And so, it happened.
You guessed it....I got spanked.
Why?
Well.....there's a few good reasons. With everything that's been happening with family and our community, our lifestyle-while not completely on hold-has been pushed away. Oh sure, correction has happened when it needed to. But not a real, full spanking....more of an attention grabber or quick attitude adjustment. And so, it was definitely overdue.
Now the part I don't want to admit....with all the stress that's been happening with me, I ended up having two fender bender accidents with my car in the course of two weeks. Neither was serious, both involved me not paying attention. And while Ace has been tolerant of me and taking into account my emotional state, this is going to cost us money to have the car fixed and there's the fact that if I had been having attention issues on the road the way I have in the parking lot/garage (where the accidents each happened respectively), I could have had a much bigger problem.
And <sigh> that's not all of it my friends.....no no, because see when I do stupid things, I tend to do them in groups.....
The other day, I walked in from work and was greeted by Husband as always: "How did everything go? How are you?" kind of stuff. I made the stupid mistake of blurting out "Geeze, I thought for sure I was getting nabbed there!"
Crickets.
And then:
Him: "Why do you say that? _____ Mae, what did you do?" (full name....shit, I'm dead)
me: "Ummmm....well.....there's that Sheriff's car that always likes to park at the end of the road there so he can see people right when they come around the corner..."
Him: (edge creeping in to His voice) "That's not what I asked you is it?"
me: "Well, no...."
SWAT!
(So, that one happened before I ever even saw it coming guys....and can I just say....yowch!)
Him: "No what, first?"
me: "No Sir, I'm sorry"
Him: "That's better. Now....what did you do?"
me: (mumbling) "I might have driven home without my seat belt on"
Him:(angry) "You drove all the way home....without your seat belt on?"
me: "Well, it's only two miles....it's not that far!"
Him: "Does that really make a difference?"
me : "Well.....no, I guess not."
Suddenly, His hand was in my hair pulling it tight while His other hand moved to gently hold my throat.
Him:(quiet, but oh so very stern) "I don't know what's going on with you today, but you are having serious respect issues. You will not say another word. Go to the bedroom, remove all of your clothes, put the pillows in the middle of the bed, and wait for me....in the corner. Go now."
Damn.
Of course, He was obeyed, and I got a good solid spanking....for being disrespectful to Ace first, and for being stupid second. His hand was followed by the bamboo spoon, the leather paddle, Lexan, and a hard whipping with His belt.
After it was over and I had been held and told I was forgiven, Ace talked with me about the damage to the car, and how this session had been for disrespect and for engaging in a dangerous behavior, but out of love for me, He was forgiving the damage to the car as well and counting it all as paid for.
And so, the slate is once again clean....for a little while at least. You can bet your bottom dollar I'm wearing my seat belt both to and from work every day, lesson learned! The respect issue has taken longer for me to forgive myself for. I am, and always will be, a true submissive....I truly don't know what got into me that day, or why I couldn't see (until later) how disrespectful I was being to Ace. That's not ever where I want to be, and I am so thankful to have Him in my life to correct me and guide me back to the path I long to be on with all my heart...even when my mouth doesn't always cooperate!
I'm a lucky girl.
All the best,
~sugar
Thursday, February 15, 2018
Thursday, January 18, 2018
It's been awhile......
Wow, I can't believe how long its been since I've even visited my own blog!
So catching up:
Life has thrown some serious curveballs at me this past year. In the space of 12 months I have lost one of my siblings and another is currently missing, believed to have passed away but has not yet been found.
We (Ace and I) faced a very dark time in October of 2016 as my sister had just passed away and then we faced a police inquiry on a false charge brought against us regarding our child. In the course of that inquiry, the lifestyle we lead was brought up and attempts were made to use that as proof of some kind of wrongdoing against our child (which would never, ever happen in a million years) and it subsequently lead to many doubts/fears about continuing our lifestyle after being so demonized for it. It was truly one of the hardest times of my life.
But we rallied. As we always do. And just when we got through that hard time, the phone call that would send us spiraling again came through....
The last few months of 2017 have been surrounded by sadness, confusion, and loss that has continued into these first months of 2018. We're fighting as hard as we can, once again against an incredible loss of a loved one and once again against false charges being hurled at us....
I promise its not all gloom and doom, although it certainly sounds and feels that way sometimes. We are taking the high road always, and just as before, those who are bringing these charges against us will find out very quickly that within our personal lives and within our community involvement, we govern ourselves with integrity and are above any reproach. What we do as a couple in our private lives is not unlawful, harmful, or in any other way criminal nor is it any of any one else's business despite what they may think or any attempt to use it against us.
Ace remains as ever my one true love and the one I wrap myself up in and around during these storms. He lets me cry, scream, or rant when I need to, but applies a loving hand when needed too. He knows, and I'll admit, that I don't want to be a spiteful or vindictive person although far too often that's the side of me that comes out. And then He's there to lovingly correct and set me back on the path we both know I should be following. Throughout all this difficult loss and times of darkness, He has been right there to dry my tears, hold me, and guide me through it. I don't know what I would do without Him, I can't imagine how I would have gotten through this without Him beside me.
I started a new job in the fall of 2017 and I absolutely love it! My new co-workers are caring and supportive, and I work in a fantastic place! :) I wish I could say more, but it is quite unique and would give my identity away quickly, so I'll just stick with saying I love it! :)
And so life continues on. I am going to try to get back to this blog and start writing again. I have missed it, and all of you my dear readers. I'll be writing when I can, I look forward to re-connecting both with the experience of writing and with you.
All the best,
~sugar
So catching up:
Life has thrown some serious curveballs at me this past year. In the space of 12 months I have lost one of my siblings and another is currently missing, believed to have passed away but has not yet been found.
We (Ace and I) faced a very dark time in October of 2016 as my sister had just passed away and then we faced a police inquiry on a false charge brought against us regarding our child. In the course of that inquiry, the lifestyle we lead was brought up and attempts were made to use that as proof of some kind of wrongdoing against our child (which would never, ever happen in a million years) and it subsequently lead to many doubts/fears about continuing our lifestyle after being so demonized for it. It was truly one of the hardest times of my life.
But we rallied. As we always do. And just when we got through that hard time, the phone call that would send us spiraling again came through....
The last few months of 2017 have been surrounded by sadness, confusion, and loss that has continued into these first months of 2018. We're fighting as hard as we can, once again against an incredible loss of a loved one and once again against false charges being hurled at us....
I promise its not all gloom and doom, although it certainly sounds and feels that way sometimes. We are taking the high road always, and just as before, those who are bringing these charges against us will find out very quickly that within our personal lives and within our community involvement, we govern ourselves with integrity and are above any reproach. What we do as a couple in our private lives is not unlawful, harmful, or in any other way criminal nor is it any of any one else's business despite what they may think or any attempt to use it against us.
Ace remains as ever my one true love and the one I wrap myself up in and around during these storms. He lets me cry, scream, or rant when I need to, but applies a loving hand when needed too. He knows, and I'll admit, that I don't want to be a spiteful or vindictive person although far too often that's the side of me that comes out. And then He's there to lovingly correct and set me back on the path we both know I should be following. Throughout all this difficult loss and times of darkness, He has been right there to dry my tears, hold me, and guide me through it. I don't know what I would do without Him, I can't imagine how I would have gotten through this without Him beside me.
I started a new job in the fall of 2017 and I absolutely love it! My new co-workers are caring and supportive, and I work in a fantastic place! :) I wish I could say more, but it is quite unique and would give my identity away quickly, so I'll just stick with saying I love it! :)
And so life continues on. I am going to try to get back to this blog and start writing again. I have missed it, and all of you my dear readers. I'll be writing when I can, I look forward to re-connecting both with the experience of writing and with you.
All the best,
~sugar
Sunday, August 9, 2015
What I've learned in ten years of marriage...
I've learned how to be a wife.
I've learned how to be patient.
I've learned that I don't always have to be right.
I've learned to admit when I'm wrong.
I've learned to forgive.
I've learned to listen with my heart, not just with my ears.
I've learned that sometimes the best practice is to close my mouth and open my heart and mind.
I've learned, even when it hurts terribly, to let go of things that don't serve my soul.
I've learned how hard it is to say goodbye.
I've learned to stop trying to change myself into something I think others want me to be.
I've learned that sometimes I have to let people go and move forward in my life. If they are meant to journey with me through this world, they will catch up.
I've learned that having desires and dreams of my own is actually ok.
I've learned that sometimes dreams come true. And sometimes they don't.
I've learned that sometimes I have to step back, breathe, and simply trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to.
