxed and comfortable, ready to move on. Its a good feeling.