I've learned that the hardest of life's lessons are often the ones that end up helping me grow the most.
I've learned that even in the darkest times, love finds a way to shine through.
I've learned to be careful about having expectations, life doesn't always work out the way we hoped it would.
I've learned that a marriage is not 50-50. Its two people choosing to give 100% every day to take up a mantle of love and keep the relationship strong.
I've learned a level of love and respect I never knew could exist between two people.
I've learned that ten years is only the beginning of our happily ever after. :)
I've learned how to be patient.
I've learned that I don't always have to be right.
I've learned to admit when I'm wrong.
I've learned to forgive.
I've learned to listen with my heart, not just with my ears.
I've learned that sometimes the best practice is to close my mouth and open my heart and mind.
I've learned, even when it hurts terribly, to let go of things that don't serve my soul.
I've learned how hard it is to say goodbye.
I've learned to stop trying to change myself into something I think others want me to be.
I've learned that sometimes I have to let people go and move forward in my life. If they are meant to journey with me through this world, they will catch up.
I've learned that having desires and dreams of my own is actually ok.
I've learned that sometimes dreams come true. And sometimes they don't.
I've learned that sometimes I have to step back, breathe, and simply trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to.
I've learned that the hardest of life's lessons are often the ones that end up helping me grow the most.
I've learned that even in the darkest times, love finds a way to shine through.
I've learned to be careful about having expectations, life doesn't always work out the way we hoped it would.
I've learned that a marriage is not 50-50. Its two people choosing to give 100% every day to take up a mantle of love and keep the relationship strong.
I've learned a level of love and respect I never knew could exist between two people.
I've learned that ten years is only the beginning of our happily ever after. :)
Saturday, September 6, 2014
The big D's
We hear about them everywhere in this lifestyle, the big D's: disobedience, disrespect, dishonesty, and dangerous (behavior). Something tells me I'm forgetting something in there, but the thing is, we don't, as a general rule, use these in our relationship. Its understood that any of these behaviors would result in trouble, and any time I earn a spanking, it can be traced to one of these, but they are not a concrete part of our domestic discipline.
I'm sad to say that I have now broken every one of these. Before this past week, it was only the first three (and that was more than enough, believe me!). But now, I've stepped past that last one too....the big one: dangerous behavior.
Throughout my life, I have known that there are certain things I am allergic too. One of those is an additive that is found in most energy drinks, citrus drinks, and certain sodas and also in some over the counter medications. When I was a child, I would have allergic reactions after consuming any of these products, and it took me years to figure out why I felt so sick after doing so. I would have what would typically be a reaction similar to seasonal allergies--stuffy nose, sore throat, itchy eyes and ears, and sometimes hives and a stomachache--but it would only last for a few days at most. My parents always thought I was just a really sick kid.
Fast forward to last week: It had been well over ten years since I had consumed any of those products, knowing how crummy they made me feel. Someone asked me to try a drink of something that I knew had that additive in it, and of course I said no and told them why. At first. And then I decided, quite stupidly, that I could try a sip of it. Surely, just a small sip wouldn't hurt anything! As a child, before I knew that was what made me sick, I would drink a whole glass of this particular drink, and feel terrible for a few days, but I figured that was years ago and just a tiny bit wouldn't hurt as long as I didn't drink too much of it.
Wrong!
I had the smallest of drinks, barely enough to taste. In less than a minute, I started coughing and telling Ace that my throat was burning and within just a few short minutes I was in full on anaphylaxsis: my face swelled and broke out in a rash, tears poured out of my eyes, and my throat began to swell. My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest, and I was sure I was going to be sick. Thankfully, Ace was close by and I was able to croak out the word "Benadryl" to which he promptly responded to by putting a pill and water in my mouth, and tilting my head back so it went down my throat. I had a few terrifying moments, lying on the floor of the bathroom, where I truly was not sure if I was going to be able to take my next breath.
There is nothing that compares to that feeling. I have never in my life experienced anything like it. I've never had a reaction-to anything, ever-that was as severe as this one. The rest of that day, I felt completely sick. I couldn't eat anything, and my throat hurt as badly as if I had strep. It would take days for that feeling to go away. Just thinking about it makes my heart race.
Ace was so incredibly good to me, and so calm under the circumstances. He held me close to Him and asked me literally every minute to confirm that I could breathe until the Benadryl started taking affect. Later, He admitted that He was absolutely terrified, and wanted to take me to the hospital immediately, but He tried to stay calm because He knew I would be even more scared if I saw Him react that way and that could make my symptoms worse. I don't know how He stayed so calm, but I am very thankful He did. He had called His sister next door and told her to get an Epi-pen out (His mom keeps them in her house as she is deathly allergic to certain insect bites) and bring it over right away and they told me later they had it ready to administer within a minute if the Benadryl hadn't shown signs of working.
We talked about it later, and have talked about it even more since then, and He told me He has never witnessed anything like that before and how thankful He is that it wasn't any worse because He didn't know what He would have done if anything had happened to me.
Now that its been a week, that feeling of being thankful for my safety is taking the backseat, while we face the fact that I broke that last big "d". Ace is, of course, still thankful that I am safe, but now its time to address the fact that I did something very, very stupid. Something that could have cost me my life. In a serious moment at the end of a conversation about this a few days ago, He told me He can't imagine life without me, and He never, ever wants to know or hear about me doing anything like this ever again. He also told me to expect that we will be "talking" about my decision very soon.
I am not sure exactly what to expect, but I think it will be tonight, and I am expecting a full punishment. Its been a long time since that has happened, and I would be lying if I said I am not nervous about it, but I want it out of the way. Its been between us, a giant elephant in the room, for the last week, and now I just want it gone.
<sigh>
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever learn.........
~sugar
I'm sad to say that I have now broken every one of these. Before this past week, it was only the first three (and that was more than enough, believe me!). But now, I've stepped past that last one too....the big one: dangerous behavior.
Throughout my life, I have known that there are certain things I am allergic too. One of those is an additive that is found in most energy drinks, citrus drinks, and certain sodas and also in some over the counter medications. When I was a child, I would have allergic reactions after consuming any of these products, and it took me years to figure out why I felt so sick after doing so. I would have what would typically be a reaction similar to seasonal allergies--stuffy nose, sore throat, itchy eyes and ears, and sometimes hives and a stomachache--but it would only last for a few days at most. My parents always thought I was just a really sick kid.
Fast forward to last week: It had been well over ten years since I had consumed any of those products, knowing how crummy they made me feel. Someone asked me to try a drink of something that I knew had that additive in it, and of course I said no and told them why. At first. And then I decided, quite stupidly, that I could try a sip of it. Surely, just a small sip wouldn't hurt anything! As a child, before I knew that was what made me sick, I would drink a whole glass of this particular drink, and feel terrible for a few days, but I figured that was years ago and just a tiny bit wouldn't hurt as long as I didn't drink too much of it.
Wrong!
I had the smallest of drinks, barely enough to taste. In less than a minute, I started coughing and telling Ace that my throat was burning and within just a few short minutes I was in full on anaphylaxsis: my face swelled and broke out in a rash, tears poured out of my eyes, and my throat began to swell. My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest, and I was sure I was going to be sick. Thankfully, Ace was close by and I was able to croak out the word "Benadryl" to which he promptly responded to by putting a pill and water in my mouth, and tilting my head back so it went down my throat. I had a few terrifying moments, lying on the floor of the bathroom, where I truly was not sure if I was going to be able to take my next breath.
There is nothing that compares to that feeling. I have never in my life experienced anything like it. I've never had a reaction-to anything, ever-that was as severe as this one. The rest of that day, I felt completely sick. I couldn't eat anything, and my throat hurt as badly as if I had strep. It would take days for that feeling to go away. Just thinking about it makes my heart race.
Ace was so incredibly good to me, and so calm under the circumstances. He held me close to Him and asked me literally every minute to confirm that I could breathe until the Benadryl started taking affect. Later, He admitted that He was absolutely terrified, and wanted to take me to the hospital immediately, but He tried to stay calm because He knew I would be even more scared if I saw Him react that way and that could make my symptoms worse. I don't know how He stayed so calm, but I am very thankful He did. He had called His sister next door and told her to get an Epi-pen out (His mom keeps them in her house as she is deathly allergic to certain insect bites) and bring it over right away and they told me later they had it ready to administer within a minute if the Benadryl hadn't shown signs of working.
We talked about it later, and have talked about it even more since then, and He told me He has never witnessed anything like that before and how thankful He is that it wasn't any worse because He didn't know what He would have done if anything had happened to me.
Now that its been a week, that feeling of being thankful for my safety is taking the backseat, while we face the fact that I broke that last big "d". Ace is, of course, still thankful that I am safe, but now its time to address the fact that I did something very, very stupid. Something that could have cost me my life. In a serious moment at the end of a conversation about this a few days ago, He told me He can't imagine life without me, and He never, ever wants to know or hear about me doing anything like this ever again. He also told me to expect that we will be "talking" about my decision very soon.
I am not sure exactly what to expect, but I think it will be tonight, and I am expecting a full punishment. Its been a long time since that has happened, and I would be lying if I said I am not nervous about it, but I want it out of the way. Its been between us, a giant elephant in the room, for the last week, and now I just want it gone.
<sigh>
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever learn.........
~sugar
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
9/10th
Its our 9/10th anniversary (nine years married, ten years together)! :) :) I can't believe its been nine years since our wedding day--it feels like it was just yesterday :) I don't have words to describe how very happy I am--to have found someone who understands and accepts me with all of my faults and craziness, who loves me so freely and completely, is truly the greatest gift I have ever been given in my life. <3
~sugar
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Inked!
I promised in the last post that fun things were coming up, and so this is the first. As a late birthday/early anniversary present (for myself) I finally went and got my first tattoo. The design is one I've had for years, I always knew this would be my first whenever I decided to actually do it. My husband first used the moniker "Acedecade" when He made an email account for himself as a teenager and He has kept it since then, just as I have always used sugar. This year, we are celebrating our first decade together, and I have just entered my third decade of life, so it seemed like the perfect time for this design. :)
My tattoo artist was amazing! It took three long hours of work (with only one 5 minute break) to get every last detail and he nailed it!! As you can see in the picture there is ALOT of bruising (the areas inside that look like ink has spilled over the lines are really blue bruises). This picture was taken just a few hours after the tattoo was done, and the bruising actually got a little worse after this. I'm now at 48 hours, and its starting to hurt slightly less than it did yesterday :) Despite that, I am more than thrilled, it was absolutely worth it to finally have this done! :)
Ace loves it (its His mark after all!), and so do I! :) :)
~(one very happy)sugar
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Seventy Questions..
Its been a while since I posted anything, summer's been busy and I'm working more. Saw this list over on Hermione's blog and decided to play along. :) Another planned post coming up soon, but for now:
1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? Lead guitarist/stage manager for one of Ace's favorite bands.....he's a happily married man with two kids, so no. :)
2. Opinions on sex before marriage? Quoting from a favorite movie of mine "If you love someone, its okay."
3. Best room for a fireplace? Just about any room is good for a fireplace, love them.
4. Is trust a big issue for you? Its a very important part of any relationship.
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? The person I love.
6. What are you excited about? Fun stuff coming up this week. :)
7. What happened last night? Watched local primary election results trickle in, so very very happy with the results.
8. Ever have plastic surgery? No.
9. Which are better - black or green olives? Both are equally disgusting.
2. Opinions on sex before marriage? Quoting from a favorite movie of mine "If you love someone, its okay."
3. Best room for a fireplace? Just about any room is good for a fireplace, love them.
4. Is trust a big issue for you? Its a very important part of any relationship.
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? The person I love.
6. What are you excited about? Fun stuff coming up this week. :)
7. What happened last night? Watched local primary election results trickle in, so very very happy with the results.
8. Ever have plastic surgery? No.
9. Which are better - black or green olives? Both are equally disgusting.
10. What is the last beverage you had? Water.
11. Ever won a contest? I'm sure I must have, but I can't think of any examples right now.
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? HA!
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? I don't know yet.....
14. What are you going to spend money on next? Bills
15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? I'm married to Him.
16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? Yup.
17. Can you swim well? Pretty well.
18. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Um, yeah......
19. Have you had sex today? No.
20. Regularly burn incense? No.
21. Are you in a good mood? Yes! My candidate took a decisive win in the primary! :)
22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? No.
23. Ever take dance lessons? Nope.
24. What do you want right this second? To convince Ace to go to Michigan Paracon. :)
25. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Yes.
26. Hot tea or cold tea? Neither.
27. Tea or coffee? Neither.
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? My daughter.
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? My dad.
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Depends on what the second chance is....
31. Favorite type of cookie? The oatmeal/walnut/chocolate chip ones my neighbor brought to a bonfire the other night....so good!
32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? I'm pretty sure He does! :)
33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? No.
34. Listening to? Some butterfly song my daughter is dancing to. :)
35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? In pen, typically.
36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? In the shower.
37. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes!
38. Who did you last call? Ace.
39. Do you study better with or without music? Without.
40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Good morning kisses :)
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? A few weeks ago.
42. Who would you like to see in concert? A few people.....
43. What was the last concert you saw? Ace's favorite band.
44. Do you tan in the nude? No, I don't actively tan at all, just what happens naturally outside.
45. Are you patient? Depends on who I'm dealing with.
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No.
47. Who was the last person to call you? My sister.
48. Do you sing in the shower? Not usually.
49. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? Yes, I'm guessing most people have.
50. Ever used a bow and arrow? Yup, but never on an animal.
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? High school graduation.
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Most are pretty good, but there are exceptions.
53. Is Christmas stressful? Depends...some years its been more stressful than others.
54. Ever eat a pierogi? I have, didn't really care for it.
55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple.
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Lawyer, author, psychologist.
57. Do you believe in ghosts? Kinda....
58. Ever been in love? Yup, and I still am!
59. Take a vitamin daily? Not currently.
60. Wear slippers? Sometimes.
61. Wear a bath robe? Not usually.
62. What do you wear to bed? Pajama pants and a soft shirt.
63. First concert? I first sang in concerts with my family when I was four.
64. Walmart, Target or Kmart? Depends on what I am looking for or need.
65. Nike or Adidas? Adidas.
66. Cheetos or Fritos? Neither.
67. Peanuts or sunflower seeds? Sunflower seeds.
68. Ever won a spelling bee? Not any important ones.
69. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes.
70. What is your favorite book? There's no way to choose a favorite....pretty much love anything that isn't a romance, western, or horror......
11. Ever won a contest? I'm sure I must have, but I can't think of any examples right now.
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? HA!
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? I don't know yet.....
14. What are you going to spend money on next? Bills
15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? I'm married to Him.
16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? Yup.
17. Can you swim well? Pretty well.
18. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Um, yeah......
19. Have you had sex today? No.
20. Regularly burn incense? No.
21. Are you in a good mood? Yes! My candidate took a decisive win in the primary! :)
22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? No.
23. Ever take dance lessons? Nope.
24. What do you want right this second? To convince Ace to go to Michigan Paracon. :)
25. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Yes.
26. Hot tea or cold tea? Neither.
27. Tea or coffee? Neither.
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? My daughter.
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? My dad.
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Depends on what the second chance is....
31. Favorite type of cookie? The oatmeal/walnut/chocolate chip ones my neighbor brought to a bonfire the other night....so good!
32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? I'm pretty sure He does! :)
33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? No.
34. Listening to? Some butterfly song my daughter is dancing to. :)
35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? In pen, typically.
36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? In the shower.
37. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes!
38. Who did you last call? Ace.
39. Do you study better with or without music? Without.
40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Good morning kisses :)
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? A few weeks ago.
42. Who would you like to see in concert? A few people.....
43. What was the last concert you saw? Ace's favorite band.
44. Do you tan in the nude? No, I don't actively tan at all, just what happens naturally outside.
45. Are you patient? Depends on who I'm dealing with.
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No.
47. Who was the last person to call you? My sister.
48. Do you sing in the shower? Not usually.
49. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? Yes, I'm guessing most people have.
50. Ever used a bow and arrow? Yup, but never on an animal.
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? High school graduation.
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Most are pretty good, but there are exceptions.
53. Is Christmas stressful? Depends...some years its been more stressful than others.
54. Ever eat a pierogi? I have, didn't really care for it.
55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple.
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Lawyer, author, psychologist.
57. Do you believe in ghosts? Kinda....
58. Ever been in love? Yup, and I still am!
59. Take a vitamin daily? Not currently.
60. Wear slippers? Sometimes.
61. Wear a bath robe? Not usually.
62. What do you wear to bed? Pajama pants and a soft shirt.
63. First concert? I first sang in concerts with my family when I was four.
64. Walmart, Target or Kmart? Depends on what I am looking for or need.
65. Nike or Adidas? Adidas.
66. Cheetos or Fritos? Neither.
67. Peanuts or sunflower seeds? Sunflower seeds.
68. Ever won a spelling bee? Not any important ones.
69. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes.
70. What is your favorite book? There's no way to choose a favorite....pretty much love anything that isn't a romance, western, or horror......
~sugar
Sunday, June 15, 2014
The first time.....
Today is my first Father's Day without my dad.
The first time I can't call him to wish him Happy Father's Day.
The first time I can't visit him to bring him a Father's Day present.
I'm wearing his favorite baseball t-shirt and hat. My locket with his ashes is around my neck, as always.
I've never missed another person so much.
It's the first time, and my heart hurts so much today......
~sugar
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Um, good vibes???
When it comes to this "lifestyle" and all it entails, I'm completely sure that if you met me, I'd be the last person you would expect to find engaging in it. I know, lots of people say that. But I'm guessing I have them all beat. I live in a remote town (in a crap state) that has no, absolutely no, kink activity in it. I've never been to a party, munch, or any other type of gathering of kinky people. Play, outside of my marriage, is probably something I'll never be brave enough to do. I seesaw back and forth between intense desire to have an experience and morbid fear of one....it changes almost every day.
Sure, I have a Fetlife profile. But that's about as far as I go. I keep it in, where I'm safe. Could I find it in my area? I suppose, if I looked hard enough. Do I want to? Not particularly. Something about engaging with people here, people I might run into again/might know me, is just too weird. I know the argument about how if I met them in a kinky situation, I would have nothing to fear because I could expose them just as easily as they could me. Yeah, I get that. But, the somewhat stupid part of that argument is it negates the effect of being exposed. Sure, I could do it back, get revenge....but that won't fix the parts of my life that could be seriously screwed up by their actions and my indiscretion.
That was a bit of a tangent. Getting back to where I started, I seriously am starting to wonder if I give off some kind of vibe people are picking up on. As far as I know, I am not consciously acting any different than I have before in public, or engaging in blaring submissive behaviors. But in the last two weeks, I have had at least four open references made to me regarding this lifestyle or aspects of it.
Twice I have had two male friends ask me for advice, neither of whom I would have expected it from. The first is a young man I work with whom I consider to be like my cool kid brother. I watch out for him, he has a blazing temper, but we have good times working together. He started a relationship with a young lady who also works with us--I trained her for part of the job, and she is very sweet but more than a little naive. She was engaging in behavior he didn't like, and he was asking her to submit to him by stopping that behavior even though it would mean big lifestyle changes for her. He asked if he was doing the right thing, if I thought he was being an overprotective asshole, because that's what everyone else was saying. So I told him what I honestly thought--that it seemed to me he was trying to protect her, she should be grateful for that, and give him her submission on this issue. He confessed that he had given her an ultimatum on it, and it was killing him because he didn't want to lose her, but he couldn't stand by and watch her self destruct either. My heart was breaking for both of them...he has been so happy with her, and I didn't want to see him or her being hurt, but I could totally understand where he was coming from. He asked me to talk to her, I told him I would try to if I saw her. A few days later, he came and told me she did submit to his leadership, and is happier for it. :)
The other was a friend I have known since I was eight, another person who is kinda like a brother but not exactly. Our relationship is much different than my "little brother" I described above or either of my two actual brothers. We hadn't talked in awhile, I was kinda wondering what had happened, because I hadn't heard from him in quite some time. This guy is in the military, he joined when we were in high school, and as it turns out, I hadn't heard from him because he voluntarily went back overseas on another mission. I'm not saying where, and I'm not saying which branch, as I don't want to compromise him in any way. He married a girl I don't know a few years back, and he confessed to me that they are having some issues in their marriage. She told him to go, that she was ok with it, but now she is angry at him because he came home a different person and she feels like she doesn't know him any more. He is angry because she told him to go, so he did, but now he doesn't understand why, on top of everything else he is dealing with from being in the service, he has to deal with so much hostility on the home front. He told me he doesn't understand how she could expect him to be the same after all he went through.
And then he told me something that shocked me to the core. Earlier in the conversation, we had been talking about high school days, and he decided to tell me that he had actually been crazy about me, but too scared to tell me because he felt I was too far out of his league.
I had to stop him at this point and ask him if he remembered who he was talking to! He assured me he did.
I wasn't born yesterday nor am I that naive. I recognized the loneliness that was talking in that statement. But I thanked him for that, admitted I had felt the same way for him as a girl, but for most of high school he was dating a girl I was sort of friends with, so that made him off limits anyway, not to mention that I never would have guessed someone like him--the guy voted homecoming king--would have ever been interested in someone like me.
Like I said, I heard the loneliness talking. So I told him, as a friend, that I thought he was being a bit of a jerk to his wife. I told him I care about him a great deal still, as a friend, but he needed to stop thinking about himself and imagine how his wife felt for a moment. I asked him if he realized how it would have looked had his wife said no when he asked about doing another voluntary mission. Suppose people found out, what would they say, about her and about him? They would say she's a selfish bitch for keeping him home and not letting him serve his country (at least, back in our home town, I know they would). And they would say he is "whipped"--can't do anything without asking for his wife's permission.
He admitted that he hadn't thought of that.
I asked him if he knew how much it hurt me, just as his friend, to know he was voluntarily putting his life on the line like that. I understand why, though I strongly disagree with the reasons, but just for me as his friend to worry about him and wonder if the day would come that I would hear about the messenger that came to his parent's door to tell them their son was gone. Just thinking about how much it would hurt them broke my heart all over again. I told him I could not imagine what his wife must have been going through, day and night, not knowing exactly where he was or if he was alright, and having to worry about it moment to moment. For all he had to go through, she went through just as much back here, waiting for him.
And then he comes home, she is so happy he is safe, but he's not the same person any more. But, as I told him, neither is she. No one stays the same forever, especially in situations like this. I told him marriage truly is learning how to grow around each other as change occurs. Its going to happen, the relationship will never be just the same as it always was, that is true for every relationship. To make it work, you have to learn how to accept the changes that have happened. She has to accept that he changed into a slightly less sensitive/harder person and he has to accept that she has changed into a wife that needs love and security from her husband more than ever before.
We talked for a long time. I've missed having good conversations with friends like this. I longed to tell him about the lifestyle, but with the anger issues he admitted to and the hostility he feels in the relationship, I didn't feel that it was a good time to suggest it. They need to talk now, she needs security, routine, and to know that he will be there for her. Suggesting such a drastic change for them at this point didn't seem prudent. He made a few veiled references to dd, but I gently turned the conversation from it. Maybe we will talk about it at some point, but not right now. (I am curious to find out what he knows and how he feels about it though, after the comments he made).
My boss has used several more spanking references since the last one I wrote about. I simply try to ignore it. Its just too creepy to think about. <shudder>
And then there was the neighbors, across the street. We were over at their house for a birthday party when they told us how they were outside working in the yard one day and they heard Ace using duct tape in the garage to close a box he was sending out to someone. It was a very big box, and of course duct tape can be very loud, and apparently it went on for quite some time. Neighbor told us he turned to his wife and said "Damn, he's really tying her up good, isn't he??"
And, in that moment, I didn't even stop to think--my mouth just opened and out came:
"How do you know I wasn't tying him up?"
<insert awkward pause here>
WTF....JUST CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH?!?!? That was all I think think of. Neighbor blushed for the hills, stammered out some response (I have no idea what it was) and walked away. I didn't get a chance to explain that it was a joke, that my mouth runs so far ahead of my mind sometimes.....
Needless to say, we haven't been invited back to any more parties!
I don't know what it is. I don't know why I'm giving this off, or others are picking up on it with me. It seems like an awful lot of references to it in such a short amount of time, too many to be coincidence. I suppose I could be wrong. Maybe it is coincidence. I don't know if its all good, but maybe I'm giving off some kind of vibe people are picking up on.....who knows?
I'm just trying to be a little more careful.....and I think I still owe the neighbor an apology.......
~sugar
Sure, I have a Fetlife profile. But that's about as far as I go. I keep it in, where I'm safe. Could I find it in my area? I suppose, if I looked hard enough. Do I want to? Not particularly. Something about engaging with people here, people I might run into again/might know me, is just too weird. I know the argument about how if I met them in a kinky situation, I would have nothing to fear because I could expose them just as easily as they could me. Yeah, I get that. But, the somewhat stupid part of that argument is it negates the effect of being exposed. Sure, I could do it back, get revenge....but that won't fix the parts of my life that could be seriously screwed up by their actions and my indiscretion.
That was a bit of a tangent. Getting back to where I started, I seriously am starting to wonder if I give off some kind of vibe people are picking up on. As far as I know, I am not consciously acting any different than I have before in public, or engaging in blaring submissive behaviors. But in the last two weeks, I have had at least four open references made to me regarding this lifestyle or aspects of it.
Twice I have had two male friends ask me for advice, neither of whom I would have expected it from. The first is a young man I work with whom I consider to be like my cool kid brother. I watch out for him, he has a blazing temper, but we have good times working together. He started a relationship with a young lady who also works with us--I trained her for part of the job, and she is very sweet but more than a little naive. She was engaging in behavior he didn't like, and he was asking her to submit to him by stopping that behavior even though it would mean big lifestyle changes for her. He asked if he was doing the right thing, if I thought he was being an overprotective asshole, because that's what everyone else was saying. So I told him what I honestly thought--that it seemed to me he was trying to protect her, she should be grateful for that, and give him her submission on this issue. He confessed that he had given her an ultimatum on it, and it was killing him because he didn't want to lose her, but he couldn't stand by and watch her self destruct either. My heart was breaking for both of them...he has been so happy with her, and I didn't want to see him or her being hurt, but I could totally understand where he was coming from. He asked me to talk to her, I told him I would try to if I saw her. A few days later, he came and told me she did submit to his leadership, and is happier for it. :)
The other was a friend I have known since I was eight, another person who is kinda like a brother but not exactly. Our relationship is much different than my "little brother" I described above or either of my two actual brothers. We hadn't talked in awhile, I was kinda wondering what had happened, because I hadn't heard from him in quite some time. This guy is in the military, he joined when we were in high school, and as it turns out, I hadn't heard from him because he voluntarily went back overseas on another mission. I'm not saying where, and I'm not saying which branch, as I don't want to compromise him in any way. He married a girl I don't know a few years back, and he confessed to me that they are having some issues in their marriage. She told him to go, that she was ok with it, but now she is angry at him because he came home a different person and she feels like she doesn't know him any more. He is angry because she told him to go, so he did, but now he doesn't understand why, on top of everything else he is dealing with from being in the service, he has to deal with so much hostility on the home front. He told me he doesn't understand how she could expect him to be the same after all he went through.
And then he told me something that shocked me to the core. Earlier in the conversation, we had been talking about high school days, and he decided to tell me that he had actually been crazy about me, but too scared to tell me because he felt I was too far out of his league.
I had to stop him at this point and ask him if he remembered who he was talking to! He assured me he did.
I wasn't born yesterday nor am I that naive. I recognized the loneliness that was talking in that statement. But I thanked him for that, admitted I had felt the same way for him as a girl, but for most of high school he was dating a girl I was sort of friends with, so that made him off limits anyway, not to mention that I never would have guessed someone like him--the guy voted homecoming king--would have ever been interested in someone like me.
Like I said, I heard the loneliness talking. So I told him, as a friend, that I thought he was being a bit of a jerk to his wife. I told him I care about him a great deal still, as a friend, but he needed to stop thinking about himself and imagine how his wife felt for a moment. I asked him if he realized how it would have looked had his wife said no when he asked about doing another voluntary mission. Suppose people found out, what would they say, about her and about him? They would say she's a selfish bitch for keeping him home and not letting him serve his country (at least, back in our home town, I know they would). And they would say he is "whipped"--can't do anything without asking for his wife's permission.
He admitted that he hadn't thought of that.
I asked him if he knew how much it hurt me, just as his friend, to know he was voluntarily putting his life on the line like that. I understand why, though I strongly disagree with the reasons, but just for me as his friend to worry about him and wonder if the day would come that I would hear about the messenger that came to his parent's door to tell them their son was gone. Just thinking about how much it would hurt them broke my heart all over again. I told him I could not imagine what his wife must have been going through, day and night, not knowing exactly where he was or if he was alright, and having to worry about it moment to moment. For all he had to go through, she went through just as much back here, waiting for him.
And then he comes home, she is so happy he is safe, but he's not the same person any more. But, as I told him, neither is she. No one stays the same forever, especially in situations like this. I told him marriage truly is learning how to grow around each other as change occurs. Its going to happen, the relationship will never be just the same as it always was, that is true for every relationship. To make it work, you have to learn how to accept the changes that have happened. She has to accept that he changed into a slightly less sensitive/harder person and he has to accept that she has changed into a wife that needs love and security from her husband more than ever before.
We talked for a long time. I've missed having good conversations with friends like this. I longed to tell him about the lifestyle, but with the anger issues he admitted to and the hostility he feels in the relationship, I didn't feel that it was a good time to suggest it. They need to talk now, she needs security, routine, and to know that he will be there for her. Suggesting such a drastic change for them at this point didn't seem prudent. He made a few veiled references to dd, but I gently turned the conversation from it. Maybe we will talk about it at some point, but not right now. (I am curious to find out what he knows and how he feels about it though, after the comments he made).
My boss has used several more spanking references since the last one I wrote about. I simply try to ignore it. Its just too creepy to think about. <shudder>
And then there was the neighbors, across the street. We were over at their house for a birthday party when they told us how they were outside working in the yard one day and they heard Ace using duct tape in the garage to close a box he was sending out to someone. It was a very big box, and of course duct tape can be very loud, and apparently it went on for quite some time. Neighbor told us he turned to his wife and said "Damn, he's really tying her up good, isn't he??"
And, in that moment, I didn't even stop to think--my mouth just opened and out came:
"How do you know I wasn't tying him up?"
<insert awkward pause here>
WTF....JUST CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH?!?!? That was all I think think of. Neighbor blushed for the hills, stammered out some response (I have no idea what it was) and walked away. I didn't get a chance to explain that it was a joke, that my mouth runs so far ahead of my mind sometimes.....
Needless to say, we haven't been invited back to any more parties!
I don't know what it is. I don't know why I'm giving this off, or others are picking up on it with me. It seems like an awful lot of references to it in such a short amount of time, too many to be coincidence. I suppose I could be wrong. Maybe it is coincidence. I don't know if its all good, but maybe I'm giving off some kind of vibe people are picking up on.....who knows?
I'm just trying to be a little more careful.....and I think I still owe the neighbor an apology.......
~sugar
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Gains and Losses
Another post that's going to be pretty much vanilla. Fair warning.
Ace's grandmother passed away yesterday morning. This is a very hard loss for Him and His family. His grandmother was an essential part of His life, she cared for Him when He was little and parents were working, and since we have been married we've lived here, in her house, with her. The last couple of years, it helped ensure she could stay home and not have to go to assisted living or a nursing home--she had someone here to watch/care for her. The last year has been really hard--she developed a very fast moving form of dementia, and in the last few weeks, had been to the point that she could not stay awake, eat or drink, without being forced to. Its been hard on the family to watch her decline--she was a very strong willed lady but she loved her children and grandchildren fiercely.
Watching my mother-in-law deal with the loss of her mother has been very difficult-it opens up all the hurt I have with the loss of my dad. My mother-in-law and I are actually relating on a personal level we've never had before, both feeling the loss of our parent that we were not ready for.
My visitations from my Dad have continued. Walking outside, white feathers have dropped from the sky. There was one day, at work, when one dropped out of nowhere--I work inside, in a relatively small building, and there is nothing even remotely close to feathers in there. The best sign from him though was the night of my college graduation rehearsal (I graduated, finally! Yay!). I was sitting alone in the middle of a row, with open seats on either side of me. As instructions were being given, all of the sudden the lights flickered several times, then things started falling from the light nearest to me on my right. The rehearsal was inside what is usually a gymnasium, so the lights were very high up to prevent them from being broken. After a few minutes, we all left the gym to practice the processional, and on the way out I went over to see if I could find what had fallen, but there was nothing there. No one had come and cleaned it up. There were all empty seats to my right, so I would have seen if anyone had done so. And I know it was not just a trick of the eye. I looked up and watched for several minutes as things fell from the light, they just were not there when I looked for them.
We also had an incredible sign from His grandma. She passed away here at home, quietly in her sleep. The funeral home director had come and gone, and the house was quiet. I was walking through my dining room, when I looked outside, and there was a female cardinal sitting outside on the upper ledge of my porch. Its said that cardinals, within hours of a death, will often appear at the home of the deceased to bring comfort to those who are grieving. When this happens, the gender of the cardinal will correspond to the gender of the person who has passed. Cardinals are very rare around here--its been years since I have seen one. I was able to snap several pictures of her--even though I was standing less than a few feet from her, and my camera was taking flash photos, she stayed and didn't seem to be frightened at all.
Ace's mom loves birds, she has cardinal statues and pictures in her house and His grandmother often wore shirts with cardinals on them. I shared this with His mom in a quiet moment yesterday, so she could have the peace of knowing that her mom is still here. It was an incredible gift to her and the family.
With all the busyness going on, and all of the concern and now sadness revolving around His grandma, our interactions within the lifestyle have been few and far between. I think I've been spanked once in the last two or three weeks. We have just been busy, His heart is not in it, and I'm not pushing it because I know where we both are emotionally, and its just not something we can do right now. He needs to be with His family, that's number one right now. Does that make it easier for me? No. Do I want it this way? No. Aren't I happy to not be getting spanked? No. But that's how it is, for now.
~sugar
Ace's grandmother passed away yesterday morning. This is a very hard loss for Him and His family. His grandmother was an essential part of His life, she cared for Him when He was little and parents were working, and since we have been married we've lived here, in her house, with her. The last couple of years, it helped ensure she could stay home and not have to go to assisted living or a nursing home--she had someone here to watch/care for her. The last year has been really hard--she developed a very fast moving form of dementia, and in the last few weeks, had been to the point that she could not stay awake, eat or drink, without being forced to. Its been hard on the family to watch her decline--she was a very strong willed lady but she loved her children and grandchildren fiercely.
Watching my mother-in-law deal with the loss of her mother has been very difficult-it opens up all the hurt I have with the loss of my dad. My mother-in-law and I are actually relating on a personal level we've never had before, both feeling the loss of our parent that we were not ready for.
My visitations from my Dad have continued. Walking outside, white feathers have dropped from the sky. There was one day, at work, when one dropped out of nowhere--I work inside, in a relatively small building, and there is nothing even remotely close to feathers in there. The best sign from him though was the night of my college graduation rehearsal (I graduated, finally! Yay!). I was sitting alone in the middle of a row, with open seats on either side of me. As instructions were being given, all of the sudden the lights flickered several times, then things started falling from the light nearest to me on my right. The rehearsal was inside what is usually a gymnasium, so the lights were very high up to prevent them from being broken. After a few minutes, we all left the gym to practice the processional, and on the way out I went over to see if I could find what had fallen, but there was nothing there. No one had come and cleaned it up. There were all empty seats to my right, so I would have seen if anyone had done so. And I know it was not just a trick of the eye. I looked up and watched for several minutes as things fell from the light, they just were not there when I looked for them.
We also had an incredible sign from His grandma. She passed away here at home, quietly in her sleep. The funeral home director had come and gone, and the house was quiet. I was walking through my dining room, when I looked outside, and there was a female cardinal sitting outside on the upper ledge of my porch. Its said that cardinals, within hours of a death, will often appear at the home of the deceased to bring comfort to those who are grieving. When this happens, the gender of the cardinal will correspond to the gender of the person who has passed. Cardinals are very rare around here--its been years since I have seen one. I was able to snap several pictures of her--even though I was standing less than a few feet from her, and my camera was taking flash photos, she stayed and didn't seem to be frightened at all.
Ace's mom loves birds, she has cardinal statues and pictures in her house and His grandmother often wore shirts with cardinals on them. I shared this with His mom in a quiet moment yesterday, so she could have the peace of knowing that her mom is still here. It was an incredible gift to her and the family.
With all the busyness going on, and all of the concern and now sadness revolving around His grandma, our interactions within the lifestyle have been few and far between. I think I've been spanked once in the last two or three weeks. We have just been busy, His heart is not in it, and I'm not pushing it because I know where we both are emotionally, and its just not something we can do right now. He needs to be with His family, that's number one right now. Does that make it easier for me? No. Do I want it this way? No. Aren't I happy to not be getting spanked? No. But that's how it is, for now.
~sugar
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Monday, April 21, 2014
The ugly side of this lifestyle (Fetlife repost)
Re-posting from my fetlife:
"As with any aspect of life there are pros and cons in this lifestyle. Days like today, it just hurts.
There was a post recently about not getting too invested. I think that may be my primary mistake. I always say I will trust someone until they give me a reason not to. In other words, if your looking for someone who is easy to take advantage of, that would be me. Go ahead and hit "friend request" now. What's that? I'm feeling sorry for myself?
Well, yeah actually I am.
Sometimes, you reach out to someone and they don't respond. That sucks. You wonder why, what is it about you that is so unappealing they can't even bear to respond?
And then, there are times where you spend days, weeks, months, even years building up a relationship with someone just to get dropped off with no explanation whatsoever. That sucks too.
Welcome to today.
Its not the first time its happened. I'm sure it won't be the last. You would think I would learn from it. Maybe I'll finally learn not to trust people until they prove they can be trusted.
Yeah right.
In the meantime, go ahead and hit that friend request.
I'll be sitting here feeling sorry for myself and waiting for you, because I know you will find me.
I'll trust you, and you'll hurt me.
And that sucks.
Welcome to today."
~sugar
"As with any aspect of life there are pros and cons in this lifestyle. Days like today, it just hurts.
There was a post recently about not getting too invested. I think that may be my primary mistake. I always say I will trust someone until they give me a reason not to. In other words, if your looking for someone who is easy to take advantage of, that would be me. Go ahead and hit "friend request" now. What's that? I'm feeling sorry for myself?
Well, yeah actually I am.
Sometimes, you reach out to someone and they don't respond. That sucks. You wonder why, what is it about you that is so unappealing they can't even bear to respond?
And then, there are times where you spend days, weeks, months, even years building up a relationship with someone just to get dropped off with no explanation whatsoever. That sucks too.
Welcome to today.
Its not the first time its happened. I'm sure it won't be the last. You would think I would learn from it. Maybe I'll finally learn not to trust people until they prove they can be trusted.
Yeah right.
In the meantime, go ahead and hit that friend request.
I'll be sitting here feeling sorry for myself and waiting for you, because I know you will find me.
I'll trust you, and you'll hurt me.
And that sucks.
Welcome to today."
~sugar
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Yeah, about that.....
About that last blog post.
Its not all gloom and doom, I promise.
It was a rough day at work, locked my keys in my car and had to walk home in 20 degrees with blowing snow to get the spare, and I was feeling frustrated and yes, angry and damn cold, so I fired off a blog post.
I am still missing my dad. That part was true. People tell me it will get better with time--I'm sure they are right, but its not right now. And I am not going to lie about how I feel about his loss because people expect me to. It hurts and there is no changing that.
There are positive things coming up though, and I am trying to shift my focus to those things. Next week, there is a special ceremony and banquet for those of us who are graduating with honors. The week after that is graduation itself, and the day after graduation is an annual memorial 5K for two local women who succumbed to breast cancer years ago. This is one of my favorite things to do, it raises money for a good cause and I always feel amazing afterwards.
I'm not angry now, and I wish I could say I'm not cold, but its still damn freezing here.
But its not all gloom and doom.
I promise.
~sugar
Monday, April 14, 2014
If you ask me....
I'll tell you I'm fine.
I'll tell you its getting better, and I'm "moving forward".
I'll put on a smile.
And I'll also be lying.
Its not getting better, and I feel like I am stuck here.
Days like today, I just feel like a fractured little girl who wants her dad.
I hate where I am right now. This point were there are moments where I feel happy and actually smile, then feel guilty for it. That is where I am--I can't feel happy without feeling like I am forgetting to be sad for my dad and feeling guilty for it. I'm not forgetting him, I couldn't. But I don't know how to do this. How do I move on? How do I let myself go back to being happy and smiling and actually being able to tell people I'm ok without lying or feeling guilty for it?
This is confusing. I don't know if I am making any sense. I'm just struggling with these feelings, ones I don't even know how to explain. I put on a smile and say good morning to people at work--as soon as they walk by its gone and all I can think about is putting my fist through a wall. I have a lighthearted conversation with a friend, then spend the next two hours locked in the bathroom, the only place I can go to be alone and cry, and wonder what they would think if they knew how weak I am, how very fragile I feel.
I'm tired of feeling this way.
I'm tired to pasting on smiles for everybody else.
I'm tired of telling very one that I am just fine.
If you ask me, that's what I'll tell you.
But I'll be lying.
~sugar
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Bloggerversary
I was scrolling through my blog archive looking for a specific post (either I thought I made it and didn't, or its been eaten by Blogger) when I saw that my "Bloggerversary" is tomorrow. I started this blog on April 13, 2011. It has 24 followers, 113 posts, and over 27,000 page views so far. When I started, I never thought it would last this long. Thanks to those of you who have read and are still reading---my posts are usually pretty infrequent, but that is something I am hoping to change, so stay tuned. :) In the meantime, here is an old meme I am resurrecting, enjoy!
- Would you rather be spanked outside in a cold woodshed or inside by a cozy fire?
Inside by the fire. I don't mind the cold so much, but for a spanking definitely inside. - Would you rather be spanked in public or private?
In private. - Would you rather fantasize about spanking or actually be spanked?
I'd rather be spanked for real. - Would you rather be spanked for humiliation or for your spanker’s pleasure?
Never for humiliation, that's just not something I could allow. For His pleasure or mine. :) - Would you rather be spanked by hand or hairbrush?
By hand, I love His hands. - Would you rather be spanked by belt or cane?
Thats a hard choice. If I had to choose, probably belt. - Would you rather be spanked by ping pong paddle or riding crop?
Another hard choice. I would have to say crop. - Would you rather be restrained or unrestrained during a spanking?
It depends. I prefer to be unrestrained, but if He wants to restrain me I will let Him. This is a big change that's happened for me in the last year. I want this to be His choice now, not mine. - Would you rather be spanked until you cried or until you are aroused?
I always want to be taken to tears. Sometimes that requires me asking for more. - Would you rather have just a red bottom or welts/bruises?
Both. Red is good, but I want something I can feel for a few days. - Would you rather be spanked for the naughty things you have done or just because you enjoy the experience?
Is that really even a choice? They both have their purposes, so....yeah both. - Would you rather be spanked with panties up or panties down?
That depends on the implement being used! Usually down, although for ones with alot of sting, then at least one layer would be nice. I don't usually get that option, but it would be nice! - Would you rather be spanked somewhat clothed or entirely naked?
Depends, but usually clothed except for the contact area, as it brings my focus to what is going on instead of self esteem/body issues in the moment. - Would you rather be spanked OTK or bent over a table/chair?
We don't typically use either of these scenarios--usually over/laying on the bed. - Would you rather your spanker have physical contact with you?
Absolutely, I need to know He is right there with me. - Would you prefer to be spanked in the woods with a tree branch, bent over the hood of a car, or in a school with a ruler bent over the desk of your teacher/principal?
Ok, well definitely not the first one-a tree branch would hurt! The second doesn't mention an implement, but the third--unless it were a private scene--is not fun to think about. So, I guess, I would take my chances with the second one, unless the third one is private. - Would you rather be a brat to your spanker to deserve a spanking or simply ask your spanker for a spanking because you know you needed it?
Neither. I would rather He decide when I need a spanking, but I will ask for it if I truly need it and He doesn't see it. I might brat sometimes, but only for a playful spanking. - Have you received a spanking in the last week?
No, unfortunately. - Would you rather be spanked for the physical pleasure or the emotional release?
Usually for emotional release, but again, it depends on the situation. - Would you rather tell your best friends that you enjoy to be spanked or keep it a secret?
I really don't make friends with people--don't have the time or desire to socialize/keep up with it and I'm not good at talking to/meeting new people. But it would not be something I would tell someone unless they were part of this lifestyle also. - Would you rather spanking be a lifestyle choice or just something you dabble in?
A lifestyle choice, definitely. - Would you rather your lover be a vanilla or a spankoholic too?
Not vanilla, that's for sure! - Would you rather be spanked by a stranger or by someone who knew you well?
Is that really a question? Absolutely not a stranger, for any reason! - Would you rather be spanked by a despotic, mean person or by a compassionate, benevolent person?
Obviously, someone compassionate, but not soft. - Would you rather be talked to while you are spanked or no talking at all?
Some talking, so I know He is there with me. - Would you rather get one swat at a time with pauses to let the sting set in or a continuous tanning to build up the fire?
Depends on what its for, but usually continuous build-up. - Would you rather be forced into a spanking or willingly submit into a spanking?
Depends again. If its for something I have done I would like to submit, although I'm not always successful. If its for pleasure/play, then sometimes we play the "non-consensual consent" game. He always wins. :) - Would you rather have a safe word or be pushed beyond your preconceived limits?
We don't have a safe word as a couple. I trust Him to know when I have had enough. If I need more then I'll ask, otherwise I let Him decide for me. If I am playing with another person (which has happened all of once) I'll follow their preferences. I fear that having one gives me a cop out option which then would open the door to regret if I used it that way. - Would you rather your spanker know your spanking history or is ignorance bliss?
Ace is typically my spanker, and he obviously knows my history. For others, history and especially preferences are just common sense. - Would you rather be spanked by multiple people at one time or just by one person at a time?
I have only ever experienced just one person. I can't imagine being spanked by multiple people at the the same time. - Would you rather be spanked once a day or once every few months?
I would go for a happy medium, a few times a week would be great. - Would you rather your spanker be deeply in tune or be totally unaffected to your experiences as a spankee?
I wouldn't want the person to be crying along with me, but in tune to my needs and emotions definitely. - Would you rather a closer physical relationship or a closer emotional relationship with your spanker?
Depends on who it is. If it was someone other than Ace, I wouldn't want a closer physical than emotional relationship with them. With Ace, both are equally important. - Would you rather your spanker ice your bottom down after a spanking or send you to the corner to display his/her accomplishment?
I hate, HATE, corner time, but I wouldn't want ice either because then the effects would wear off too quickly. - Would you rather your spanker be the person you wish to live the rest of your life with (i.e. marriage) or the person you can call on when your tushy tickles?
I prefer it to be Ace, although I am open to playing with others as well. - Would you rather spanking be part of love making or not a part of love making?
Either way is nice, but typically (for us) spanking stands alone. - Would you rather your spanker have total control over you when you are being spanked or do you still want to have some control while you are being spanked?
I need to give up control, but I am not always good at it. - Would you rather be humiliated or respected during a spanking?
As in question 4, never humiliated. That's not something I would allow. - Would you rather spanking become part of a bigger BDSM alternative lifestyle or spanking just be spanking for spanking sake?
Whatever is right for each individual. - Would you rather be filmed during a spanking to share your exhibitionist naughtiness or are you too modest to show your bum to the world?
I have posted a video once, not sure if I would do it again. - Would you rather your spanking be gentle and gradual or painful and abrupt?
Depends on what it is for. But never gentle! - Would you rather be defiant or fearful going into a spanking?
If its a real spanking for something I have done, then a little fearful/anxious feeling. If we are just playing, I might take a little of the "defiant" attitude, but never during a serious spanking. - Would you rather be spanked exclusively in your own bedroom or anywhere else other than your own bedroom?
Usually its in the bedroom, but if we are home alone, I'm open to other places. - Would you rather be spanked exclusively on your bottom or would other places be interesting too?
I have been spanked other places, but I don't prefer it. - Would you rather that spanking be a surprise or something that you have to look forward to? Depends on the situation. If its for His pleasure, then either one, although a surprise is nice. If its for something I've done, I prefer to know about it so I can get my head and my heart in the right place before it happens.
- Would you rather that spanking be a part of role playing kinkiness or a response to events that have happened in reality?
Both, although its usually the latter. - Would you rather be spanked by a male or female?
Either, although being spanked by a male gets more into my headspace. - Would you rather be cuddled or scolded after a spanking?
Definitely cuddled and loved. Scolding is before/during a spanking; afterwards, all I need is to be wrapped up in His arms.
~sugar
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Spanking Threats and Pet Peeves
I've recently signed on to a program that provides me with books that are not yet released and allows me to keep them as long as I will proofread and review them. For a book worm like me, especially now that I no longer have schoolwork to take up my time, this is a dream come true.
In the past two months I've read 4 such books, everything from vampires to bees, and I have to say it amazes me what people will make into a story these days.
One of the last ones I read--I won't print the name as I am not sure if I am allowed to--actually had spanking threats in it. Its a story of a doctor who meets a cowboy at the World Fair in 1893, and the push and shove of women's lib and old school cowboy mentality ensues, with the heroine getting herself in constant scrapes and the cowboy promising--in wild west lingo--to spank her but never actually having the balls to do so. For someone like me, its a frustratingly bad story of a woman who flaunts her need to be spanked constantly and there isn't a single person-male or female-within a hundred miles who can figure out what the little brat needs. Oh so obvious and the author plays with it but never has the guts to actually go there. As with other recent books (a la E.L. James), this book leaves the reader feeling less intelligent for having read it.
So whats the pet peeve part?
I've been reading stories all over the place, and I am floored at the number of people who will post things they have wrote without re-reading/editing them. Holy smokes, its crazy how much of this is out there! Honestly, if you are going to write something you intend others to read, make it legible! If you write about characters, choose a name--ONE NAME, mind you--and stick with it! This last one is probably the one I see the most and the most annoying--people who write a story and the main character changes names constantly-I've seen as many as four name changes in one story! Oy! I guess what I am saying is proofread people! I admire those who have the courage to put their work out there for others to see, but if you are going to do that, why wouldn't you take the time to ensure its your best work?
Alright, that's the end of that rant. I guess doing this with books being prepared for print release has made these mistakes more obvious and annoying to me than they used to be. I hate seeing people put writing out there that doesn't reflect themselves or their quality of writing because of obvious and distracting mistakes that could easily be fixed with a proofread. <end rant>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life around here has been much the same--I'm moving forward and trying to focus on the good memories I have of my dad. My little one is still struggling with his loss, so much of my focus has switched to helping her learn to grieve without shutting herself down. She asked about his cause of death, which was pneumonia, and unfortunately that has her terrified now because she had a very severe case of it the week before he passed. It was going around everywhere, lots of people had it, and littles was very sick when she had it. When she found out that is what he died of, she asked if she was going to die too even though hers had passed, and we had to try to explain to her why she got better but he didn't. I'm not sure if she fully understands what happened or why yet. Its been difficult to explain this to her without making her fearful or bringing her to tears. Right now, we're just answering her questions as they come up, and letting her know its alright to let out any emotions she feels while trying to keep her feeling safe and loved.
Ace is keeping a cautious eye on me--letting me figure out how to process and move on while keeping me close to Him. I've slipped a few times, and each time He has taken me firmly back in hand without anger and without making me feel guilty. He is just the right combination of firm and gentle, and I don't know what I would do without Him.
Its not been an easy few months, but its getting better. I'm looking forward to fun things coming up, possible business opportunities, concerts and vacations this summer, and maybe even returning to school and going for a bachelor's degree.
In the meantime, I'm finding ways to keep myself busy and resting in my Ace's love.
~sugar
In the past two months I've read 4 such books, everything from vampires to bees, and I have to say it amazes me what people will make into a story these days.
One of the last ones I read--I won't print the name as I am not sure if I am allowed to--actually had spanking threats in it. Its a story of a doctor who meets a cowboy at the World Fair in 1893, and the push and shove of women's lib and old school cowboy mentality ensues, with the heroine getting herself in constant scrapes and the cowboy promising--in wild west lingo--to spank her but never actually having the balls to do so. For someone like me, its a frustratingly bad story of a woman who flaunts her need to be spanked constantly and there isn't a single person-male or female-within a hundred miles who can figure out what the little brat needs. Oh so obvious and the author plays with it but never has the guts to actually go there. As with other recent books (a la E.L. James), this book leaves the reader feeling less intelligent for having read it.
So whats the pet peeve part?
I've been reading stories all over the place, and I am floored at the number of people who will post things they have wrote without re-reading/editing them. Holy smokes, its crazy how much of this is out there! Honestly, if you are going to write something you intend others to read, make it legible! If you write about characters, choose a name--ONE NAME, mind you--and stick with it! This last one is probably the one I see the most and the most annoying--people who write a story and the main character changes names constantly-I've seen as many as four name changes in one story! Oy! I guess what I am saying is proofread people! I admire those who have the courage to put their work out there for others to see, but if you are going to do that, why wouldn't you take the time to ensure its your best work?
Alright, that's the end of that rant. I guess doing this with books being prepared for print release has made these mistakes more obvious and annoying to me than they used to be. I hate seeing people put writing out there that doesn't reflect themselves or their quality of writing because of obvious and distracting mistakes that could easily be fixed with a proofread. <end rant>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life around here has been much the same--I'm moving forward and trying to focus on the good memories I have of my dad. My little one is still struggling with his loss, so much of my focus has switched to helping her learn to grieve without shutting herself down. She asked about his cause of death, which was pneumonia, and unfortunately that has her terrified now because she had a very severe case of it the week before he passed. It was going around everywhere, lots of people had it, and littles was very sick when she had it. When she found out that is what he died of, she asked if she was going to die too even though hers had passed, and we had to try to explain to her why she got better but he didn't. I'm not sure if she fully understands what happened or why yet. Its been difficult to explain this to her without making her fearful or bringing her to tears. Right now, we're just answering her questions as they come up, and letting her know its alright to let out any emotions she feels while trying to keep her feeling safe and loved.
Ace is keeping a cautious eye on me--letting me figure out how to process and move on while keeping me close to Him. I've slipped a few times, and each time He has taken me firmly back in hand without anger and without making me feel guilty. He is just the right combination of firm and gentle, and I don't know what I would do without Him.
Its not been an easy few months, but its getting better. I'm looking forward to fun things coming up, possible business opportunities, concerts and vacations this summer, and maybe even returning to school and going for a bachelor's degree.
In the meantime, I'm finding ways to keep myself busy and resting in my Ace's love.
~sugar
Friday, March 14, 2014
He's still with me
My dad is still with me. He sent me a sign today.
He chose to be cremated. I have had a very hard time with this issue. I didn't want to allow it, even knowing it was what he wanted. Its just so final. He is completely and utterly gone. I know it would have been no different otherwise, he would have been buried, but this is so much harder to think about.
Each of his children are getting a small measure of his ashes.
I went today to pick them up, to give to my siblings.
I was standing outside the funeral home, looking up at the sky, trying to find the courage to go in. My heart was so very heavy. As I climbed the stairs, I asked my dad to send me a sign that he was with me at that very hard moment.
Out of nowhere, a very small white feather fluttered down around my shoulders and landed on the ground in front of me.
I know that was him.
I know it was him, and I am so very thankful to know that he can hear me.
He's still with me.
~sugar
Monday, March 10, 2014
Processing....
Its been an overwhelming couple of weeks.
I hardly know what to write. I know there are things I want to say....
I'm feeling really alone.
I miss my dad.
I've had no one to share this with. My family is so caught up in petty bickering and in fighting, they cant see how much this hurts, how much they are hurting me.
I had to make the hard decisions, the ones no daughter ever wants to make for her father. There was no will, only verbal wishes remembered from long ago. I did what I thought he wanted. My family hates me for this. I didn't wait for them to stop fighting. I honored my father by respecting his last wishes. I won't be petty and childish, and play their games, and they hate me for it.
This is one of those hinging moments--those ones where you know nothing is ever going to be the same. My whole world changed, and I didn't want it to. I wasn't ready.
Ace is doing what He thinks is best, giving me space to grieve and process. I understand what He is doing, but I need someone to hold me, to make me feel safe right now.....the one person I always knew would put his arms around me and shelter me, no matter what, is gone.
I don't have anyone to protect me now, to buffer the hard parts of growing up, to even shield me from the viciousness of my own family.
I am his fifth child. I was "the little one", the one born far too soon, tiny and weak and he was so very protective of me.
I miss him.
I feel so very very alone.
~sugar
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
There are no words....
My father passed away this afternoon. I have no words.....I didn't know pain like this could exist. My heart is broken......
~sugar
~sugar
Thursday, February 13, 2014
He made me an offer I couldn't refuse.......
And what was that offer, you ask?
This week, presumably because of Valentines Day, the photo category in the 52 week challenge was "red".
I wish I had taken a picture of His face when I told Him the category....that sinister, toppy grin that instantly gave away His thoughts on the matter. As I expected, He "generously" offered to give me a hand (ha ha) getting the perfect picture.
I, of course, thanked Him profusely for His kind offer, but reminded Him that such a picture would hardly be appropriate enough that I could share it on social media for friends and family to see.
And so, a counter-offer was made, and negotiations ensued.
He did indeed give me a hand.
And I did, in fact, end up "red".
(And very happy!) :)
~sugar
P.S. These are photos of a local lighthouse for the challenge, taken on a day when the actual temperature outside was -17 degrees (before windchill). All in all, I was outside for over a half an hour in the freezing cold, and snapped dozens of pictures of the lighthouse from all angles. These are the two I thought were the best. :)
This week, presumably because of Valentines Day, the photo category in the 52 week challenge was "red".
I wish I had taken a picture of His face when I told Him the category....that sinister, toppy grin that instantly gave away His thoughts on the matter. As I expected, He "generously" offered to give me a hand (ha ha) getting the perfect picture.
I, of course, thanked Him profusely for His kind offer, but reminded Him that such a picture would hardly be appropriate enough that I could share it on social media for friends and family to see.
And so, a counter-offer was made, and negotiations ensued.
He did indeed give me a hand.
And I did, in fact, end up "red".
(And very happy!) :)
~sugar
P.S. These are photos of a local lighthouse for the challenge, taken on a day when the actual temperature outside was -17 degrees (before windchill). All in all, I was outside for over a half an hour in the freezing cold, and snapped dozens of pictures of the lighthouse from all angles. These are the two I thought were the best. :)
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